Second Marriage Dowry

[Soju]

If you're happy to pay a dowry and can afford it, then pay and be happy.

If you are unhappy about a dowry, don't pay it and move on. If you pay against your will you'll just get all bitter and twisted and spend hours per day typing cynical posts to internet forums.

In my experience, it's the guys that are living on a shoestring budget that complain the most, the better off guy's don't see a small ammount of $$$ being a big deal.

Well said. I think exactly the same way. Life is way too short and marriage way too important to ruin it over a few dollars that represents only a couple months' savings. In the end you will lose more than you save if by refusing to pay a dowry you upset your wife and/or her family to the point that your marriage is doomed from the start. To me it's being very penny-wise and pound-foolish to refuse to pay under any circumstances.

If the girl means so little to you that you refuse to part with your money for a dowry, then likely you will be very tightfisted with your money throughout your marriage and many Thai women and families will have a hard time respecting such a tightwad. That doesn't mean you should always give freely and never set any limits either. Be generous without being a pushover and you will make the family happy and get their respect. Of course it depends a lot on the family and certain people are just downright greedy and ungrateful and no amount of money will ever make them satisfied. If you're involved with a family like that, you need to think very carefully about every dollar you give them.

[britmaveric]

Conversely a bride must also follow farang customs as well, its a two way street the way I look at it. If the dosh means more to her then you, then that is a tell tale sign, trouble is afoot.

-Pay for wedding, have a smash up party - give a bit of gold to mum in law and be done with it. You'll end up helping her family down the road at any rate.

[Stephen Cleary]

If you're happy to pay a dowry and can afford it, then pay and be happy.

If you are unhappy about a dowry, don't pay it and move on. If you pay against your will you'll just get all bitter and twisted and spend hours per day typing cynical posts to internet forums.

In my experience, it's the guys that are living on a shoestring budget that complain the most, the better off guy's don't see a small ammount of $$$ being a big deal.

Well said. I think exactly the same way. Life is way too short and marriage way too important to ruin it over a few dollars that represents only a couple months' savings. In the end you will lose more than you save if by refusing to pay a dowry you upset your wife and/or her family to the point that your marriage is doomed from the start. To me it's being very penny-wise and pound-foolish to refuse to pay under any circumstances.

If the girl means so little to you that you refuse to part with your money for a dowry, then likely you will be very tightfisted with your money throughout your marriage and many Thai women and families will have a hard time respecting such a tightwad. That doesn't mean you should always give freely and never set any limits either. Be generous without being a pushover and you will make the family happy and get their respect. Of course it depends a lot on the family and certain people are just downright greedy and ungrateful and no amount of money will ever make them satisfied. If you're involved with a family like that, you need to think very carefully about every dollar you give them.

I already said a couple of pages back that there is no such phrase in the Thai language for 'a second dowry'

It doesn't exist in Thai culture but 'hai kiart' (explained already) does. Therefore i'd like to argue my point that the writer above knows nowt about Thai culture in this regard.

English people don't give a three pound tip to a barmaid in England (unlike say....America) and tourists who don't either are not classified as 'tightwads'!

If the parents of your girlfriend are asking you to pay a 'dowry' (sin sot) for their daughter whom has already been married/had kids, they are asking so, because they perhaps think their potential ex-son-in-law from Farangland is a gullible sucker who doesn't have a clue about Thai culture.

May as well have the words - 'I am a sucker' tattoed across ones forehead!

Thai culture is: You can give a sum if you wish, it is perfectly up to the giver.

Should you do so, do not go advising every other Farang to Thailand that they ought to do the same!

[Mobi]

Thai culture is: [/quote....

.......Get a dowry from a farang, if you can

And that's exactly the way it should be in my book

BTW Why didn't somone tell me not to tip the maids in England 3 quid? could've saved a fortune and put it in the wife's dowry

[mittheimp]

Perhaps Dowry's are more the custom in rural Thailand, just asked my wife now if i should have paid a dowry when we got married (something i never considered ) 3 years ago - she said she doesnt believe dowrys have featured in her family for years. So it is definately not the norm everywhere!

[BKK90210]

I agree. Hmm....must be mostly in rural area.

I have 2 thai friends, they both are university graduated. Their bridegrooms didn't have to pay anything except for the engagement ring and some gold/diamond bracelet for the brides during the engagement day. No money to the family at all. Oh....they also said according to the thai tradition the bride side has to pay for the wedding ceremony and the reception too. The groom only has to pay for whatever they will be living in and using during their life together....house, car or whatever!

They both are in BKK.

[ajarnmark]

second hand wife for sale. In good condition, normal traces of usage. Design: small, brown color. Power save function. Mute button defective. Buyer pays for postage, Seller takes the ebay fees.

Minimum bid: 1.5 USD

ST or LT

[Neeranam]

If the parents of your girlfriend are asking you to pay a 'dowry' (sin sot) for their daughter whom has already been married/had kids, they are asking so, because they perhaps think their potential ex-son-in-law from Farangland is a gullible sucker who doesn't have a clue about Thai culture.

