Viz Letters Page

[Prudent_rabbit]

I have recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about

Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am

gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?

D Barclay

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris

patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim

cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in

Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty

pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

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How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his

Multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used

it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once

again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20

years.

Tim

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The

last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady

stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this

turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me

stronger'.

I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive

strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent

vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes

the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on

the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite

fond

of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living

room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting

questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his

official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where

does this final score place our national champ in the world league

table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that

Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten

years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be

punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that

most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in

Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it

just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't

told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.

What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering

on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces

soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers

include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t

quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,

but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the

pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia

with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection

with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo

Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account

their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's

Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits

climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they

should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London