Lost My Thai Kids To 'Supermom'

[venturalaw]

Another hard reality is that I have my doubts as to if my [spoiled new generation] Thai kids and even my Thai wife will 'be there' for me when I need them the most and I am approaching that time @ 64 yrs old.

That's a tough one. All one can do is prepare for the worst, just in case, and hope for the best.

[cardholder]

'WE' do not create the monsters........you may have, but in general we do not.

Those kids were of an age, 1 and 3, that meant you could very easily have raised them as your own and had the same experiences many do with their own kids. They would have been to young to realise any different and would have been acceptable to the normal teachings in any thai/foreign household.

It would be quite hard to just dump the kids....but if they show you no love and affection in return, then no loss to you to bugger off for a bit and see what happens.

Go away for 6 months and see if they miss you or not....if not, don't return.

More importantly , see if YOU miss THEM (and their mother).

I sense that this is as much about the relationship with the mother as it about the kids.

The kids were never yours, never would be and I think you knew that. That does not detract from the support you have given.

I think you are now resenting being pushed out in the pecking order of affection and are asking yourself where the relationship is going.

64 is not too old to move on. Look at your happiness and what YOU want from the next 10 years.

Edited June 16, 2011 by cardholder

[jaideeguy]

Good advise and assessment cardholder

'The kids were never yours, never would be and I think you knew that. That does not detract from the support you have given.'

Although I did have the [false illusion] that I would take over as a 40% parent in the beginnig, as the blood fathers were both deadbeat Thais that had her as a 'mia noi', then flaked out after the seed was planted......a common story here.

But, I did my duty and gave the kids more oportunities and English skills than most average 'Thai uniformed shaved headed robot school kids'

[MAJIC]

Unfortunately this is a common occurance in some Marriages,one Partner undermining the other,usually means a lack of respect,and a means of control, Family Psychologists agree,it is necessary for Parents to show a united front, to maintain family equalibrium,once the unity of partners has broken down,it often results in Divorce.

The Child/Children will know instinctively what is going on,and will use the softer parent,against the one who wants to have some say,and discipline in the childs life,

you have stated the ages of the children,which means this has gone on for much too long,and your Wife is taking it for granted that you are too soft to do anything about it, after all these years.

Even if you threaten to leave her,unless she changes her ways,all that will happen is the undermining with the children will go underground,

and out of your sight.

Unfortunately my friend her allegience,is no longer with you. To put it bluntly you are in the same position that I was many years ago i.e the Meal Ticket and Family Dustbin,for all that bad feeling floating about,and the Fall Guy/Big Baddie for them not getting there own way all the time,and perceived to be,preventing their having a perfect life,she is "Supermom"at your expense,a nasty means of control!

In your circumstances for what its worth?.................... I would pack my personal belongings in the Pickup,call her to one side and explain that I want a trial separation,of say 3 months minimum,and if she is not prepared to compromise on the Childrens upbringing etc then I would not come back. And also explain to her,that the situation is mainly her fault, in which case don't expect the generous Meal Ticket to be the same Mr Nice Guy, in the future,or especially during the separation period.

As she is being devisive in this manner, one can either allow one's self to used,or make efforts to solve the problem,but for it to work , your wife needs to understand,it takes two!

I wish you Good Luck

Whatever your decision.

Edited June 16, 2011 by MAJIC

[vont]

Another hard reality is that I have my doubts as to if my [spoiled new generation] Thai kids and even my Thai wife will 'be there' for me when I need them the most and I am approaching that time @ 64 yrs old.

you are only 64....

a long long long way to go yet....

there is a message for you in your pm.

:jap:

[Nawtier]

The real estae is an issue however....sort it out asap one way or another now while still on friendly terms and before you go away.

[venturalaw]

Good advise and assessment cardholder

'The kids were never yours, never would be and I think you knew that. That does not detract from the support you have given.'

Although I did have the [false illusion] that I would take over as a 40% parent in the beginnig, as the blood fathers were both deadbeat Thais that had her as a 'mia noi', then flaked out after the seed was planted......a common story here.

But, I did my duty and gave the kids more oportunities and English skills than most average 'Thai uniformed shaved headed robot school kids'

I highlighted the relevant statement above - you have much of which to be proud. Now consider moving on if you deem it necessary in order to protect yourself.

