Lawyer Bashing

[sriracha john]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[phazey]

*golf clap*

[Teach]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:        I forget.

ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:      We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:      We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:      Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:      Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:        Uh....

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

WITNESS:        None.

ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:        By death.

ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:        All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:        Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:        The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:        No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:      No.

ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:    But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Superb SJ the funniest post yet, perhaps after this Lawyers will be held in even less esteem.

Like the guy who asked to be relieved from jury service.

"Why" said the PA

"because I'm due in court on the same day" says the electee

" On what charge" said the PA "bigotry and fraud" says the electee"

Nout funnier than folk

T.

[daleyboy]