Absolutely!

A woman with kids asking for a dowry SHOULD start the alarm bells ringing. ermm.gif

I can't believe some are so gullible to fall for this one.

Edited March 18, 2006 by Neeranam

[Maigo6]

You know, this forum has taught me a lot about Thailand, or some of the Farangs that choose to live in Thailand.

It seems that all the advantageous things in Thailand, we take as though it's our birthright, yet when we see a situation that would not agree with us or our wallets, we are outraged and defensive, cynical and scathing and immediatley accuse the situation of only existing to scam Farangs.

Same as the farang that gets pulled over by the cops, the farang will immediately be outraged, accusing Thai police of picking on him cos he's a Farang, the fact that 300 Thai guys got stopped at the same checkpoint seems to pass by the victimised Farang.

Like I've said before, Farangs are a Minority in Thailand, and therefore, like all minoritiy groups, we feel the system is out to get us, it ain't so lads, it's just us being ..well.........in a minority group.

Edited March 18, 2006 by Maigo6

[Noel]

Over ten years ago, I came very close to getting married in LOS, but it did not work out.

That’s a long story but regardless, the subject of a dowry was indirectly introduced by my future ex-wife-to-be’s sister.

She was bandying around sums in the ฿200,000 - ฿300,000 range, which at the time equated to $8,000 - $12,000.

I was totally unaware of the dowry system, but after a momentary panic attack I reconciled myself to the inevitably of having to pay.

However, before the subject was ‘formally’ raised, I did my own due diligence and was surprised but pleased at what I discovered.

The fact that my future ex-wife-to-be had been previously married and had a child essentially put an end to any further discussion on a dowry, or so I thought. I was reliably informed that a dowry was a once in a lifetime occurrence and so it would be inappropriate for a dowry to be expected for a second marriage.

That, however, was most certainly not the view of that money grubbing old witch of a future ex-mother-in-law-to-be.

Push came to shove and a family meeting was called. I knew the meeting was intended to negotiate the amount of dowry, as did my future ex-wife-to-be who knew my views, but we were summoned to attend and attend we did.

The meeting did not last long.

Suffice it to say, I cut the discussion short by making a simple statement. I told them that the actual amount was not an issue; I would pay the same amount that a Thai suitor would be expected to pay.

That caused the room to fall silent.

I then proceeded to tell them what they already knew: a dowry of any amount was inappropriate as my future ex-wife-to-be received a dowry when she married before.

I did however offer to pay for the wedding.

Their reaction was interesting. They were far from delighted, but there were no harsh words or tantrums, the attitude seemed to be: “Oh well, it was worth a try…”

Reading some of the posts above, it strikes me that it is no wonder the label ‘’Walking ATM’ is often applied to farang.

Comparison of the ‘trivial’ cost of a dowry to whatever in the West is totally irrelevant.

Paying money that is unwarranted just to keep the peace and satisfy people’s greed goes totally against the grain with me.

The simple fact of the matter in my view is that if a farang is expected to pay a dowry when no self-respecting Thai would be, then he is being conned by opportunistic predators.

What a shabby start to what should be a lifetime relationship based on love and trust.

[Bangkokjay]

Well i think a lot of people are talking out of there asses here or everyone that has paid a dowery hasn't left a post here.

As Trolley says if you are worried about a few thousand baht then you shouldn't be getting married anyway Thailand is a lot about face so paying a dowery whether you get it back or not is a big thing for your wife to be and her family. I have met people who have paid 1/2 - 1 million baht and yes i think they have been suckered.

But 200,000 bht is nothing 3k in English i went to a german guys wedding a few months ago who's wife stays in the same village as my Mrs he paid 200,000 and when speaking to him he says its the same custom in Germany to pay the brides family a dowery so it was no problem for him as its the same in his country.

But for us brits its harder for us to come to terms with this as its our custom the the brides father pays for the wedding etc. when possible. Myself also i have just married at the ampur so am legally married but havent had the ceramony yet as waiting for family members to come. But i have no problems in paying the 200,000 bht dowery. I don't like it but you have to look at it like its a 1 off payment it gives face for your wife and you and also the family in the villiage where she lives. Overall the total cost of the wedding is cheaper than in the UK

We have been together 2 1/2 years and in this time i have given about 12,000 to the family as i take care of there daughter and they are greatfull for this yes i buy beer, food etc when we go to her home. But my mrs understands i am not made of money and say no to some requests that have been asked for this has obviously passed this on to the family and never have any problems.

But back to the point i think there are a lot of sad posts on this topic if your wife isn't worth the dowery marry a farrang!!

[Mobi]

The subject of this forum is 'second marriage dowry'

To my knowledge, the situation that pertained in my case has not ben mentioned.

My wife had a common law marriage when she was very young to a poor Thai guy, against her family's wishes. There was no dowry paid and they ran away to the South of Thailand, where she had a baby boy. Usual story, the guy turned out to be a drunken womanising bastard, so she eventually had enough and left him and went back home to her family in Issan with the baby.

