The Animals

[anon21]

The Hamster Joke

A man takes his sick hamster, Cyril, to the vet. The vet says, "Sorry, old chap, but I can't do anything for him. I'll have to put him down."

The man takes the news very badly and begins to sob. He'd loved Cyril very much.

The vet takes pity on him and says, "Seems a shame just to bury him. You could turn him into jam instead, you know."

"Into jam?! My Cyril?"

"Yes. Everyone's doing it these days. Didn't you read about Madonna last week. That's what she did when her son's pet hamster died. It's all the rage with celebrities in London you know. Here's the recipe that was printed in The Times. Just boil him up with a pound of sugar."

The chap finds this a bit odd, but, being a Madonna fan, decides to give it a try. He makes the jam and tastes it, but it is so bad that he throws it out of the window and into the garden. The following morning he can’t believe his eyes when he sees a bed of roses in full bloom, growing in the spot where he’d thrown the jam. He phones the vet to tell him what has happened.

"Yes. You're right. It is strange. Usually you get (as he breaks into song) ... tulips from hamster jam."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, sorry mate. We don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk says, "Look, you stupid duck. I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed; we've never had duck feed; and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor."

The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says: "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to serve Queen and Country, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at Heathrow airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I've just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says: "10 pounds."

The guy says: "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?"

"Because he's a ****ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[rijb]

Croc feeds self to alligator.