Half American/Thai: Isaan Relatives Make Me Uncomfortable

[theblether]

They changed their cellphone.........just get on with your life. You are blameless. Edited June 30, 2012 by theblether

[missymoo]

I think you have been taken for a ride. Family (Thai or not) will not shun you just because you won't give them YOUR money for a party. To be honest, you haven't had much to do with them until you moved to Thailand. Do they even really consider you as family....or just a money bag??

[Pormax]

As said before it is the Thai culture and their way of life. All new houses in the village I live in have a 'house' party. It is to do with merit but also a lot to do with 'face' . 30,000B is not that expensive for a party, My house party cost me more than 100,000B. Ok we not had only the traditional 9 monks, caterers to do the cooking but also music with singers and dancers. Also a party does not last just one day. The day before there is a ceremony of blessing the house and all the family come to eat and prepare a meal for the monks in the morning. Then early the next morning the family start cooking again about 6am then they eat again before giving food to the monks at 11am. So in a way it is much more than a UK or USA house warming party. All the village came as well as the various relatives scattered in the surrounding vilages although only gave out 170 invitations more than 400 came. When people come to a party they are expected to put money in the envelope the invitation came in and one hopes this goes somewhat to covering the expenses.. I got 35,000B back because the villagers are so poor they only give 200B on average. Family gave 500B or 1,000B. But I still lost out by 65,000B. Your family will not only be expecting you to carry on the Thai tradition but will also have felt let down after telling everyone or at least the villagers expecting that you have a party for the house. So they lose face in their community. I am not saying who is to blame here for the breakdown in family unity but I suspect that coming from USA you did not learn a great deal about Thai village culture before you came back. Unlike some others I don't blame the family for trying to do what is to them tradition.

[Pormax]

Monks do take too much money. Forthe 9 (lucky number in Thailand) I had to give 500 B to 8 of them and 1,000B to the head monk. My wife's sister and husband having some problems and wanted to split. The family not happy and wanted them to go and see a certain monk ( I guesslike a marraige counselor) The monk wamted 22,000B. 7,000B at the meeting then 15,000B if they worked things out and stayed together!! They did not, the problem was the wife's sister and the local HEAD monk of the village were having an affair. Now the monk is no more but married (thai style) to the wife's sister. Can you imagine the problems that has caused. Next to their KIng the monks are held in the highest order and with total respect then the head monk does this and lives in the same village.

[doontp]

I think you have been taken for a ride. Family (Thai or not) will not shun you just because you won't give them YOUR money for a party. To be honest, you haven't had much to do with them until you moved to Thailand. Do they even really consider you as family....or just a money bag??

I can't answer that question for sure.........I just don't know. I think they consider me family AND a money bag.

[steelepulse]

How did they ever get by without you and your moneybag? However they did, they can go back to that life as you have no obligation to contribute to their laziness. Might want to consider changing your phone also so those " give us 30K" calls will stop.

[dave111223]

My house party cost me more than 100,000B. Ok we not had only the traditional 9 monks, caterers to do the cooking but also music with singers and dancers. A

You have been robbed.

[chris1dna]

I'm not sure if this will help but; understanding Thai village culture is difficult for a westerner. Extremely! I paid a 100.000 baht to my wife's family as a dowry ten years ago upon our marriage. I set up a savings account that my sister inlaw draws from once a month to support my wife's parents who are very old. It's only about $175 us each month. I did pay for my mother in laws cataract operation. Neither me nor my wife have ever been hit up for cash like you are experiencing. We visit often and always leave some money to the parents when we leave. I accepted this responsibility knowingly when I married. I know your sit is different but I would surmise that the treatment you are receiving is abusive and not at all very good of them. Them having face dictated by your cash is NOT acceptable. Many of the village folks are very much like the folks we see on the Jerry Springer Show back here in the states. Not the brightest tools on the shed so to speak. I'm not disparaging Thais when I say that country folk around the world are not necessarily the most sophisticated and understanding. Many are in abject poverty of a kind we westerners cannot comprehend. When your dinner is whatever you caught and pulled from the ground everyday it is difficult not to have a mindset of grab it while ya can when a falang/family member comes to town with what seems to them a sh$t load of cash. My only advice would be this. Explain your situation to the elders of the family if you can. Be extremely respectful and calm. Use someone you trust to translate for you. Your heritage is yours and you have every right to it. Your young now but after many years have passed you will find that having kept ties with some family in your Thai side will be something more valuable to you then. It sounds like an extremely difficult sit and I hope the best for you. Good luck. Hope this helps.