[GooEng]

yes the above experience is something i can relate to.

when parents from a deprived, or let's say less priveledged up-bringing have the opportunity to bring their kids up in a better provided for environmment, they seem to over-indulge their kids in all the things that were unavailable to them as children - sweets, fizzy drinks, junk food, plastic toys and so on ...

i have seen exactly this pattern a number of times and have been at pains to stop it occurring in my own family - suffice it to say, it's not always easy.

thais in general do not have the same awareness of how this sort of over-indulgence is damaging and far from being good parenting is quite the opposite!!

the term "you have to be cruel to be kind" just isn't understood!

[catwho]

I helped bring up my wifes 2 sisters boys [now 17]both of them stayed with us for a few yrs.

both me and my wife are very strict with our own 2 kids.while they [the nephews lived with us.they both showed me and my ife the greatest of respect...i did throw a bit of fear into them,cause i am a hard man,,,but they showed their own mothers none at all, although they loved them.they would talk back to them etc,both at the time single moms with falang boyfriends,and always spoiling them when with them.[thai BOYS always get spoilt the most].

one is back in oz would not go to school,he got stabbed at school,and beaten,maybe someting to do with it,has ability but wont use it,wants like most kids these days everything on a platter,they sent him back here for 8 months by himself he stayed with us and his 17 yr old cousin, and is now working back in OZ,the other is studying to be an electrician here in pattaya.

If you want to stay where u are sit down with the kids and have a heart to heart with them,away from the mrs,as said in OP it will sink in later on for them.

If you dont do something it will be your own fault for not having a go.

cat

[transam]

I helped bring up my wifes 2 sisters boys [now 17]both of them stayed with us for a few yrs.

both me and my wife are very strict with our own 2 kids.while they [the nephews lived with us.they both showed me and my ife the greatest of respect...i did throw a bit of fear into them,cause i am a hard man,,,but they showed their own mothers none at all, although they loved them.they would talk back to them etc,both at the time single moms with falang boyfriends,and always spoiling them when with them.[thai BOYS always get spoilt the most].

one is back in oz would not go to school,he got stabbed at school,and beaten,maybe someting to do with it,has ability but wont use it,wants like most kids these days everything on a platter,they sent him back here for 8 months by himself he stayed with us and his 17 yr old cousin, and is now working back in OZ,the other is studying to be an electrician here in pattaya.

If you want to stay where u are sit down with the kids and have a heart to heart with them,away from the mrs,as said in OP it will sink in later on for them.

If you dont do something it will be your own fault for not having a go.

cat

Yes, you are right and correct. My wife's boy talked to her not good, so the only time l have done it, l put the fear of ''christ'' into him and now he has the greatest of respect for his mum.

[OlafStapleton]

Dear mr. Jaidee

I wish you well but from you posts one can clearly see your relationship with Thai lady and Thai lady children is coming to an end.

I know you like your home, but it is just not worth the effort of hanging on.

You know what you have to do, hope you have enough assets left to carry on there.

Wife easily replaced with younger newer model, house not so easy.

[vont]

I helped bring up my wifes 2 sisters boys [now 17]both of them stayed with us for a few yrs.

both me and my wife are very strict with our own 2 kids.while they [the nephews lived with us.they both showed me and my ife the greatest of respect...i did throw a bit of fear into them,cause i am a hard man,,,but they showed their own mothers none at all, although they loved them.they would talk back to them etc,both at the time single moms with falang boyfriends,and always spoiling them when with them.[thai BOYS always get spoilt the most].

one is back in oz would not go to school,he got stabbed at school,and beaten,maybe someting to do with it,has ability but wont use it,wants like most kids these days everything on a platter,they sent him back here for 8 months by himself he stayed with us and his 17 yr old cousin, and is now working back in OZ,the other is studying to be an electrician here in pattaya.

If you want to stay where u are sit down with the kids and have a heart to heart with them,away from the mrs,as said in OP it will sink in later on for them.

If you dont do something it will be your own fault for not having a go.

cat

YOU ARE THE MAN....!

to date.... you gave the most sensible alternatives....

you have my utmost admiration and respect.... 'general' ! :jap: :jap: :jap:

[vont]

Dear mr. Jaidee

I wish you well but from you posts one can clearly see your relationship with Thai lady and Thai lady children is coming to an end.

I know you like your home, but it is just not worth the effort of hanging on.

