New Immigration Program To Be First Field-Tested In Chiang Mai

[orang37]

A Thai friend who works in the Bangkok central Immigration Headquarters has confided in me, and given me his permission to leak (the news, that is) that, as of June 1st, this year, the Chiang Mai Immigration bureau will field-test a new program designed to deal with the "farang problem," which they are referring to covertly to at IHQ as "goo farang" (I would guess that's an internal code-name for an as yet not formally named program, but, I am not sure).

For those of you not familiar with Thai insults: the word "goo" is an extremely deprecatory personal pronoun which is an absolute face-breaker of the eighth-degree; if you were to use this in conversation, it could well get you immediately involved in mayhem. So, after reading this, be sure and forget you ever saw the word: "goo" !

The pilot-program's name is, obviously, a bi-cultural pun, on the English word "goo," which, of course, has many connotations. In this case, I believe the correct connotation is "sludge." Because the pilot-program's purpose is clearly to weed out the impecunious farangs who have attached themselves like lamprey suckerfish onto the body of Chiang Mai province, contributing relatively nothing to the Thai economy, and who are functionally illiterate in Thai culture's most basic ... formal, and informal ... norms, ethos, and codes-of-conduct which have evolved (as in all cultures) to lubricate the frictions, and reduce the stress, inherent in all human social life.

The program, my friend relates, has, as its centerpiece, a new form of documentation: which will essentially be the equivalent of what a driver's license is in most countries of the world, but this will be a "behavioral license" accompanied by a rigorous examination, of course, of all farangs' sources of income, marital status, status of possibly phony-baloney companies with ghost directors where the "official" permits leave the farang effectively in control of the usufruct of land, businesses, or houses, etc.

Among the behaviors to be evaluated, according to my friend, are such tell-tale signs of behavioral ignorance, and social undesirability as:

1. Not saying "Khrup," or "Kaa," with appropriate frequency depending on the relative social status of the person, or persons, the farang is talking with. This will identify both those who mis-pronounce the tones, those who use the honorific too infrequently, and those who use it too excessively.

2. Driving less than 30km. per hour over the stated, or implicit, roadway driving speed. Statistics have shown that a high-percentage of accidents involving farangs results from their driving too slowly, disrupting the flow-of-traffic, and confusing other Thais.

3. The ability to speak about one-hundred Thai phrases, commonly used in daily-life, clearly enough to be understood by a panel composed of a representative sample of Thais from all over Thailand who have passed Matayom 6, and are, economically, at least in the lower middle-class. This score will be "weighted" by consideration of the given farang's length of stay here: obviously someone who has lived here for over five years, and scores low on this test, will be have their score reduced by some exponential factor.

4. Another test (which my friend was embarrassed to talk about, and could only hint at) is evidently to be for male farangs, only, and involves the use of a penile plethysomograph for testing autonomic system erotogenic sensitivity to various images of types which you can well imagine. I tried to get my friend to be more specific about this, but the only thing he would disclose to me, reluctantly, was that one type of image used would be that of motorcycles with larger than 500cc. engines.

My friend told me that many other types of tests were also under consideration, which he could not talk about, and that some tests were the subject of intense debate between various advisory groups working with the designers of the pilot-program, which include Thai politicians (of course), Thai Academic Social Scientists, and (my friend whispered this part to me) representatives of certain intelligence agencies of friendly countries, as well as the DSI, and other publicly known institutions involved with Thailand's internal security.

But, my friend did comment that one group advocated a special class of exemptions from the required licensing, if farangs were more than two standard deviations above the mean in terms of wealth, external sources of income, investments in Thailand, etc.. For these people, this group proposes specially zoned areas to be called "Farang Heavens:" gated, secured facilities, complete with up-scale grocery stores, cinemas, shopping malls, etc., in which movements by farangs out of these zones will require special permits, or escort by trained, licensed, Thai guides.

I don't know why, but my friend's mentioning this idea made me think immediately of the Mee Chok Plaza area here, and its surrounding 'burbs: but, let me assure you the image of a certain area of Warsaw in WWII never crossed my mind.

I think this is a great idea, which has the same potential, for reducing Chiang Mai's (and the Nation's) social pollution, as the praiseworthy efforts of national and regional government here, this year, which has so effectively controlled wanton burning, and ensured the remarkable quality of the air we are breathing now.