[TommoPhysicist]

In Thailand, never give anyone (but your mother) money.

Give money to anyone else and they just think you are stupid.

And who wants to be pals with a stupid person?

You gave them 1Mbht for what? Any land or building in your name?

PS

My wife gave her mother, sister and brother loads of money, they took it all and asked for more.

Directly I married her, no more money for sister or brother, fixed allowance for mum (3k/month)

Sister and brother now hate her, mum thinks she is best daughter ever (and me best SIL)

Edited July 12, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[doontp]

I'm not sure if this will help but; understanding Thai village culture is difficult for a westerner. Extremely! I paid a 100.000 baht to my wife's family as a dowry ten years ago upon our marriage. I set up a savings account that my sister inlaw draws from once a month to support my wife's parents who are very old. It's only about $175 us each month. I did pay for my mother in laws cataract operation. Neither me nor my wife have ever been hit up for cash like you are experiencing. We visit often and always leave some money to the parents when we leave. I accepted this responsibility knowingly when I married. I know your sit is different but I would surmise that the treatment you are receiving is abusive and not at all very good of them. Them having face dictated by your cash is NOT acceptable. Many of the village folks are very much like the folks we see on the Jerry Springer Show back here in the states. Not the brightest tools on the shed so to speak. I'm not disparaging Thais when I say that country folk around the world are not necessarily the most sophisticated and understanding. Many are in abject poverty of a kind we westerners cannot comprehend. When your dinner is whatever you caught and pulled from the ground everyday it is difficult not to have a mindset of grab it while ya can when a falang/family member comes to town with what seems to them a sh$t load of cash. My only advice would be this. Explain your situation to the elders of the family if you can. Be extremely respectful and calm. Use someone you trust to translate for you. Your heritage is yours and you have every right to it. Your young now but after many years have passed you will find that having kept ties with some family in your Thai side will be something more valuable to you then. It sounds like an extremely difficult sit and I hope the best for you. Good luck. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the sound advice. I do plan on maintaining ties. The long run is very important.

[doontp]

In Thailand, never give anyone (but your mother) money.

Give money to anyone else and they just think you are stupid.

And who wants to be pals with a stupid person?

You gave them 1Mbht for what? Any land or building in your name?

PS

My wife gave her mother, sister and brother loads of money, they took it all and asked for more.

Directly I married her, no more money for sister or brother, fixed allowance for mum (3k/month)

Sister and brother now hate her, mum thinks she is best daughter ever (and me best SIL)

As you already know, Isaan folks live very primitive. I gave them money to build a comfortable place for me to stay at when I visit......AC, toilet, hot shower, bed and furniture. Life is filled with gambles and I was prepared to lose the money when I handed it over. I would never give anyone my last dollar.

As far as ownership....I'm not quite sure who owns the house and land on paper. They say I do, but I'll verify this on my next trip to Isaan.

I agree...never give anyone money except mom.........in this case I gave money to my late mom's little brother and his wife. I consider them the only ones close enough to me to give money to.

[TommoPhysicist]

As far as ownership....I'm not quite sure who owns the house and land on paper. They say I do, but I'll verify this on my next trip to Isaan.

Chanote is issued at the Land Office, if you don't have it, you don't own it.

These people are lying to you, they may live primitive lives, but they are really good liars.

Stealing land from other family members is a way of life out in the villages, trust no-one.