You know what you have to do, hope you have enough assets left to carry on there.

Wife easily replaced with younger newer model, house not so easy.

OlafStapleton

....Wife easily replaced with younger newer model, house not so easy....

---------------

since most of the thai wives can not be here to say anything for themselves, may i plse have your permission in their behalves to say something back to you.... unofficially, of course....

the same can also be said....

....Wife HUSBAND easily replaced with younger newer AND MUCH MORE LOVING, SENSITIVE AND CONSIDERATE model, house not so easy....

AND MY HOME IS WHERE MY HUSBAND IS.... a shack.... a mansion.... makes no difference...., just so he has a MAN's heart....

THIS KIND OF HUSBAND IS NOT EASILY REPLACED....

as for you, OlafStapleton.... which kind of man are yourself....?

hope you have a happier life than what you showed us here....

[jaideeguy]

A short update.....Things came to a head a couple of days ago when she misintrepted my saying that I am making a business trip and she twisted that around in her head that 'I wanted a divorce' and sulked for 2 days until we had another talk where I carefully explained that our money is tight and it is only work for a month or 2 so that we can pay the bills......like explaining to a 5 yr old.

Also what upset her and caused some paranoia was that I mentioned that we have to sell our house [3 house estate with swimming pool etc.] and that when sold, I would set her up in her provence with a shophouse or other money making venture in issan near her family.

Our talk last night did calm her fears and we now have a truce of sorts and I tried to verbalize my frustrations re: the kids and LOS [after 10+yrs of total saturation in Thai culture].....I just need a break for a while or maybe half year here and half year in Philippines or ??.....but I will continue to make my base with her and family.

[venturalaw]

A short update.....Things came to a head a couple of days ago when she misintrepted my saying that I am making a business trip and she twisted that around in her head that 'I wanted a divorce' and sulked for 2 days until we had another talk where I carefully explained that our money is tight and it is only work for a month or 2 so that we can pay the bills......like explaining to a 5 yr old.

Also what upset her and caused some paranoia was that I mentioned that we have to sell our house [3 house estate with swimming pool etc.] and that when sold, I would set her up in her provence with a shophouse or other money making venture in issan near her family.

Our talk last night did calm her fears and we now have a truce of sorts and I tried to verbalize my frustrations re: the kids and LOS [after 10+yrs of total saturation in Thai culture].....I just need a break for a while or maybe half year here and half year in Philippines or ??.....but I will continue to make my base with her and family.

Your name jaideeguy suits you. :jap:

[OlafStapleton]

....Wife HUSBAND easily replaced with younger newer AND MUCH MORE LOVING, SENSITIVE AND CONSIDERATE model, house not so easy....

AND MY HOME IS WHERE MY HUSBAND IS.... a shack.... a mansion.... makes no difference...., just so he has a MAN's heart....

THIS KIND OF HUSBAND IS NOT EASILY REPLACED....

as for you, OlafStapleton.... which kind of man are yourself....?

hope you have a happier life than what you showed us here....

Off topic but

Lady valued for sexy look, man valued for fat pension.

I am the kind of man has pension for life, are you a lady who has sexy look for life?

If you are 25 then you speak true, if you are 45 then you be soon disappointed.

[sbk]

To each their own Olaf,and has nothing to do with raising kids in Thailand.

[vont]

....Wife HUSBAND easily replaced with younger newer AND MUCH MORE LOVING, SENSITIVE AND CONSIDERATE model, house not so easy....

AND MY HOME IS WHERE MY HUSBAND IS.... a shack.... a mansion.... makes no difference...., just so he has a MAN's heart....

THIS KIND OF HUSBAND IS NOT EASILY REPLACED....

as for you, OlafStapleton.... which kind of man are yourself....?

hope you have a happier life than what you showed us here....

Off topic but

Lady valued for sexy look, man valued for fat pension.

I am the kind of man has pension for life, are you a lady who has sexy look for life?

If you are 25 then you speak true, if you are 45 then you be soon disappointed.

oh.... my dear pensioner, olafstapleton....

to quote you--I am the kind of man has pension for life....

i am just wondering.... are there any pensioners in thailand who just receive their pensions every now and then.... once every few months or so.... ?

do not all pensioners receive their pensions regularly every month or so.... for their entire earthly life....?

a few pensioners retired from the u.s. states dept, who are currently spending their leisure lives in and around thailand

would never boast that they are pensioners, in spite of the fact that their acct were credited in excess of 10k usd each time....twice a month.... regularly since 1988.... after the v-war....

perhaps you are one of these, but since i do not reckon your screen name, my apology.... regardless of who you are, i do hope that some how your life would be modified so as to be able to enjoy and respect femininity a little more.... for your own happiness sake....

