The Nation's Expat Page

[bangna bound]

Did anyone see last Friday's Expat Page in The Nation? It was certainly a lot more entertaining than the dirge it had been serving up before. Lots of short, amusing pieces. Entertaining stuff.

I wonder if it will stay that way?

[maerim]

deleted

[bangna bound]

Well the guy who wrote didn't include any Burma Shave rhymes, quotes from LM Boyd, lousy jokes, made-up letters from his "readers", promise to keep us posted, or complain about the prices increase of Senor Gonzales' imported canned burritos, so I guess it is not Trink.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I think that ole Bernard is too quiet. Wound licking or taking lotsa convivial farewell glasses around the traps ? .

[maerim]

[george]

Did anyone see last Friday's Expat Page in The Nation? It was certainly a lot more entertaining than the dirge it had been serving up before. Lots of short, amusing pieces. Entertaining stuff.

I wonder if it will stay that way?

Here it is (from The Nation):

FARANG AFFAIRS: Off you go then Bernard…

It’s official. . .well sort of.

A senior Bangkok Post staff member has confirmed to one of our operatives what most already knew, that popular Night Owl columnist Bernard Trink is being shuffled off into retirement at the end of the year. But he was quick to point out that the Post has a habit of changing its mind when it comes to showing staff the exit. So Bernard may get a reprieve.

But if he doesn’t, and you want to catch up with his past musings, those catchy Burma Shave rhymes and enlightening facts and figures from that genial know-it-all LM Boyd, check out www.geocities.com/ doxyblue/alltrink.html. Here you’ll find archives of 290 of Trink’s Night Owl columns published online by the Bangkok Post.

The columns, from 1996 to August 10, 2001, are all dated, headlined and linked from the website. The headlines of the columns only available at the Post’s website archive are also listed, but with a telling line struck through them. Although comprehensive, the archive represents only a small portion of Trink’s collective works.

The old rogue has been gum-shoeing in and around Bangkok’s bars, chewing the fat with bar girls, managers and other insiders since 1966, the year he began writing his column for Bangkok World.

Over the years, Trink, now in his early 70s, managed to churn out a total of around 2,000 weekly columns, or near enough 2,000,000 words. And what is even more exceptional is that he remained extremely popular throughout.

His column on the newspaper’s website, still collects more than 30,000 hits a week.

Cop this. . .

Police were certainly busy this year with the crackdown on drugs and all. According to government statistics, between February 1 and the end of November, the boys in tight brown set up 572,373 road checkpoints, made more than 163,000 searches and raids, and arrested 91,454 people for drug offences.

But they still found time to make it down to the pub – 286,356 times, in fact. That is how many searches of entertainment venues were carried out.

And while there, they got 118,489 people to urinate into cups, nabbing 3,942 for testing positive for drugs – a rather modest success rate of 3.32 per cent.

Hong nam shenanigans

Perhaps the cops would have a higher rate of positive urine samples if they paid a little more attention to detail.

One person caught up in raid at a bar tells us that after being assigned their cups, patrons grudgingly shuffled off to the toilet to perform their civic duty. But the police neglected to accompany them.

Amid much twinkling and grumbling, some of the more wide-eyed patrons began politely requesting samples from others, while one - in a particularly dodgy manoeuvre – simply dipped his cup into the bottom of a urinal to collect his contribution.

We’ll drink to that

With beer prices reaching insulting levels in bar areas favoured by expats and tourists, it’s good to see that at least a few bars have not been caught up in the spiral of greed. But finding them can be a problem.

It seems that advertising beer prices (like putting a chalkboard notice board out front of the bar) is not an option, as it is frowned upon by other bar owners who are not so discount-inclined. Despite this unofficial jackboot-inspired ban, we still managed to find what we think are the cheapest bottled beers in Soi Cowboy.

Cocktail Bar is charging only Bt75 for Heineken and Carlsberg during its happy hour, from 7-9pm. After that, the prices increase to a still-very-reasonable Bt90, with the acceptable local brand Chang Beer remaining at Bt75. The Cocktail Bar is a pleasant enough place, and includes most of the agreeable features of Soi Cowboy.