Edited July 13, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[KunMatt]

In Thailand, never give anyone (but your mother) money.

Give money to anyone else and they just think you are stupid.

And who wants to be pals with a stupid person?

You gave them 1Mbht for what? Any land or building in your name?

PS

My wife gave her mother, sister and brother loads of money, they took it all and asked for more.

Directly I married her, no more money for sister or brother, fixed allowance for mum (3k/month)

Sister and brother now hate her, mum thinks she is best daughter ever (and me best SIL)

As you already know, Isaan folks live very primitive. I gave them money to build a comfortable place for me to stay at when I visit......AC, toilet, hot shower, bed and furniture. Life is filled with gambles and I was prepared to lose the money when I handed it over. I would never give anyone my last dollar.

As far as ownership....I'm not quite sure who owns the house and land on paper. They say I do, but I'll verify this on my next trip to Isaan.

I agree...never give anyone money except mom.........in this case I gave money to my late mom's little brother and his wife. I consider them the only ones close enough to me to give money to.

So where do you stand with them right now? Do you communicate or visit with them?

Have you seen the 2 houses you built? Did you ask where that other 200k went??

I agree that Isaan people have very little morals when it comes to totally <deleted> each other over. I've seen several fights recently within my gf's extended family over land and deals where they stop at nothing to win and screw the other family member over. Sometimes it was for financial gain but there has been instances where it has been purely just to spite the other party who originally found the land and was trying to buy it.

Don't finance a land sale here if you are a foreigner, and don't trust anyone with that kind of money if you want to do something like build a house without being there. You will get ripped off 100% of the time. My gf's cousin who lives in BKK sent a specific team of builders from BKK to Isaan to build her a house here because she trusted them so much, within a fortnight they were stealing her money.

[doontp]

In Thailand, never give anyone (but your mother) money.

Give money to anyone else and they just think you are stupid.

And who wants to be pals with a stupid person?

You gave them 1Mbht for what? Any land or building in your name?

PS

My wife gave her mother, sister and brother loads of money, they took it all and asked for more.

Directly I married her, no more money for sister or brother, fixed allowance for mum (3k/month)

Sister and brother now hate her, mum thinks she is best daughter ever (and me best SIL)

As you already know, Isaan folks live very primitive. I gave them money to build a comfortable place for me to stay at when I visit......AC, toilet, hot shower, bed and furniture. Life is filled with gambles and I was prepared to lose the money when I handed it over. I would never give anyone my last dollar.

As far as ownership....I'm not quite sure who owns the house and land on paper. They say I do, but I'll verify this on my next trip to Isaan.

I agree...never give anyone money except mom.........in this case I gave money to my late mom's little brother and his wife. I consider them the only ones close enough to me to give money to.

So where do you stand with them right now? Do you communicate or visit with them?

Have you seen the 2 houses you built? Did you ask where that other 200k went??

I agree that Isaan people have very little morals when it comes to totally <deleted> each other over. I've seen several fights recently within my gf's extended family over land and deals where they stop at nothing to win and screw the other family member over. Sometimes it was for financial gain but there has been instances where it has been purely just to spite the other party who originally found the land and was trying to buy it.

Don't finance a land sale here if you are a foreigner, and don't trust anyone with that kind of money if you want to do something like build a house without being there. You will get ripped off 100% of the time. My gf's cousin who lives in BKK sent a specific team of builders from BKK to Isaan to build her a house here because she trusted them so much, within a fortnight they were stealing her money.

I stand, emotionally and physically, at a distance right now........as compared to four years ago when I first arrived.

I only visit once a year, during October. At first, I would visit several times a year, but that has changed after catching them lying to me more and more and feeling taken advantage off. I have learned to never go shopping or out anywhere with them because I'll end up paying for everything. We only go to the market together and I buy food, which I have no problem doing. I enjoy traveling to the countryside (Isaan) once a year, just for a little change in scenery. I enjoy fishing alone and driving along the rural roads near the border. I seem to always come across something interesting.