RETURNING TO TOPIC AT HAND.....

for the good hearted man, jai-dee,

life in philipine does not differ much from thailand, overall and in general....

the only advantage perhaps is the language.... most do speak english understandably well there.... though different....

as far as women and family live is concerned.... it is just like here.... very much individual matter....

it depends on who or which group do you intend to socialize with or be involved with on a personal level....?

but then, i could surely not be able to speak for you or represent you.... perhaps, as you mentioned.... you ought to just spend some time there in person.... with whichever group and at whichever level as you deem appropriate and feasible....

i for one would be delighted to hear.... just how you do over there.... if you have the time.... alright? good luck and good fortune.... manila or sabu or....

[billd766]

Another hard reality is that I have my doubts as to if my [spoiled new generation] Thai kids and even my Thai wife will 'be there' for me when I need them the most and I am approaching that time @ 64 yrs old.

I am now 67 and I have known my wife since 1993 and we were married in 2000 after my divorce from my UK wife.

I was a contractor who worked offshore a lot of the time.

Anyway in 2004 along came our son who will be 7 in August. For the first 5 years of his life I was away working for about half of it but I am now retired and I am around 99% of the time.

Oddly enough I now find that I have more patience than in my first marriage( my son from that is now 33)and sometimes I need it.

My son so far is OK and my wife and I get on reasonably well and I and sure she loves me and both of them will be here for me though sometimes it is difficult as there is a difference between the way that Thai's and farangs show their love and feelings.

So far our son is very good though he is starting to push the line we draw every so often which moves as he grows older and so far I have never smacked him or had the cause to do so and if at times he won't do as his Mum says, Daddy changes from nice old cuddly Daddy to He Who Will Be Obeyed and so far it has worked.

I only smacked my other son 3 times in his life and I feel if I tried it now he would flatten me.

He does do naughty things such as scribbling in crayon on the outside wall of the house when nobody could see him but it is due for repainting sometime and he did say he wouldn't do it again. Whether he will or not only time will tell.

Parenting at any time is hard work and at our age is a bit harder still. In your case it is made more difficult by your wife not working with you as a team which in my case she does most of the time.

If you want to talk to me send me a PM and I will get back to you.

[vont]

Another hard reality is that I have my doubts as to if my [spoiled new generation] Thai kids and even my Thai wife will 'be there' for me when I need them the most and I am approaching that time @ 64 yrs old.

I am now 67 and I have known my wife since 1993 and we were married in 2000 after my divorce from my UK wife.

I was a contractor who worked offshore a lot of the time.

Anyway in 2004 along came our son who will be 7 in August. For the first 5 years of his life I was away working for about half of it but I am now retired and I am around 99% of the time.

Oddly enough I now find that I have more patience than in my first marriage( my son from that is now 33)and sometimes I need it.

My son so far is OK and my wife and I get on reasonably well and I and sure she loves me and both of them will be here for me though sometimes it is difficult as there is a difference between the way that Thai's and farangs show their love and feelings.

So far our son is very good though he is starting to push the line we draw every so often which moves as he grows older and so far I have never smacked him or had the cause to do so and if at times he won't do as his Mum says, Daddy changes from nice old cuddly Daddy to He Who Will Be Obeyed and so far it has worked.

I only smacked my other son 3 times in his life and I feel if I tried it now he would flatten me.

He does do naughty things such as scribbling in crayon on the outside wall of the house when nobody could see him but it is due for repainting sometime and he did say he wouldn't do it again. Whether he will or not only time will tell.

Parenting at any time is hard work and at our age is a bit harder still. In your case it is made more difficult by your wife not working with you as a team which in my case she does most of the time.

If you want to talk to me send me a PM and I will get back to you.

rarely do i come across thaivisa page with such tender and loving life story.

i am touched, very much so....

bless you and yours and everyone in your family.... :jap: :jap: :jap:

Edited June 18, 2011 by vont

[KoratFarang]

As i see it, is is a little late.

With my past relationships i change this time.