Many years later I come along, and after a year and a half's engagement, we get married. A dowry is requested, and paid. I have no problems with this. Any comments form the Thai culture experts?

Certainly in the wife's part of Thailand, dowries are the norm, and from what I understand, the prettier the girl, the more the dowry, on the basis that the pretty girls can attract a richer suiter. And this has nothing to do with farangs.

A couple of other comments:

What about the now widespread tradition of Farangs (and some rich Thais) building homes for their girl friends/wives/families in the home village. Thai culture? Gullible farangs? or what? Just about every farnang I know who has a long term relationship with an Issan girl, has either built or contributed to the family village home. Again the amounts involved compared to what we would pay back home are a pittance.

In nineteenth century England, dowries amongst the upper and upper- middle classes were common place. Indeed they became a rich source of material for a number of famous authors. This practise died out as the gap between rich and poor decreased, and no doubt , one day it will become an irrelevance in Thailand. In the meantime, when in Rome......

Edited March 18, 2006 by Mobi D'Ark

[jdinasia]

It looks like this topic is going to crop up periodically,

Yep, and for the benefit of newcomers we should give our experiences

My situation, i paid no dowry, as i wasn't asked for one. I only found out about the Sin Sod afterwards. Now, there are many variations of stories but a general rule of thumb is, if she has been married before (especially if she has kids) no dowry should really be asked for. However, if your loaded why not help out, upto you? The main thing is, to discuss it before hand. Some people don't pay one but send money monthly.

As for me and the mrs, we have 12.5 rai of land that is used for growing Mango, Man Sam Palang (spelling) and breeding fish. Her family can keep any profits that are made. Therefore, we still have the land to sell at a later date and saves having to send money. I think a better investment, for me anyways

It may just be me ........ But if you bought 12.5 Rai of land in your wife's name ... even with a lease for 30 years in your name. You have fulfilled the purpose of a dowry. You have assured her future and that of her kids should you die or bail out.

[jdinasia]

Best friend's sister (Thai ... wealthy family in Nakhon Nayok) beautiful, smart, well employed etc etc etc .... Marries man Thai (100% ethnic chinese--- rich rich rich)) Moves into his family compound. Dowry was immense! Dowry did not include the new mercedes etc that he bought her. First kid was born ..... gifts to the mother/baby would keep some of the farang in here in beer for a year! (each gift!)

Dowries are not just in use by peasants in isaan. They are a way of assuring that should something adverse happen the wife and kids are taken care of. (Do some upcountry leaches/parents grab ahold of the cash? sure! but the vast majority at least attempt to keep it for the wife and future kids ... some just roll it back into the couple if the form of house/furniture etc.

As for the real topic here ... never heard of a 2nd dowry being in place .. but I assume that significant gifts from husband to his wife/children on the birth of new children would be common. ((None of the Thai guys I know ... and some are on their third wives ... would marry a woman that had been married before))

Edited March 18, 2006 by jdinasia

[kkf123]

do you tell your farang friends and family that you are paying your wifes father to marry her?

[Mobi]

do you tell your farang friends and family that you are paying your wifes father to marry her?

In my case - the wife's mother - Dad was shot dead when wife was 8 years old.

I had a very extensive video and slide show of stills made up which I sent to all my family and friends in England. The footage, and photogtaphs shows the dowry very clearly laid out on the floor during the ceremony (money and gold) followed by some comical shots of Mum gathering it all up in a sheet and tossing it over her shoulder like a bundle of swag and walking upstairs with a big smile on her face. To make sure there wasn't any confusion amongst my relatives, I incorporated some text in the video and slide show stating that it was the dowry.

I am not ashamed of anything I've done in Thailand.

I'm happy, and my family in England are happy.

[kkf123]

That is great!

I dont think there is anything wrong with paying your wife's mother/father to marry their daughter, as long as you are willing to admit it yourself. Guys pass it off as "following tradition"... Um yeah, the tradition of paying your wife's father to marry her.

Just curious, do any of you guys expect your daughter's husband to pay you a dowry?

[Maigo6]

I dont think there is anything wrong with paying your wife's mother/father to marry their daughter, as long as you are willing to admit it yourself.

There ya go Mobi, now you can sleep easy tonight. It must be very rewarding to have the blessing of yet another Thai cultural expert.

[Maigo6]

Just curious, do any of you guys expect your daughter's husband to pay you a dowry?

I would yes. Why break with tradition, when in Rome..........................

[louse1953]

A lot of guys here get all worked up about the dowry issue for no good reason in my opinion.

Plenty of Thais guys pay dowries so it is a custom for some sectors of Thai society.

If you have problem with this notion or think that you are buying a bride i think you just don't understand or are unwilling to adopt a little bit to your partners culture. This could spell bigger problems down the track. If you want all the good things that come with Thai women you have to sometimes accept some things that you may not necessarily agree with.

What part of western culture do the accept.Non,in my experience,have to "ram" farang food down their throat before they try it,sometimes they actually enjoy it.Not the ramming part though.

[metisdead]

Why resurrect a 6 year old topic?

CLOSED