The Balance Of Power

[Boo]

I am a very organised person, a natural leader & doer, my husband on the other hand is a natural follower & likes that I take control of most situations & organising/planning of our life.

Whilst I enjoy taking care of this aspect of our lives; planning holidays, being in charge of a household management, dealing with government things, shopping, gift buying & all money matters etc I sometimes feel that he is missing out on some control in his life because of how much I do do.

I admit to being a control freak & he is happy with this arrangment (why wouldn't he be? He doesn't have to do anything but I also never give him the opportunity to do anything either) but I have been thinking recently that I should start giving him some of these things to do instead as I feel like I am too much in control.

I should mention that he is very very laid back & has a very calm personality. He is quite spiritual & take things as they come. He does all the DIY type stuff around the house as well as most of the cooking & we share the cleaning about 60/40 with me doing the majority.

I understand in most thai families the women is in control of the house hold stuff & that is the tradtional role for women in my family too but I worry sometimes that my dominant personality is holding him back somehow & preventing him from showing skills I supress.

Now, with all this info do you think I should hand over some of the more important household duties to him or do you think I am worrying over nothing & that he wont appriciate having his cosy, easy laid back life disturbed by his nutty wife trying to show him how to pay the electric bill

[Glauka]

I am a very organised person, a natural leader & doer, my husband on the other hand is a natural follower & likes that I take control of most situations & organising/planning of our life.

Whilst I enjoy taking care of this aspect of our lives; planning holidays, being in charge of a household management, dealing with government things, shopping, gift buying & all money matters etc I sometimes feel that he is missing out on some control in his life because of how much I do do. 

I admit to being a control freak & he is happy with this arrangment (why wouldn't he be? He doesn't have to do anything but I also never give him the opportunity to do anything either) but I have been thinking recently that I should start giving him some of these things to do instead as I feel like I am too much in control.

I should mention that he is very very laid back & has a very calm personality. He is quite spiritual & take things as they come. He does all the DIY type stuff around the house as well as most of the cooking & we share the cleaning about 60/40 with me doing the majority.

I understand in most thai families the women is in control of the house hold stuff & that is the tradtional role for women in my family too but I worry sometimes that my dominant personality is holding him back somehow & preventing him from showing skills I supress.  

Now, with all this info do you think I should hand over some of the more important household duties to him or do you think I am worrying over nothing & that he wont appriciate having his cosy, easy laid back life disturbed by his nutty wife trying to show him how to pay the electric bill

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

IMO i think this is you again taking control...

just relax and enjoy...

You are happy...he is happy...

If someday you are not there for any reason he will take control of the situation...that´s for sure...

Now you take control because I guess is part of your personality...and he jsut like you to do it...if you don´t mind don´t worry I think he doesn´t mind either...

Edited December 13, 2005 by Glauka

[kat]

Yeah - if it's not broke, why fix it? I think the moment you tried to "fix" it, you might throw things off balance and discover problems where before there were none. It might throw off the natural chemistry and attraction you have for one another.

Unless, of course, you feel it is a problem.

Just my 2 cents, but I really don't know.

[rio666uk]

Hmm... i dont agree

Boo - where are you both living at the moment?

Having read your post i would suggest that you let your husband have some control over the more simple of household administrative chores, despite probably not being too interested in them, its at least another bit of independence that he has.

Although I take care of everything as you do, Im always concious to try and explain to my wife as much as i can about doing such everyday things here in the UK, so she has an understanding at least if the worst were to happen to me unexpectedly.

Edited December 13, 2005 by rio666uk

[Boo]

I never thought of my worry being another control issue but I think your right Glakula And Kat,I agree, it is the attraction between us that he is so laid back, I couldn't be with a guy like me as we would end up killing each other, so maybe things are best left as they are. If I ask him if he wants to do more though, but he may just say yes!!!!!!!

[Boo]

Rio66uk, we are both in the UK but I know if I was not around for any reason he would be able to cope, he is computor literate, speaks fluent English & has really good problem solving skills it's just that I'm better (Joke ) Seriously though, that is one of my concerns, if I was in hospital or something I wouldn't want the house repossessed cause he didn't know to pay the bills or mortgage.

In thailand he tended to take the official tasks such as utilities so I supposed it's the same thing, we are in my country so I do most but know that I'm such bossy cow sometimes that he might not get the opportunity to do something even if he wanted

[sbk]

Offer him the opportunity, if he takes it then you know he wanted it, if he blows it off then you know he doesn't.

[britmaveric]

I think for the most part its like that in any relationship, someone takes the natural lead because there more suited for it. If it works for both without any complaints on either person than it definitely doesnt need any adjusting.

[sbk]

I think for the most part its like that in any relationship, someone takes the natural lead because there more suited for it. If it works for both without any complaints on either person than it definitely doesnt need any adjusting.

I agree to a point brit. Alot of relationships are like this and if it aint broke don't fix it (as my dad says).