To control the relation ship, i send 10.000 baht for her family the first 3 month then i told that i would be low on money for the next 3 month so i was not able to send any money. now i send 10.000 baht again because she stayed. I told she get 5.000 in pocket money for cleaning the hose and making food for me, for everytime i am not happy with the cleaning i will call another lady to clean and take out 300 baht from the 5.000 baht she get. I told her when we have children one day i will teach them, because what she learned in school she cant use for shit.

You need to be a man from the start, if you dont want to end up like a ATM and not a man.

Hard words i know, but this have been working good for 1.5 years, she is happy and i am happy, but of cause she was not happy when i one month toke out 2x300 baht, she was angry and she did not want to make food for me so next month i just toke out about 500 baht for the food i had to pay for when she was not making food.

so she did learn it did not help her to get angry and not making food because in the end i am making and controlling the money and if she does not make food she will pay for the food i buy in a farang place.

if you take the fights in the start you will find out if she loves you and she will be much more easy to control in the furture. it is like a dog if you let it do what it want the first 6 years of it life it is neerly imposible to change the dog after !

[vont]

As i see it, is is a little late.

With my past relationships i change this time.

To control the relation ship, i send 10.000 baht for her family the first 3 month then i told that i would be low on money for the next 3 month so i was not able to send any money. now i send 10.000 baht again because she stayed. I told she get 5.000 in pocket money for cleaning the hose and making food for me, for everytime i am not happy with the cleaning i will call another lady to clean and take out 300 baht from the 5.000 baht she get. I told her when we have children one day i will teach them, because what she learned in school she cant use for shit.

You need to be a man from the start, if you dont want to end up like a ATM and not a man.

Hard words i know, but this have been working good for 1.5 years, she is happy and i am happy, but of cause she was not happy when i one month toke out 2x300 baht, she was angry and she did not want to make food for me so next month i just toke out about 500 baht for the food i had to pay for when she was not making food.

so she did learn it did not help her to get angry and not making food because in the end i am making and controlling the money and if she does not make food she will pay for the food i buy in a farang place.

if you take the fights in the start you will find out if she loves you and she will be much more easy to control in the furture. it is like a dog if you let it do what it want the first 6 years of it life it is neerly imposible to change the dog after !

i really feel sorry for you and your relationships that you described for us.

in a normal relationships between a mature male and mature female, there is always a give and take situations; where none is the king, queen or boss.

with your description of your home relationships, to me, you seem to have been borne several decades too late.

from my humble point of view, you do not have a family relationships at all. it is more like a master and slave or servant situation where the supposedly king is always barking orders.

well, if you are happy and let's forget about her feelings, that is all it matters right.

i am not able to say that you are wrong or anything like that, but if i were you, i would certainly want a balance of happiness and opinion in the family where everyone including the little ones, if you have any, would have a voice in deciding what, when, where, how, which and why of whatever the family plan or project is....

i humbly submit.

[billd766]

Another hard reality is that I have my doubts as to if my [spoiled new generation] Thai kids and even my Thai wife will 'be there' for me when I need them the most and I am approaching that time @ 64 yrs old.

I am now 67 and I have known my wife since 1993 and we were married in 2000 after my divorce from my UK wife.

I was a contractor who worked offshore a lot of the time.

Anyway in 2004 along came our son who will be 7 in August. For the first 5 years of his life I was away working for about half of it but I am now retired and I am around 99% of the time.

Oddly enough I now find that I have more patience than in my first marriage( my son from that is now 33)and sometimes I need it.

My son so far is OK and my wife and I get on reasonably well and I and sure she loves me and both of them will be here for me though sometimes it is difficult as there is a difference between the way that Thai's and farangs show their love and feelings.

So far our son is very good though he is starting to push the line we draw every so often which moves as he grows older and so far I have never smacked him or had the cause to do so and if at times he won't do as his Mum says, Daddy changes from nice old cuddly Daddy to He Who Will Be Obeyed and so far it has worked.

I only smacked my other son 3 times in his life and I feel if I tried it now he would flatten me.

He does do naughty things such as scribbling in crayon on the outside wall of the house when nobody could see him but it is due for repainting sometime and he did say he wouldn't do it again. Whether he will or not only time will tell.

Parenting at any time is hard work and at our age is a bit harder still. In your case it is made more difficult by your wife not working with you as a team which in my case she does most of the time.