~o:37;

[eyecatcher]

not even a plausible April fool joke.....it fell apart in the first paragraph

[Ricardo]

Isn't this merely a covert relaunch of the Thailand-Elte Card, but dropping the word 'elite', which is nowadays deemed offensive by the newly-risen red-elite ?

And as for reducing 'social pollution' in the North-West, might I suggest the same approach as with smoke pollution, the use of a high-pressure water hose, to spray areas where these undesireables congregate ? Or is this perhaps what Songkran has already become ?

[Rasseru]

Oh my God! Surely you jest?

[harrry]

Should be some test for those females who you see walking round airport plaza barking orders at the young girl balancing a white toddler on her hips walking the regulation 3 paces behind them at all times.

[hellodolly]

Should have included a personal appearance once a month at immigration with a detailed record of your expenditures.

[Thakkar]

I live in the 'farang' ghetto you obliquely speak of. My wife is invariably with me wherever I go. OMG! She's a secret government guide/minder just pretending to be my wife! No wonder she's always telling me how to drive and where to go and what to eat and what to buy!

T

Edited April 1, 2013 by Thakkar

[Mapguy]

[fcgprg]

April fools jokes are only done before mid day ,maybe that could be included in the test.

[Rasseru]

Still my all-time fave . . .

[orang37]

Sawasdee Khrup, Fellow Fools of April ("Kon ngoo Maesaayon" ?),

While I can't claim this video (family-safe, imho, as long as you warn your children not to imitate this) on YouTube was done as an April 1, joke, like Khun Rasseru's entertaining vid, I do think it would have been superbly appropriate for the day.

I would assume that the entire town (particularly the government, and the police), and everyone seen in the video, is "in on the game," since, in this "age of terrorism" I can imagine that such tomfoolery being enacted in public, in any town, would have brought SWAT teams, snipers, and drones, while smile-laugh-count would have been replaced by body-count.

yours, ~o:37;

p.s. what is this b.s. about April Fool's stunts having to be performed before noon ? That's certainly not traditional where I was bored.

[Thailand]

Sawasdee Khrup, Fellow Fools of April ("Kon ngoo Maesaayon" ?),

While I can't claim this video (family-safe, imho, as long as you warn your children not to imitate this) on YouTube was done as an April 1, joke, like Khun Rasseru's entertaining vid, I do think it would have been superbly appropriate for the day.

I would assume that the entire town (particularly the government, and the police), and everyone seen in the video, is "in on the game," since, in this "age of terrorism" I can imagine that such tomfoolery being enacted in public, in any town, would have brought SWAT teams, snipers, and drones, while smile-laugh-count would have been replaced by body-count.

yours, ~o:37;

p.s. what is this b.s. about April Fool's stunts having to be performed before noon ? That's certainly not traditional where I was bored.

Certainly where I come from it was /is only before noon.Anything after that the joke was/is on the original perpetrator.No joke!

[partington]

Not funny at all. Fail

[Rasseru]

p.s. what is this b.s. about April Fool's stunts having to be performed before noon ? That's certainly not traditional where I was bored.

Indeed. Note that the BBC spaghetti harvest documentary I posted above was broadcast in the evening. I can only suppose that the gentleman who made the morning only comment hales from a land with traditions that differ from those of the native English-speaking world.

[ianf]

April fools jokes are only done before mid day ,maybe that could be included in the test.

April fools jokes are only done before mid day ,maybe that could be included in the test.

April fools jokes are only done before mid day ,maybe that could be included in the test.

It was before midday in the UK. So that's ok.

[Rancid]

Should be some test for those females who you see walking round airport plaza barking orders at the young girl balancing a white toddler on her hips walking the regulation 3 paces behind them at all times.

Missionaries? Just teachin' the heathens some fear of God.

[Thailand]

p.s. what is this b.s. about April Fool's stunts having to be performed before noon ? That's certainly not traditional where I was bored.

Indeed. Note that the BBC spaghetti harvest documentary I posted above was broadcast in the evening. I can only suppose that the gentleman who made the morning only comment hales from a land with traditions that differ from those of the native English-speaking world.

http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-April-Fool's-Day

[Rasseru]

p.s. what is this b.s. about April Fool's stunts having to be performed before noon ? That's certainly not traditional where I was bored.