They quit calling me since I denied them money, with the exception of New Year's Day. My uncle called and wished me good luck in the new year. I do have a cousin who lives and works as an English teacher in Pattaya. He's okay to talk with even though he likes men and enjoys dressing up like a lady.

Yes, I have seen both of the houses.....there're only two blocks apart in the village. My house sets empty when I'm not there. My aunt and uncle lied to me about the cost of utilities in my house, in an attempt to get money out of me. Electricity only costs 3 baht/unit and they told me 7 baht/unit. I confronted them on that and my 60 year-old uncle started looking at the ground like a little boy caught stealing candy. I located the electric meter and now know exactly what I use.

I did ask about the other 200K. They said they had to pay the construction company. They told me their house costed 400,000 Baht. My house is almost exaclty like theirs, only the color scheme is different. So I asked why did my house (or rather, the other house) cost 600,000 baht? My aunt, uncle and their daughter immediately turned around and walked away, as a way of saying they didn't want to answer or deal with that question.

All of this dishonesty is crazy. They simply shot themselves in the foot. More than once have I handed them envelopes with 10-20 thousand baht as gifts. More than once have I gone to the bank and deposited money into their accounts. No more. The honeymoon is over.

[edwinclapham]

The honeymoon is over.

Induction phase is over now eh! hard lessons to learn, particularly when its family , but in a way essential so as to be able to go forward.

[KunMatt]

Oh well, it cost you a lot of money to learn and you perpetuated the image that farang are very easily manipulated and lied to so Image sure the rest of that village are now looking for their own foreign real estate investor, but it sounds like you have all you need to know already.

Again, if it was me I wouldn't let them get away with it just out of principal. Legally claim whatever you are entitled to and sell it or destroy it.

Also, electricity IS approx 7 baht a unit when you are using a temporary rented electricity meter, eg usually when you are building a house and have yet to officially register the house with the electric company. When you buy your own electric meter box then the rate per unit is about 3 baht.

Good luck, and keep us updated. This is better than watching a Thai soap opera for us.

[KunMatt]

Btw, is it possible that you were always expecting to be ripped off by your Isaan family but a lot of the things you think are scams are just misunderstandings by you? Like that electric rate, it could well be that your house is still on emergency rate as you have not registered it with the electric company (easy to find out by just checking the bill). Maybe your house did cost 200k more. The 30k for a building completion party does seem perfectly reasonable, my gf's cousin's was somewhere in the region of 150k.

The fact that they do not want to talk to you or answer your questions could just be because they feel like you are accusing them of being thieves when they have just been doing you a huge favour and helping you out by building a house for you (although you got two for the price you expected to get just one).

Isaan people are very different and I'm wrong all the time about them which my expectations and prejudices!

Going to restaurants and paying for everyone is also perfectly normal, I don't even notice it anymore as it is the done thing, except for when my parents came to visit us here and my gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant and threw a huge party which the whole village came to. I also look at it as being a way I can pay them back for everything they do for us here, my gf's dad does so much for us everyday and never asks or wants for anything, I don't work in their rice field like a Thai son in law would but I do drive them if they need to go anywhere and I pay for them eating out and occasionally some groceries from a bug supermarket. Its pretty much the least I can do.

[doontp]

Oh well, it cost you a lot of money to learn and you perpetuated the image that farang are very easily manipulated and lied to so Image sure the rest of that village are now looking for their own foreign real estate investor, but it sounds like you have all you need to know already.

Again, if it was me I wouldn't let them get away with it just out of principal. Legally claim whatever you are entitled to and sell it or destroy it.

Also, electricity IS approx 7 baht a unit when you are using a temporary rented electricity meter, eg usually when you are building a house and have yet to officially register the house with the electric company. When you buy your own electric meter box then the rate per unit is about 3 baht.

Good luck, and keep us updated. This is better than watching a Thai soap opera for us.