If you want to talk to me send me a PM and I will get back to you.

rarely do i come across thaivisa page with such tender and loving life story.

i am touched, very much so....

bless you and yours and everyone in your family.... :jap: :jap: :jap:

Thank you for that Vont.

Sometimes life is a PITA and other days are great but you have to make the most of what you have as it may not come along again.

[exbelg]

aren't there enough single women around in thailand, where you could make your own kids, if you would be insane enough to want some in stead of trying to bother with kids of another man ?

the comment someone said : you are just a man f*in my mother, makes a lot of sense; in the case you are seen as just an ATM machine...

time to sell those paid computers, mobile phones and other stuff for those spoilt kids who show no respect to you

[KoratFarang]

A normale relationship both partners work for a commen goal. So if you dont want to work and have the freedom to go and see friends when ever you want, then i am not going to finans it, with out the partner do something else for a commen goal and in this case the commen goal is i cant make money if my home is not clean and i dont get food. No one is the boss here, but i have seen many lady take avanges og farang and the farang money.

She have the oppetunity to find a job and work 8 hours a day 6 day a week for less or help my make my day more easy by taking care of the home and food for me and have alot of freedom, i did not tell her what to do.

Many times when we plan holliday she have no ideer what part of the world she would like to see, when i ask where to go out and eat she dont care as long she can get a red beef.

So why ask ?

i really feel sorry for you and your relationships that you described for us.

in a normal relationships between a mature male and mature female, there is always a give and take situations; where none is the king, queen or boss.

with your description of your home relationships, to me, you seem to have been borne several decades too late.

from my humble point of view, you do not have a family relationships at all. it is more like a master and slave or servant situation where the supposedly king is always barking orders.

well, if you are happy and let's forget about her feelings, that is all it matters right.

i am not able to say that you are wrong or anything like that, but if i were you, i would certainly want a balance of happiness and opinion in the family where everyone including the little ones, if you have any, would have a voice in deciding what, when, where, how, which and why of whatever the family plan or project is....

i humbly submit.

[vont]

A normale relationship both partners work for a commen goal. So if you dont want to work and have the freedom to go and see friends when ever you want, then i am not going to finans it, with out the partner do something else for a commen goal and in this case the commen goal is i cant make money if my home is not clean and i dont get food. No one is the boss here, but i have seen many lady take avanges og farang and the farang money.

She have the oppetunity to find a job and work 8 hours a day 6 day a week for less or help my make my day more easy by taking care of the home and food for me and have alot of freedom, i did not tell her what to do.

Many times when we plan holliday she have no ideer what part of the world she would like to see, when i ask where to go out and eat she dont care as long she can get a red beef.

So why ask ?

i really feel sorry for you and your relationships that you described for us.

in a normal relationships between a mature male and mature female, there is always a give and take situations; where none is the king, queen or boss.

with your description of your home relationships, to me, you seem to have been borne several decades too late.

from my humble point of view, you do not have a family relationships at all. it is more like a master and slave or servant situation where the supposedly king is always barking orders.

well, if you are happy and let's forget about her feelings, that is all it matters right.

i am not able to say that you are wrong or anything like that, but if i were you, i would certainly want a balance of happiness and opinion in the family where everyone including the little ones, if you have any, would have a voice in deciding what, when, where, how, which and why of whatever the family plan or project is....

i humbly submit.

it is tough, really. i can only guess that where she came from, she was just not used to being accorded the courtesy of being able to choose between and among several choices like many of us did have when we were growing up.

whatever you can show her would probably be a new page in her life experiences.

there is a pm for you. cheers.

[bifftastic]

Jaideeguy I feel for you, I really do.

It must be an awful feeling being undermined or ignored in that way.

I'm sorry but I don't have any real suggestions that may help.

It all stems from the way the mum wants to bring up her kids. This is the same whether you're the biological father or not.

In my case I count myself to be extremely lucky.

My wife has struck the right balance with her two daughters. They do their homework when they come home from school, they pick up all their stuff left lying around the house (not at the first time of asking, but hey, they're kids!). She gives them the right balance of strict discipline and freedom to enjoy themselves.

They can eat sweets, but they must eat their dinner (if they don't they get 'spoon-fed' what she considers to be the important bits, like the meat and vegetables, told off for not being sensible about food, asked if they want to be healthy and have a long life etc.