’Tis the season. . .

While bar owners are complaining about the low numbers of elbow benders considering the time of year, those patrons who think it is the funniest thing in the world to take off their shirts, climb on the stage and dance amid the poles and girls continue to proliferate. During a visit to one night-time entertainment venue this week, we encountered three impromptu shows at three different bars. Can someone tell these guys that beer-fuelled, extroverted white men can’t dance. And even if they can, we certainly don’t want to watch them.

’Tis the season. . .#2

At least most of these dancing fools have the courtesy to buy drinks at the bar in which they make dicks out of themselves. But what about those cheapskate tourists who have no qualms about cruising into bars with beer in hand, settling into a seat, and proceeding to enjoy the ambience? It’s like bringing a packed lunch to a restaurant, ordering a glass of water and using the silverware.

Rest in peace. . . at last

The body of German national Jurgen Schweiker, 42, was found floating off Patong Beach, reports the Phuket Gazette. Police believe he drowned accidentally after drinking too much alcohol. There should be plenty of spare seats at the unfortunate Schweiker’s funeral, judging by a profile given by the local cops on his antics. The deceased was a long-time Phuket resident known to both Kathu and Chalong police for his aggressive, antisocial behaviour.

He was involved in a number of bar fights in the Patong area, where he liked to go looking for trouble. Schweiker had also been identified as the culprit in a bizarre incident in which an “insane” male foreigner driving a motorcycle with sidecar terrorised people along roads in Karon and Kathu, apparently trying to run down pedestrians. No doubt fun-loving Jurgen will be sadly missed.

Nuke ’em

Another Phuket resident, Steve Pompey, was left wondering what planet he was on after he was told by a shop assistant at the island’s Big C superstore that he needed a work permit to purchase a microwave oven.

After querying this on the Phuket Gazette’s website, Pompey was assured by the store’s assistant general manager Nida Kaewnate that there must have been some misunderstanding (you’re not wrong there, Nida!). She went on to explain that Big C was happy to take cash or a credit-card number from anyone regardless of race, creed, country of origin or visa status.

The misinformed shop assistant was extremely lucky it was the mild-mannered Steve Pompey and not the late and feisty Jurgen Schweiker who was shopping in Big C for kitchen appliances that day.

Political compromise

Japan’s Kyodo news agency reported this week that six Saitama Prefectural Assembly members were entertained by bar hostesses during an official trip to Bangkok in November. Two of them took one of the Thai women back to their hotel. Unfortunately, the horny assemblymen were not in the position to use the common political tactic of lying, as video footage of the group in the bar, followed by the two walking with the hostess back to the hotel, was aired on Japanese television. The assembly decided that the politicians’ antics were inappropriate, especially since it was Japanese taxpayers who picked up the bar tab.

Farang Affairs is edited by Phil Macdonald. We invite feedback, comments, information and general scuttlebutt from readers. Bars, restaurants and managers of other places where expats gather in numbers are invited to submit any information on special deals and promotions. Send it all to [email protected].

--------------

Cynic of the week

“At this point his wife went berserk and threatened to kill herself, another typical Thai female trick when they feel cornered, and feel that more conventional means of discussion or argument will not work.”

From the weekly observations of the Stickman’s Guide to Bangkok website

at www.stickmanbangkok.com.

----------------

Visa watch

The Immigration Department is now enforcing the 90-day identity and address confirmation rule, a requirement for people holding any type of one-year visa. The 90-day rule has always been on the books, but enforcement in the past has been lax. The Immigration Department says this rule will now be stringently applied in all provinces.

The process does not cost anything, but if you ignore it you will be stung with a Bt2,000 fine, or even expelled from the country.

The initial 90-day period is counted from the date when you last entered Thailand.

If you ring your local provincial immigration office to ask whether it is enforcing the rule, you will be met with the same answer, as officials are obliged to say they are enforcing the rule whether they are or not. So it is best just to head down there.