My electric box is not rented. The neighbor across the street told me my rate is 3 baht per unit. The neighbor told me this before my uncle realized it. The neighbor told me about the 3 baht/ unit rate after I showed him my electric bill from my apt here in BKK, where I'm charged 7 baht/unit. The meter for the house is brand new and sets along side other meters. My uncle told me he didn't know which one was mine, but I figured it out. It wasn't hard because it's clean and shiny. Also, I'm the only one with AC and I know about how many units an AC uses per night.

Thanks for the good luck and I'll keep updating and hopefully someone else can learn from my situation.

[doontp]

Btw, is it possible that you were always expecting to be ripped off by your Isaan family but a lot of the things you think are scams are just misunderstandings by you? Like that electric rate, it could well be that your house is still on emergency rate as you have not registered it with the electric company (easy to find out by just checking the bill). Maybe your house did cost 200k more. The 30k for a building completion party does seem perfectly reasonable, my gf's cousin's was somewhere in the region of 150k.

The fact that they do not want to talk to you or answer your questions could just be because they feel like you are accusing them of being thieves when they have just been doing you a huge favour and helping you out by building a house for you (although you got two for the price you expected to get just one).

Isaan people are very different and I'm wrong all the time about them which my expectations and prejudices!

Going to restaurants and paying for everyone is also perfectly normal, I don't even notice it anymore as it is the done thing, except for when my parents came to visit us here and my gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant and threw a huge party which the whole village came to. I also look at it as being a way I can pay them back for everything they do for us here, my gf's dad does so much for us everyday and never asks or wants for anything, I don't work in their rice field like a Thai son in law would but I do drive them if they need to go anywhere and I pay for them eating out and occasionally some groceries from a bug supermarket. Its pretty much the least I can do.

A reason for my OP was to try and figure out if I'm just misunderstanding them and perhaps gain a new perspective. I care about my Isaan relatives, despite our mix-ups.

I would never "fully" expect anyone to rip me off after giving them a million baht. I also would not expect them to be fully honest either. I did not expect the dishonesty to be so blatant, to the point of making me feel somewhat like a fool. The original plan was to build one house and they would move into it. I simply wanted one bedroom for myself. There didn't seem to be any misunderstanding. My uncle's daughter speaks English very well. My uncle also speaks a little bit of English. I didn't want an entire house for myself. I think it's kind of stupid to have a house that sets empty for 50 weeks/year.

The 30k was not for a building completion party. My uncle's son got ordained as a monk and they wanted to have a party for him. I made it very clear from day one that I'm not a very religious person.

The fact that they do not want to talk much to me now is because they feel ashamed. A cousin of mine told me that my uncle feels ashamed about asking for money after I denied him 30k for the party. As previously stated, everything changed from the moment of denying the 30k. They were getting carried away with the requests and I had to unplug the record player.

The tone of questioning I use, in my opionion, comes off as curiosity rather than accusatory. I could be wrong about my opinion, but I try to be very careful when asking a question. I do know how people can easily get defensive and shut down.

Not bragging, but I spent 15 years in the US working as a detective and I had to be very careful in the way I worded questions when interviewing someone.

As far as a "huge favor for me"......I felt like I was doing them a huge favor in providing funding for a new home. Their house was slowly being eaten by termites. I could have easily visited them once and decided to never return. Upon departing after my first visit, they were asking me not to forget them and to please return. I told them I would not forget them and that I would return.

You mentioned you gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant. That is something they paid for. I never met your gf's family and I already respect them. My Isaan relatives have never paid for anything. Not one thing. There's an expectation that I pay for everything and it has gotten old. I would feel a whole hell of a lot better if they simply paid for something. I'm a cheap date. I'm easy to please. I doesn't take much. Example: A cousin of mine took me to an ice-cream shop in town and bought me an ice-cream with money from her pocket. I was like...."far-out man,,cool,,,thanks dude!!" Halfway through my peanut covered chocolate ice-cream, she hit me up for B10,000. The second half of that ice-cream didn't taste very well. Paying for everything has made me feel used after a couple of years.