They said they wanted a bicycle, my wife told the teacher at school and they now take half their school money every day, give it to the teacher to save for them. Over the past year they have saved up nearly 2,000 baht. The wife said she wanted them to know if you want something, you have to do something about it, not just say 'I want...' and get.

My friends who recently came over for our wedding, all remarked that the children were well behaved and polite whilst still being inquisitive and funny.

They do get a smack if they're out of order, from mum. They also get hugs and kisses.

The wife's sister's boy however, is a different story, he is hooked on computer games (we don't have one in the house though) and will steal money to feed his addiction. No amount of talking to him nicely or harshly has had any effect at all. His mum and the rest of the family have tried everything, to no avail.

All they do now is make sure they hide money.

My suggestion that he wasn't allowed in the house (after he took 100 baht from my wife's purse) wasn't so much ignored as '...yes I know, but we can't do that, it will make him worse and he will steal from other people...'

I guess what I mean by all this is that it all boils down to individuals.

I'm lucky that, my wife has a strong, and in my opinion very good, idea about how to bring up her children. The children themselves also have good personalities, and enjoy life to the max. Sure they're a bit naughty and a pain in the arse from time to time, but that's ok, they're kids!

The nephew, again it's all down to who he is as a person, his mum tries her best but she isn't the same as my wife.

If your wife allows your (step) children to do all these things, unless you and her can really sit down and come to an understanding about how to proceed, together, I fear things will hardly change.

When I need to discipline my step-daughters, I get support from my wife, and vice versa. If one of them is, in my opinion, playing up a little, she get's a harsh word from me, mum has never undermined this, even if she doesn't agree. Sometimes I get the ...'mum's gone out, let's ask papa for some money'

they get... 'no chance!...mum said "haam gin khanom"....when she comes back we'll see'

Unless you can work as a team, bringing them up together, it's going to be hard for you.

Obviously there are times when we disagree, but that's normal. For the most part, we agree, and if we don't, we talk about it.

That's the key to this, you need to talk about it.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope it works out for you.

Biff

P. S. just to add, my wife is from a poor background, one of 12 siblings and left school when she was 12. I have been pretty much self-sufficient since the age of 15. Social class (for want of a better term) and formal education, or the lack of it, can have a bearing in these matters, but it's not always the case that poor people are useless.

Edited June 19, 2011 by bifftastic

[Lancelot]

It happens everywhere - not just Thailand.

I agree. As the world, in general, becomes more wealthy, we tend to spoil our children and it is starting to show. So many self absorbed people with little or no consideration for others.

[OxfordWill]

It sounds like you know what you should be doing to help these kids and what is in the best interests of the kids and also the mother. But clearly something is preventing you from acting on this knowledge. I would start there.

[kandahar]

Jaideeguy, I didn't read all of the posts here. I completed the first page and some of the third. So, maybe this has been said already.

This really isn't about the kids, I think. This many years into it with them and this is where it is. You aren't going to make any big changes there. So, you can live with what it is or you can't.

In my opinion, this is really about you and her. Is she the one for you? Or is it really all over? If she's the one, keep in mind that the kids will move on one day. If she's the one, she will make sure that happens. She will do it so you two can get on with life. If she isn't your REAL partner in this life, then the trouble could well continue when the kids are adults. You could well be supporting them as adults and probably won't even know just how much you were supporting them. If she is your partner in life, then just get used to what is happening, stay busy, occupy yourself and spend what good time with her that you can. And if there are good times with the kids during that time, then enjoy that too.

You wrote some things that give me a pretty good clue as to what is what. But only you know for sure.

Here's the thing. You aren't getting any younger. You said you have a lot invested there in real estate. Don't let that keep you hanging on, waiting for the inevitable. If you're working now, you have the possibility now of starting over. Starting over now will be easier than if you wait until the last kid is out of university and the two of you find there is no reason left to be in the same house. Where will you be working then? How much will you be making? How old then? How bitter then?

Look at what you have, man. Is it what you want? Is it what you need? If it isn't, do something about it while there is time. If it is, then stay put and keep posting this stuff off your chest and stay sane until it gets better.

You know if you're the one for her. You're the one who has to know.

Life sucks really bad sometimes. It hurts. Usually, we tend to make it tougher ourselves. Think about what you have. And then commit to what you have. Or start over while you can start over.