The first time you register you will need to bring photocopied evidence of where you are staying, such as a house registration document (tabian baan). If you are working here, bring your work permit and a photocopy. On subsequent 90-day visits you only need to bring your passport.

Thailand would not be Thailand without some bureaucratic grey areas. In this case it has not been made entirely clear whether the enforcement is retrospective. That is, if you will be fined if you have not registered previously, or if you have neglected subsequent 90-day confirmations.

In the main, Immigration Department officials are reasonable people, so if you are polite and present yourself well, there’s a good chance they’ll let you off with a first-time warning.

Also keep in mind that you obliged to inform the Immigration Department when you change residential addresses, even within the same province.

--Phil Macdonald, The Nation

[Indo-Siam]

'Catch the last couple of paragraphs of George's post - I can already hear the ROAR of whining building up - if they actually start enforcing this rule.

If this plays out as written, the firestorm of whining and teeth-gnashing from all the non-compliers will make the fake visa stamp debacle look like a mere glowing ember.

The stairway to the 4th floor at Suan Phlu - which is already worrn down a bit - would soon have a fresh rut worn down into it.

I suppose we'll soon find out.

Cheers!

Indo-Siam

[philmac]

from this weeks farang affairs column in the nation

You close, you open, you close, you ...

The late night entertainment zoning law, which will allow certain bar areas, including Patpong, RCA and Rachada to stay alive and kicking until 4am, is awaiting Royal endorsement, according to the government. What are the odds it will become law at the same time the government announces a further restriction (1am closing) of bars around Chinese New Year? I’ll keep you posted.

[maerim]

deleted

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Heheheheh I like it Mr Dodger

[maerim]

deleted

[Khun ?]

I have it on very good authority that the late great "nite owl" now unemployed is holidaying in England.

Whilst there he visited a village in rural England and asked " Do you have a village idiot?"

The answer came back "Yes thanks, but you can put your name on the waiting list if you want".

I am suprised they did not say sure theirs has buggered off to Thailand. Then again I guess each town has much more than one sure is enough of em in Thailand.

[maerim]

deleted

[mrentoul]

I have good news for you, maerim: Trink is joining a website where, as I understand it, you'll have to pay to read his stuff.

Being the discriminating consumer of the printed word that you are, it's unlikely you'll be subjected to any more of it soon.

[maerim]

[mrentoul]

You would have more chance of finding feathers on a frog of that happening

I give this internet venture similar chances of success...that is to say, a remote chance. People are not keen on paying for internet content.

They might think twice about what kind of ''product'' they were buying...in his case, perhaps, whether they are buying a product at all. It could be that Trink's appeal was based mainly on his eccentricity, or his staying power, rather than his skills as a columnist.

I don't know: I didn't read him!

[maerim]

[lamphun]

I suspect that Trink may have been the columnist who wrote the "Go-Go dancer of the week" centerpiece for the Bangkok World. That was hilarious, in an accidental way. He deserves some credit for that at least.

[Khun ?]

I suspect that Trink may have been the columnist who wrote the "Go-Go dancer of the week" centerpiece for the Bangkok World. That was hilarious, in an accidental way. He deserves some credit for that at least.

You must not of watched this board to long. A yank being given credit for good.

watch it your about to be indentified by location if you keep this up.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Triangulating now...search, search, search

[Khun ?]

ostersized comes to mind

[maerim]

[george]

FARANG AFFAIRS: Can we have our $12 back now?

Published on Jan 16, 2004

The good news is that Bernard Trink’s weekly Nite Owl has resurfaced ... on the Internet.

The bad news is that it will cost you US$12 (Bt465) to read it. Trink’s first column appeared last Friday at www.idontgiveahoot.com. We paid the $12, and this is what we found:

“First, let’s get the record straight,” a no-nonsense Bernard writes as he explains his departure from the Bangkok Post a few weeks ago. “The term ‘retirement’, at least applied to me by others, isn’t in my vocabulary.

With the record now straightened, he continues:

“Aware of this, the Bangkok Post kept me on, a kindness prompted by their awareness that the column is well read in the paper and on the Internet.”