They never seem to say thank you.

I appreciate your post and I hope I covered all the bases.

[TommoPhysicist]

Why don't you get a printed electricity bill like everyone else in Thailand?

Paying for everything has made me feel used after a couple of years.

Can't help thinking this problem is one of your own making.

I never pay for anyone, living outside my home.

Just learn to say NO.

Edited July 15, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[canuckamuck]

Yep don't give your money away and they will stop asking. I have never given more than 2000 baht to someone who doesn't live in my house, and I have only given that much twice I think. both times for medical purposes.

I paid to have workers put the rice in this year, it was 5000 baht. That's about it, I don't even lend tools.

Nobody has any problem with that. It helps that my wife is on my side on this issue.

Edited July 15, 2012 by canuckamuck

[JimmyTheMook]

[doontp]

I came to LOS wearing a blindfold.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation:

Be careful about getting involved in a different culture and people with different educational and financial backgrounds……do research on the different aspects of the culture and determine what you’re willing to take.

I don’t regret traveling here and meeting my mom’s relatives, but I do regret getting too involved and trying to get close to them. We are blood related, but our minds seem to be far apart. I don’t plan on shutting them out, but I will keep a safe distance. At this point, they know now not to ask me for money…….once bitten, twice shy.

Hopefully this thread can be helpful to someone else.

[KunMatt]

Btw, is it possible that you were always expecting to be ripped off by your Isaan family but a lot of the things you think are scams are just misunderstandings by you? Like that electric rate, it could well be that your house is still on emergency rate as you have not registered it with the electric company (easy to find out by just checking the bill). Maybe your house did cost 200k more. The 30k for a building completion party does seem perfectly reasonable, my gf's cousin's was somewhere in the region of 150k.

The fact that they do not want to talk to you or answer your questions could just be because they feel like you are accusing them of being thieves when they have just been doing you a huge favour and helping you out by building a house for you (although you got two for the price you expected to get just one).

Isaan people are very different and I'm wrong all the time about them which my expectations and prejudices!

Going to restaurants and paying for everyone is also perfectly normal, I don't even notice it anymore as it is the done thing, except for when my parents came to visit us here and my gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant and threw a huge party which the whole village came to. I also look at it as being a way I can pay them back for everything they do for us here, my gf's dad does so much for us everyday and never asks or wants for anything, I don't work in their rice field like a Thai son in law would but I do drive them if they need to go anywhere and I pay for them eating out and occasionally some groceries from a bug supermarket. Its pretty much the least I can do.

A reason for my OP was to try and figure out if I'm just misunderstanding them and perhaps gain a new perspective. I care about my Isaan relatives, despite our mix-ups.

I would never "fully" expect anyone to rip me off after giving them a million baht. I also would not expect them to be fully honest either. I did not expect the dishonesty to be so blatant, to the point of making me feel somewhat like a fool. The original plan was to build one house and they would move into it. I simply wanted one bedroom for myself. There didn't seem to be any misunderstanding. My uncle's daughter speaks English very well. My uncle also speaks a little bit of English. I didn't want an entire house for myself. I think it's kind of stupid to have a house that sets empty for 50 weeks/year.

The 30k was not for a building completion party. My uncle's son got ordained as a monk and they wanted to have a party for him. I made it very clear from day one that I'm not a very religious person.

The fact that they do not want to talk much to me now is because they feel ashamed. A cousin of mine told me that my uncle feels ashamed about asking for money after I denied him 30k for the party. As previously stated, everything changed from the moment of denying the 30k. They were getting carried away with the requests and I had to unplug the record player.

The tone of questioning I use, in my opionion, comes off as curiosity rather than accusatory. I could be wrong about my opinion, but I try to be very careful when asking a question. I do know how people can easily get defensive and shut down.

Not bragging, but I spent 15 years in the US working as a detective and I had to be very careful in the way I worded questions when interviewing someone.

