Thinking Of Divorce - Us Or Thailand?

[Bob102]

I just wanted some direct advice on my marital situation. My wife and I have been married for about five years and have a 4-year old son together. We were married in Thailand in 2008 and moved to the US in 2010. Our relationship has always been pretty rocky, but I've always tried my hardest to make things work, especially after the birth of our son.

Our son is closest to me -- my wife does very little to help take care of him -- yet she is always threatening to take him away from me. At this point he is the main reason why we stay together. We both understand that a divorce would involve a huge custody battle.

I have a 10-year old daughter from a previous relationship here in the US and my wife is very cold to her. I work the night shift at my job and often depend on my wife to help take care of my son and daughter while I am working, but its gotten to the point where my wife completely ignores my daughter and often just lays in bed the entire time and watches Thai soap operas.

Shortly after arriving in the US, my wife and I had a major argument in the middle of the night and she threatened to take my son and leave me -- I have no idea where she would have gone. She yanked my son from my arms and bite me on the shoulder, drawing blood. At the time I was scared of what she might do (in the past she has attempted suicide by ODing on medicine or cleaning chemicals) and so I immediately called the police and she was arrested and charged with domestic battery. Now, whenever we argue, she threatens to call the police and falsely accuse me of abuse -- she thinks this would be a one-way ticket to divorce and custody. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in this relationship.

As crazy as it may sound, when we do get along things are great and divorce is the furthest thing from my mind -- but I think my wife may suffer from some undiagnosed emotional or mental problems.

So I am faced with the decision to divorce and am not sure how to go about it. I met with a divorce attorney here in the US about a year ago and was told that if I filed first I could get temporary custody of our son and she would be forced to leave my home. I would have to act without her knowing as my wife has threatened to take our son back to Thailand and the lawyer said that she does have a legal right to leave the country with him; however, if I filed for divorce I could ask for a motion to bar her from traveling outside of the US. But this wouldn't be much help as she has nowhere to go and would have to check into a local shelter. I fear what she is capable of in these highly emotional moments of desperation as she has no financial means, no family here, and very few friends.

I understand that readers will look at both sides of the situation and say that she has a right to some form of custody... but if we divorce, I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder or to face an uncertain custody outcome (though I think based on our history I would likely be awarded custody). My wife does not want to stay in the US, as she always tells me, but if we divorced here, she would do her utmost to make life difficult for me. I would be forced to quit my job working the night shift and devote all of my time and resources to this divorce.

Considering the fact that she has schemed to take our son and leave me by some underhanded means, I too, have begun to consider alternatives. The other idea I have had would be to return to Thailand with her and my son... and somehow leave her in Thailand and return with my son. I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but part of me feels responsible for bringing her here, so it is therefore my responsibility to return her as well. I know this may sound unfair, but in the long run, this would lesson the stress on both me and my son, and she would be back with her friends and family where she would be better able to cope.

However this turns out, my son would be far better off with me as I already provide and take care of him like a single parent. I do have some questions....

Would it be possible to travel to Thailand with my wife and son, and then leave with just my son and pass through immigration without any problems or questions?

She has a marriage visa, green card, which we just recently had renewed for two years. Are there any advantages or disadvantages to divorce either in the US or Thailand?

Can anyone give me a name and contact info for a good divorce attorney in Thailand?

If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

[Baloo22]

I am not an attorney so I am not going to give you any legal advice. Going to an attorney for legal advice is the best. I would think that returning to Thailand with her and your son would give her many advantages and you, the foreigner, far less advantage.

You mentioned that your attorney told you that if you "filed for divorce I could ask for a motion to bar her from traveling outside of the US." I would ask the attorney if you could ask for a restraining order preventing your wife from taking your son outside the country during the divorce procedings (and how effective such an order would be). I would also ask the attorney if he thinks it would be wise to get a small recording device and, if possible, record some of your wife's threats to falsely accuse you of abuse. I know that could be risky!

I would also make sure that I had copies of the relevent police reports of her arrest and, if you can get them, any records/documentation of your wife's "attempted suicide by ODing on medicine or cleaning chemicals". Keep copies outside the house. With a trusted relative perhaps. Those may come in handy at a later date.

Have you gone through the process/paperwork to establish your son as a US citizen and does he have a US passport?