Indeed. Note that the BBC spaghetti harvest documentary I posted above was broadcast in the evening. I can only suppose that the gentleman who made the morning only comment hales from a land with traditions that differ from those of the native English-speaking world.

http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-April-Fool's-Day

Ah! Presented with such a perfect opportunity to use a somewhat young person expression, how can I refuse: That's so helpful . . . Not!

[BB1955]

I guess it just proves how bored some people can get .

[jbrain]

Not funny at all. Fail

Has the OP ever been remotely funny before ?

[naboo]

Not funny at all. Fail

Has the OP ever been remotely funny before ?

Regularly. Thank you Orang, although on opening the thread I was hoping for 90 day check in at the local police station.

[Thakkar]

Not funny at all. Fail

Has the OP ever been remotely funny before ?

Grow up you guys. Not everyone can write in the style of Archie comics to suit your tastes.

T

[Rasseru]

Not funny at all. Fail

Has the OP ever been remotely funny before ?

Occasionally he is, but more often, as here, he is closely, one might go so far as to say intimately, funny.

[Ticketmaster]

Obviously an April Fool's joke. But, nonetheless, the OP needs a Thai Language lesson. The OP coupled the words "goo farang," and said it was an insult. He/she went on to say,

'For those of you not familiar with Thai insults: the word "goo" is an extremely deprecatory personal pronoun which is an absolute face-breaker of the eighth-degree; if you were to use this in conversation, it could well get you immediately involved in mayhem. So, after reading this, be sure and forget you ever saw the word: "goo" !'

Okay, "goo" is a personal pronoun and it is extremely impolite, though often used jokingly between good friends. However, it is strictly a first person personal pronoun that, in English" replaces is "me" or "I." Thus, to be used with the word farang, one might say, "Goo bin farang," which means "I am a farang," and is a very rude way to say it. The word is never used to describe somebody in the second or third person.

Now, one might wonder, how can I use a first person personal pronoun referring to myself and, yet, insult the person to whom I am talking? This is simply one of the strange differences between English and Thai. You can use an insulting first person pronoun, but the insult it to the person to whom you are speaking. There is nothing like this in English. If you walked into immigration and said to the officer, "Phom bin farang, krup." He might smile and say something like, "Tell me something I did not know." However, if you were to say, "Goo bin farang," he would be very insulted and you would more than likely have problems.

The very fact that the OP says that his Thai friend in immigration referred to the farang problem, 'which they are referring to covertly to at IHQ as "goo farang,"' belies the fraudulent nature of his post. No Thai would ever use "goo" in that context. So, OP, you need to go back to the drawing board and get to work on next year's joke. Only, please, if you are going to use the Thai language, run it past a Thai first.

And sorry I did not even read your entire post. I was unable to get past your obvious misuse of the word, "goo."

[Rasseru]

'Now, one might wonder, how can I use a first person personal pronoun referring to myself and, yet, insult the person to whom I am talking? This is simply one of the strange differences between English and Thai. You can use an insulting first person pronoun, but the insult it to the person to whom you are speaking. There is nothing like this in English.'

Simply fascinating, Ticketmaster, and I am so glad you explained it. English, of course, offers about as limited a choice as possible in the area of personal pronouns, for all persons. I have been struck by this in comparison with Japanese, my other language besides English. Japanese has what seems at times like an endless number of personal pronouns. And, as apparently in Thai, one must be careful about using only proper ones, in relation to the situation and the people to whom one is speaking. As you describe here, the use of some first person pronouns -- and second person ones too, naturally -- can in some cases be quite insulting.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Rasseru

[Puwa]

ai mung

[Ticketmaster]

The Eskimos have 31 different words for "snow." I believe Arabic is much more descriptive of emotions that English. But for technological detail, I suspect that English is hard to beat. I am not very good with Thai, but when I observe the amount of dialogue that seems to have to pass for a matter that would take a five word query in English and a one word response, it am forced to think that Thai lacks any efficiency at all.

[fcgprg]

What time does the hilarity stop?.

In the uk and countries to whom the Brits have passed their way of celebrating April Fool's day on the japes tradionally cease at midday. The idea is that if you try to prank someone after 12pm,then you become the fool.

Extract from Metro news UK.

After 12 noon and you are the fool ,where I was (bored) or should that be BORN??.

[transam]

And many Thai English teachers l know cannot speak or understand English when faced with a native English guy.

[Rasseru]

And many Thai English teachers l know cannot speak or understand English when faced with a native English guy.

True of some other 'English teachers' too.