As far as a "huge favor for me"......I felt like I was doing them a huge favor in providing funding for a new home. Their house was slowly being eaten by termites. I could have easily visited them once and decided to never return. Upon departing after my first visit, they were asking me not to forget them and to please return. I told them I would not forget them and that I would return.

You mentioned you gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant. That is something they paid for. I never met your gf's family and I already respect them. My Isaan relatives have never paid for anything. Not one thing. There's an expectation that I pay for everything and it has gotten old. I would feel a whole hell of a lot better if they simply paid for something. I'm a cheap date. I'm easy to please. I doesn't take much. Example: A cousin of mine took me to an ice-cream shop in town and bought me an ice-cream with money from her pocket. I was like...."far-out man,,cool,,,thanks dude!!" Halfway through my peanut covered chocolate ice-cream, she hit me up for B10,000. The second half of that ice-cream didn't taste very well. Paying for everything has made me feel used after a couple of years.

They never seem to say thank you.

I appreciate your post and I hope I covered all the bases.

Alright, well in that case I would like to revert back to my first reply in this thread as it does seem like they are a bunch of scoundrels!

One thing that confuses me though is this

Also, I'm the only one with AC and I know about how many units an AC uses per night.

Are you running AC when you are not there? Are you paying for the electric in both houses? Or are you just referring to the time when you stay there. Either way, I cannot imagine your electric bill is very big and therefore not much profit to be made from someone overcharging you 4 baht per unit, especially after you have just given them 1M baht for free!

[doontp]

Btw, is it possible that you were always expecting to be ripped off by your Isaan family but a lot of the things you think are scams are just misunderstandings by you? Like that electric rate, it could well be that your house is still on emergency rate as you have not registered it with the electric company (easy to find out by just checking the bill). Maybe your house did cost 200k more. The 30k for a building completion party does seem perfectly reasonable, my gf's cousin's was somewhere in the region of 150k.

The fact that they do not want to talk to you or answer your questions could just be because they feel like you are accusing them of being thieves when they have just been doing you a huge favour and helping you out by building a house for you (although you got two for the price you expected to get just one).

Isaan people are very different and I'm wrong all the time about them which my expectations and prejudices!

Going to restaurants and paying for everyone is also perfectly normal, I don't even notice it anymore as it is the done thing, except for when my parents came to visit us here and my gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant and threw a huge party which the whole village came to. I also look at it as being a way I can pay them back for everything they do for us here, my gf's dad does so much for us everyday and never asks or wants for anything, I don't work in their rice field like a Thai son in law would but I do drive them if they need to go anywhere and I pay for them eating out and occasionally some groceries from a bug supermarket. Its pretty much the least I can do.

A reason for my OP was to try and figure out if I'm just misunderstanding them and perhaps gain a new perspective. I care about my Isaan relatives, despite our mix-ups.

I would never "fully" expect anyone to rip me off after giving them a million baht. I also would not expect them to be fully honest either. I did not expect the dishonesty to be so blatant, to the point of making me feel somewhat like a fool. The original plan was to build one house and they would move into it. I simply wanted one bedroom for myself. There didn't seem to be any misunderstanding. My uncle's daughter speaks English very well. My uncle also speaks a little bit of English. I didn't want an entire house for myself. I think it's kind of stupid to have a house that sets empty for 50 weeks/year.

The 30k was not for a building completion party. My uncle's son got ordained as a monk and they wanted to have a party for him. I made it very clear from day one that I'm not a very religious person.

The fact that they do not want to talk much to me now is because they feel ashamed. A cousin of mine told me that my uncle feels ashamed about asking for money after I denied him 30k for the party. As previously stated, everything changed from the moment of denying the 30k. They were getting carried away with the requests and I had to unplug the record player.

The tone of questioning I use, in my opionion, comes off as curiosity rather than accusatory. I could be wrong about my opinion, but I try to be very careful when asking a question. I do know how people can easily get defensive and shut down.

Not bragging, but I spent 15 years in the US working as a detective and I had to be very careful in the way I worded questions when interviewing someone.