However, it seems, the Post’s “kindness” did not extend to Bernard’s pay packet.

“... as a freelancer my salary was frozen in 1992. (Indeed, it was reduced ‘temporarily’ during the economic downturn and didn’t rise back when times got better.)”

But it was going to take more than a pitiful wage to shift resilient Bernard.

“On my part I stayed on because I loved what I was doing and had gotten used to where I was doing it.”

“Every so often I’d change the format of my column, to keep it from becoming stale [you could have fooled us Bernard!].”

But the question of the lips of everybody who gives a hoot is was it censored?

“Was it ever! Bernard exclaims.

“Over time, recommending masseuses became a no-no. So was taking pictures of Go-Go dancers. I was informed that my minority views of the dreaded disease [HIV/Aids] were politically incorrect.

“The Nite Owl was perceived as being sexist, the column in bad taste in a family newspaper.”

Even so, getting shafted took Bernard a little by surprise.

“Still, being notified that it didn’t fit in with the forward-looking vision of the Bangkok Post jolted me. Particularly that it had lost its relevance.”

“As if watering holes and demimondaines were curiosities of a bygone age,” he argues, before explaining that: “My arguments to the contrary fell on deaf ears. Oddly, reluctant to hear from my supporters, news of the column closing was muzzled.

“As often as I wrote it [the news of the column closing], it was deleted. Most readers didn’t know until they saw it was gone.”

Err ... that’s it.

Look, an idiot

Of the 1,100 words churned out in his first Nite Owl column on the Internet, more than two-thirds of them are not Bernard’s. They are from letter writers lamenting his demise from the Post. Bernard assures readers he didn’t make any of this up.

Here’s our favourite:

“Sirs: I am sad that you have dropped Nite Owl. Since your paper has decided not to cater to the expat community, you can say goodbye to my readership. I will buy the other Bangkok English-language newspaper in the future. I do not know the name of it but will find out soon...” (It’s The Nation, bozo, Ed.)

Times aren’t a changing

Late-night elbow benders rest easy. We can confidently predict that the 2am closing time for bars and clubs will be around for a while yet. We can confidently predict this because at Tuesday’s Cabinet meeting those magic words “review to a working group” were uttered when deciding what to next in arriving at a decision on closing times.

In fact, we hear the decision has been shelved indefinitely.

Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra and his Cabinet thought they were onto a huge vote winner with their early closing-time agenda, with some of them even going as far as to call for the totally ridiculous closing time of 10pm.

But now it seems that those who advised him it would be a good move politically have stuffed up. The government is now finding that it is in fact a widely unpopular proposal, and would likely cost the governmental bundles and bundles of votes at the next election.

The PM, who previously supported closing times, is now having his doubts that the law would be effective in keeping young people away from drugs.

He is also having doubts that he is going to get any extra votes out of the law – the major reason behind it in the first place.

Political back-pedalling at its best.

Brunei bull...

Those kooky Nigerian scam merchants are now coming up with get-rich-quick scenarios with regional relevance.

The latest offering is from a bloke claiming to be Prince Fayed W Bolkiah, the son of Brunei’s number one spendthrift, Prince Jefri Bolkiah.

Jefri is the fun-loving brother of the Sultan of Brunei, who a few years ago managed to blow about US$15 billion of the country’s (i.e. the Sultan’s) money on grandiose public works schemes and flying Playboy centrefolds in from California for cultural exchange programmes at his palace.

According to Nigerian Prince Fayed, he and his dad are currently “in castration” (ouch!) somewhere in Brunei and need someone to go collect sacks of money from security firms around the world blah, blah, blah...

If you want to read the rest of the prince’s entertaining letter, along with the other 124 churned out by those prolific and imaginative Nigerians over the past few years, go to www.scamorama.com.

Ya blaaaah

In keeping with the local tradition of producing fake goods, some street drug dealers have taken to manufacturing bogus ya ba pills, our dark influences operative tells us.

“The government’s war on drugs has sent the price of ya ba skyrocketing, from a street price of Bt70-Bt90 a pill pre-drug war to Bt400 a pill now.