Tough situation. Best wishes for you and your kids.

[Bob102]

Thanks for the post. I agree... going to Thailand would be risky. But I think the best situation for her in a divorce would be for her to be in Thailand where she has emotional support. This would cause the least amount of stress for everyone. Also, sometimes I do not feel safe when she is in one of her moods. I have offered to buy her a one-way ticket to Thailand but she doesn't want to go without our son. I find this ironic as I mentioned previously, I take care of him almost like a single parent. If I go through with the divorce here, it is going to be a long drawn out process, and I don't expect that she will 'play by the rules' and may resort to something dramatic. I do have copies of the police report from when she was charged with domestic battery, but not from any of her suicide attempts, which occured in Bangkok where she was hospitalized and released. My son has both Thai and US passports, citizenship, etc.

[Baloo22]

Perhaps the best situation for her in a divorce would be for her to be in Thailand, but I don't know about having her and your son both going back to Thailand. I'm fairly new here but from some of the things I have heard, she could take your son and disappear to Nakon Nowhere or the middle of Bangkok and it would be practically impossible for you, the foreigner, to even find them.

Whatever drama she performs, make sure that you are the model of self-control and do not give the police or child services the slightest reason to mistrust you.

[Mario2008]

You either file for divorce in Thailand or in the US. For your wife it might be better to do it in Thailand, because of her support. For you to get custody, a US court would be easier as all police reports etc are in the US. Another important factor is that you have another child and a US court will be more reluctant to seperate two children.

In the US you can bar our wife taking your child to Thailand, in Thailand your wife can bar you from taking your child to the US.

In both countries you seem to be the person who will be awarded prime custody of the child, with the only question that of how much access to the child will the mother be granted.

[Bob102]

My wife just made arrangements about two weeks ago to attend her niece's wedding in Sisaket province next month. She will be traveling alone and staying for two weeks. As I may have mentioned previously, she has attempted suicide early in our relationship when I mentioned breaking up and she was charged here in the US with domestic battery for biting me on the shoulder (and snatching my son from my arms) after divorce was mentioned about two years ago.

Yes, I fear my wife's reaction to the mention of divorce and would prefer to do it while she is with her family in Thailand as she will have the emotional support she needs. I also want to shield my kids from witnessing anything dramatic. Here in the US, she has no emotional or financial support and if we were to divorce here I am not sure what she would do or where she would go. I happen to work the night shift at the homeless shelter, but I am sure she may gain a lot of sympathy and may be able to check in to the women's shelter for victims of domestic abuse (even though she is not a victim) where she could tell them god know what.

I am struggling with the ethics of telling her that I want a divorce while she is in Thailand and then what I should do afterwards. This may sound a bit devious, but I have considered canceling her return flight (I made the travel arrangements for her) as I could see her returning vengeful despite the fact that she has no support here. Or I could tell her that I will not longer sponser her for her visa or support her financially and hope that she will see the futility of returning to fight me in court here in the US. It is a choice between ending our marriage with a prolonged fight in and out of court OR ending it while she is in Thailand.

Despite our past, I feel a bit guilty for ending things this way but I see this as the best way to approach this emotionally charged issue. I know that she loves and cares for our son, despite her lack of attention and support at times, but I have heard her say in the past that she would kill herself if she was ever without him. I know that if she had custody of him she wouldn't be able to support him financially -- she would probably leave him with her poor family in Issan.

I had a question about the legalities involved...

If I were to go through with the divorce, cancel her return ticket, and get custody here in the US for our son, could she accuse me of kidnapping in Thailand? Would I be able to return to Thailand without having to worry about getting arrested upon arrival? I know that a US court order is not enforceable in Thailand and vice versa. If we divorce would I still be able to visit Thailand?

[Mario2008]

It would not be kidnapping, as she would not be returning.

There coud be a court battle over who gets temporary custody and in the end be awarded custody over the child. But if you cna proof her mental disorder, both a US and Thai court will rule in favour of you.

You can return to Thailand, but might be better to do so without the child as she could fight for custody in a Thai court. A Thai court might not just accpt a US court decision.

Once the child gets older, you run less risk as a judge will let what the child itself wants weight more heavily. A judge will not as easily send a 16 year old to the mother against his wish as might be in the case of a 6 year old.