That said, I wouldn't say there is always a "natural leader" in every relationship. We don't have one in ours, I am the louder one that talks more (for sure ) but some things I take the lead on, others are his. I don't make a major decision without consulting my husband first (and vice versa). Alot of times, when I don't want to make the decision I say "Ask my husband" and I know he will do the same for things he doesn't want to deal with. That said, after living here so long I am capable of dealing with some bureaucratic bs things but he mostly deal with them. When we are in the US (or if it's US related) its my job.

[Boo]

Dont get me wrong, the big things are discussed & agreed on together like what house to buy or where to go on holiday, but I do the finer details like chasing, booking etc.

[Tywais]

That said, I wouldn't say there is  always a "natural leader" in every relationship.

Not every relationship but it is common. I've been on both sides of the street so to speak. I had one girl friend in the states that it was clear that I had the control side and she the passive. Actually nearly got into a row with a girl at a party we were at. I asked my girl friend to get me something to drink and she (gf) said "right away master". I got this look from the other girl like "&lt;deleted&gt;" and she asked me if it was just a game we were playing. Of course it was in fun but decided that maybe it wasn't a PC thing (the womens' movement was in full swing). I'm not a control freak by any means. This is just how balance came to be in our relationship.

On the other hand, I had a girl friend later on that lead me around like a puppy on a leash and was very controlling. To be honest I'm not crazy about either of those two scenarios and that is why I'm married to someone where it's pretty much 50/50 in this area.

It's a tough call to know how well it works (unbalanced) but you know your partner well enough to be able to 'read' him I assume. If not just talk to him about it and let him size it up for you.

Oops, just realized I'm in the "Ladies in thailand" forum, hope you don't mind us 'lesser beings' joining in.

Edited December 13, 2005 by tywais

[sbk]

Not a bit, certainly some sound advice too.

If you are happy and he is happy then live with it, but, if you feel it is causing problems then perhaps it is? Have you tried discussing what he feels his role is with him?

Sorry, I know, communication isn't always men's greatest skills--Thai or Farang --I think they all hate that "But how do you feel about it, honey?" question

[Boo]

LOL, no problem tywais, all are welcome in the ladies section.

To be honest, neither of us are pushing the other around or leading the other in terms of our life, he is his own man & will quickly tell me if he isn't happy with a situation it's just that I am more organised & efficient than he is so tend to take charge of things like bills, booking things etc. & am worried that maybe I am taking too much stuff & that he needs, for his own satisfaction, to do some of those duties himself.?

I think tonight I am going to ask him to take charge of booking our next trip back to LOS, it's something I normally do & it is very time consuming with internal flights, booking hotels etc but this year, he can be in charge of everything, including where we go & our budget.

If he says he doesn't want to then I'll know that I am making an issue over nothing but if he jumps at it then I can ask him what else he wants to do, if anything & see where we go from there.

Now, anyone have any good self help books for control freaks on how to let go?

[seonai]

Hey Boo dear,

I understand power struggles etc and I know you to be such a cool person. I think you are right to offer him the right to book your forthcoming trips. If he backs off, you know you are okay to steam ahead. If he grasps it with open arms.... let him do it. You might feel relaxed that he can organise for you. As a matter of interest, when I let my husband do the planning we get on much better. He feels stronger.

Seonai

[khall64au]

So Boo, does your relationship have the same balance of responsibilities as when you lived in Thailand? Maybe, because it's your country you now live in, hubby feels that you know the bureaucratic process and commercial world better and can deal with it more efficiently.

Having said that, reflecting on my last long term relationship in the west - with a western partner - he was quite happy to let me deal with the majority of business and most domestic matters (although he shared the cooking).

Is it because women are better managers, overall, in their own environment? Or is it a personality thing? I think it's a combination and we all are suited to the roles we feel more comfortable with. If you're happy and he's happy .... keep on keeping on!

[seville]

Hey Boo, from one control freak to another before you ask him to book everything make sure in yourself, that you aren't going to be upset when you see the flights and find out that to save a little $ he decided it was okay to have that long lay over in Hong Kong or your plane leaving at a time that lands you in BKK at 1:30 am. There are pit falls, yeah. If you ask him to do the booking and you say, make sure this, this and this. He's going to think to himself, "why is she asking me to do this."

I think it's very important that your husband knows where all the bills are kept and how to pay them and the lot, but with money matters, I find it better if one person handles it.

As far as the house hold stuff goes the same kind of thing applies, are you going to tell him after he's cleaned the house that he's missed a few spots and should have done it differently?

The person who first said, "If you want something done right, you better do it yourself," was a control freak and I bet a women.

[thaibebop]

Don't worry about Boo. Men do very poorly with power. My wife tells me all the time that she wonders how I lived as long as I did until I met her.

[Patsycat]

Give him a mop and take a couple of days off...

[Boo]

?