“Previously it was not worth the effort producing fake ones because the pills were so cheap there was no profit in it.

“But now at Bt400 a pill you can make a good profit by selling fake ones,” the operative said. “To avoid a consumer backlash, however, you just need to be selective with who you sell them to.”

The fake pills are manufactured in Bangkok without the drug’s hardest-to-obtain and key ingredient, ephedrine.

“They tend to be more shiny than the real thing, and don’t have the UWA (United Wa Army) stamp on them,” the operative said.

Some give you a small initial buzz as they might have traces of ephedrine, but most just make you sweat profusely because of the caffeine, the operative added.

Surviving in Samui

To mark the opening of Buddy Beer & Susie Pub on Koh Samui’s Lamai Beach, our friends at backpacker chic publication, Farang magazine, are holding what they describe as “the scariest game show in Thailand”: the Farang Survivor Challenge.

We can’t make much sense out of the rest of the vague press release they sent us, but apparently there can only be one winner.

And that winner is “the person most likely to have the best time while travelling round Thailand”, thereby winning “the ultimate accolade: Farang Survivor 2004”.

There will be live music, a DJ, and a “hoard” of drink sponsors.

Sounds like a hoot.

Whoops, almost forgot. It’s on tomorrow (January 14), so you better be quick smart.

For more information contact 01 817 1442.

Culture capers

The Ministry with Nothing Better To Do ( aka. the Culture Ministry), has got its bureaucratic knickers in a twist once again over fashion models exposing their naughty bits on the runway.

It plans to set up a committee to regulate their onstage behaviour, and “denunciate” models who violate the planned regulations.

Culture Minister Anurak Jureemas said the committee of denunciators would set out regulations on what was appropriate and inappropriate at fashion shows so that no one would cross the line and, thereby, be denunciated.

All this hoopla is the result of newspaper publishing a front-page picture of a fashion model’s unintentionally exposed breast, which has caused no end of tsk tsk tsking among conservatives, who say such behaviour could affect the “good culture” of Thailand.

As we have no claim of an intimate knowledge of good Thai culture, we asked local newsroom staff if the ministry was in tune with contemporary Thai culture and values.

And guess what? It is not.

Local staff said it was so out of touch it might as well be on another planet.

And what do the models think? Top runway strider, the delightfully named Odette Henriette Jacqmin, said she was “sad” that the publication of a few pictures of unintentionally exposed breasts had caused such a ruckus.

There, there, Odette Henriette. Don’t be sad. It’ll be okay. We promise.

Fit to print

The newspaper that printed the model’s exposed breast was breaking the law. Yep, put even one nipple on the pages of Thailand’s national dailies, and you’re in big trouble.

What newspapers can’t show

Pictures of women’s exposed nipples.

Pictures of people smoking cigarettes.

What newspapers can show

Pictures of mangled bodies being dragged out of car wrecks.

Pictures of bullet-ridden influential figures and bloodied murder victims.

What newspapers must show

Pictures of Ponthongtae Shinawatra.

The Expat Page is edited by Phil Macdonald. We invite feedback, comments and information from readers. Bars, restaurants and managers of other places where expats gather in numbers are invited to submit any information on special deals and promotions. Send it all to [email protected].

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You paid $US 12 George ? You wuz robbed

[george]

No, the fine folks at the Bangkok Post did it (eg the reporter Phil Mcdonald).

[The_Eye_Of_Sauron]

I'd be very wary of giving my credit card details to Trink - if a mere e mail can hook you up to the entire panoply of Nigerian scammers (must be some common address book), I dread to think what havoc a credit card could wreak.

Don't understand why we can quote 'Nation' here reprinting the New Trink, but then when I asked if Thaivisa could join New Trink and re-print - I got deleted.

Still, never mind.

[PK2]

No, the fine folks at the Bangkok Post did it (eg the reporter Phil Mcdonald).

That would be the fine folks at The Nation...

[Guest IT Manager]

Thats what he meant but it had been a long drive from the eye of sauron to ground zero... and with a carful.