As far as a "huge favor for me"......I felt like I was doing them a huge favor in providing funding for a new home. Their house was slowly being eaten by termites. I could have easily visited them once and decided to never return. Upon departing after my first visit, they were asking me not to forget them and to please return. I told them I would not forget them and that I would return.

You mentioned you gf's family paid for an expensive restaurant. That is something they paid for. I never met your gf's family and I already respect them. My Isaan relatives have never paid for anything. Not one thing. There's an expectation that I pay for everything and it has gotten old. I would feel a whole hell of a lot better if they simply paid for something. I'm a cheap date. I'm easy to please. I doesn't take much. Example: A cousin of mine took me to an ice-cream shop in town and bought me an ice-cream with money from her pocket. I was like...."far-out man,,cool,,,thanks dude!!" Halfway through my peanut covered chocolate ice-cream, she hit me up for B10,000. The second half of that ice-cream didn't taste very well. Paying for everything has made me feel used after a couple of years.

They never seem to say thank you.

I appreciate your post and I hope I covered all the bases.

Alright, well in that case I would like to revert back to my first reply in this thread as it does seem like they are a bunch of scoundrels! http://www.thaivisa....25#entry5419803

One thing that confuses me though is this

Also, I'm the only one with AC and I know about how many units an AC uses per night.

Are you running AC when you are not there? Are you paying for the electric in both houses? Or are you just referring to the time when you stay there. Either way, I cannot imagine your electric bill is very big and therefore not much profit to be made from someone overcharging you 4 baht per unit, especially after you have just given them 1M baht for free!

No, I don't run ac when I'm not there and I don't pay the electric in both houses.

I am referring to the time when I stay there.

You're right...not much profit is made by overcharging. It's the principle of it all.

I find it to be very tacky. I stay 3 days and they tell me B1,000. I stay

7 days and they tell me the same.....10 days the same.

[Svengoolie]

Understand that YOU did not give one million Baht to your family. Rather, their good karma/merit allowed a "long lost relative" to suddenly appear and provide (through Buddha) enough money to build two new houses. Now, since they were bountiful, they must have a 30,000 Baht party to thank the gods, ghosts, nature spirits, etc for their good fortune. You see, everything in Thailand is based on power, blessing, karma, and face. You are now the provider for them, just as surely as their village has a protecting spirit and spirit house that they make offerings to. In the Thai cosmos, this is expected. Since you grew up in the USA, this is alien to you and you feel used. Maybe they are using you.... Ive been there myself. Do not look for a Western sense of family/love/understanding in Thailand. You will not find it. In a land where even the ghosts are scam artists (offended spirits demand Johnny Walker Red for non-existent offenses, just like the jet-ski crowd), be preparred for a lot of requests. Or cut your losses and run for your life. Chok Dee.

[mca]

A few years ago an acquaintance of mine from back home contacted me and said he'd got involved with a Thai girl in the UK and they were visiting her folks in Khon Kaen ( where I live ) and would I meet him and come with him as he'd never been to LOS before and was a bit nervous. I said OK and when he arrived we headed off right into the boonies.

When we arrived it seemed like the whole village was at the girl's parents house to give my pal the once over.

There was a woman on one of those motorcycle/sidecar combos selling luk chin and as we were a bit peckish we bought a couple each.

"180 baht" she said.

Assuming she thought we came down with the last rain shower I said " They're 5 baht each so that's 20 baht."

Nope.

Before we turned up a whole gaggle of locals had lined up for some greasy treats because " the farang will pay when he arrives."

I said to my rather shocked pal that it was up to him if he wanted to make a scene or bite the bullet and cough up because it was a sure bet I wasn't going to shell out for the cheeky buggers. He got no support from his girl as she was expecting him to pay too.

Grudgingly he paid up. But every cloud has a silver lining because when he returned to the UK he dumped her sorry arse.completely due to the fact that rather than back him up she expected him to stump up for the snacks.