The Most Useless Restaurant Review Ever........

[theblether]

The Most Useless Restaurant Review Ever........and I admit it.

I was at a restaurant last night and I don't know it's name. I don't even know the name of the street that it's on but you should be able to find it easy enough. It's on that road that crosses between the road to Hang Dong and Canal Road, quite close to the Night Safari. The landmark on the road is the Windmills restaurant but obviously I didn't go there because I know what it's called.

Go past the Windmills on the left then at the next switchback come back on yourself, about a hundred metres down the road there's a new build modern style high glass window restaurant. It's been open for two months. There's a good sized enclosed air conditioned area inside, as well as three outdoor terraces. We sat inside.

Follow me here, the place has a slightly shambolic aspect to it, I get the impression that the staff are not highly trained, a bit on the young side and inexperienced. I've never had to hold my glass up for a refill before in a Thai restaurant and my lady Mercedes Girl ended up giving them a hard time about it.

I was with three Thai ladies which was handy because the menu was in Thai only. Not that it would have made a difference because when your outnumbered by Thai ladies in a restaurant you'll not get a say in what's getting ordered anyway. I did mention I would like steamed fish and lo and behold, it appeared. I can't tell you what it tasted like because the Thai females wolfed it. I don't like them any more.

They did allow me to taste the sauce it came in and it was superbly sour and sharp. I wish I was allowed to taste the fish. On the bright side they also ordered fried fish and it was easily the best fried fish I've had in Thailand. Several other dishes turned up which are a mystery to me, no one bothered to tell me what they were called. There was a soup thing with squid in it, a mango salad thingy, a noodle dish of some sort, and that ultra deep fried catfish that looks like cotton wool. There was a lot more but don't ask me what they were, I haven't a clue.

Apparently the ladies ordered a lot of Thai Northern food, the girl went to the kitchen, came back and said that although the Thai Northern food was on the menu, they didn't have a chef yet that could cook it so we would have to wait till next month to try it. That's a long time to wait for your dinner. That's why we ended up with all this other stuff I don't know the name of anyway. See what I mean about the place being a bit shambolic?

Right, let me get to the point. The food, every dish, was superb. It wasn't just me that thought that, it was the three Thai ladies who really know what they are talking about when it comes to food. They couldn't believe it. Superb food. My farang friend who was also with us said the same and he's been coming to Thailand for 40 years and knows what he's talking about. Unlike me obviously.

So if you would like a trip into the unknown, go down to the big new glass fronted restaurant in a road I can't name near the Windmills. Make sure you have a Thai speaker with you and don't bother ordering Northern food.

Oh, and if you can come back here and tell me what the place is called that would be good.

Oh, and don't tell Junglechef about this review cos he'll go mad at how useless it is. I'm a bit scared of him.

Just sayin'

[maanoi]

Is that the seafood place with the red sign? Possibly thai chinese?

If it is, i concur the food there is amazing. Not the cheapest. Cost me 1200baht for 2 people (4 dishes)

Sent from my GT-I9300 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[elektrified]

Right. And don't ever go to a restaurant with "3 Thai ladies" as no doubt you will get stuck with the bill and they will order endless dishes and end up eating only 1/2 of it.

[theblether]

Hmmm.....not sure if it's the seafood place, if I get a chance I'll go back down and take a photo of it.

@elektrified I know you'll think this is a work of fiction, but not only did they clear the plate of every morsel, even down to pouring the last of the sauce out of the fish into soup bowls, they insisted on paying their share.

Setting aside the food, I think we had 6 large beers as well. The bill was presented to my fellow farang, that's because he's a lot older than me and looks more distinguished, ( though I'm easily more handsome ) and the bill came to 1400 baht. We both couldn't believe it. We both threw in 800 baht each then had a battle royal on our hands as the Thai ladies insisted, and I mean insisted, on paying their share.

My pal put up a valiant resistance, with me muttering below my breath, " take the *ffin money", but eventually crumbled. It wasn't the money I was after, I knew the fact that Thai ladies paid their share would cause some controversy on Thaivisa. To me that was worth it in itself

[LawrenceChee]

Hahahahhaha

Drive past the Chinese seafood restaurant and the windmill restaurant ...and you will approach the turn left for Mia Hei Mkt at the junction

Don't turn left at the junction but do a u-turn and the first grey building is the restaurant ...it has a ship logo to it and a Thai name so I don't know the name as well

I ate that last week and agree it is really good and not too expensive

They have a band playing and 2 attractive waitress or beer girls ...friendly but slow but who can fault pretty girls when they are slow

So good distraction for a night out

[theblether]

That's the very place Lawrence

They had a lovely Heineken girl serving outside, which greatly dismayed me. I was trying to encourage her inside, I even offered to buy a Heineken Tower safe in the knowledge that this exotic lovely would feel compelled to serve me. Sadly there were no towers available. Drat and double drat.

In a fit of pique I ordered Singha instead, that showed her who was boss.

On the subject of restaurants that have no name ( well English name anyway ), the restaurant at the entrance to the Promenada is excellent. ( that's the San Khampaeng road entrance side ). It's English name is Ratree something. It's got one of those multi syllable Thai names that they make up to embarrass us when we try to pronounce them.

The food there is excellent, there's a jazz element to the live music, and the service is superb. It doesn't really get going until 9.00pm and it's open till 2.00am. It's moderately priced, not cheap, not expensive. I find the ambience, the food and the service to be first class.

The trick in these places is to invite the beer girls to drink with you, you can get a good laugh with them and the occasional photo op.......like this.

That girl is called Fon, she has a cracking bubbly personality and I'm now Asahi's best customer. That technique of hiring Pretty Girl's to sell beer is unfair, I can't resist.

Anyway a commotion ensued when two young ladies dressed as devils came in to sell their wares. I asked Fon what they were doing and she thought deeply and said......." do you like chicken lick"?

"I'm not sure" says I, wondering if this was some previously unknown Thai perversion.

I sat there for a moment picturing myself running around a yard a la Rocky, and on eventually catching the hen giving it a good lick. I couldn't see how that was enjoyable. Then I thought to myself that maybe the chicken was dead already, and so I had a vision of Thai men furtively sneaking around the butchery department waiting their chance, grabbing a naked 4 pound chicken and giving it a good going over with their tongue. An image I'm trying to get rid of to be fair.

Anyway, I snapped back into real life, when Fon said, "You can get chicken lick in your mouth, I like it very much"

A whole new set of images appeared, unsuitable for this channel.

"Oh really" I said.

"Yes, girl can do, only 100 baht"........at this point I'm picturing a stampede of Thaivisa members to the premises.......

The ladies appeared at the table.......Fon said Khun theblether would like Chicken Lick

"Awww very good Khun theblether, tonight special promotion, you can get Chicken Lick for free"......

"What now? where? here?" my mind racing through the possibilities. I know Thailand is man heaven but surely I'm not going to get a free Chicken Lick by two devilish ladies in the middle of the restaurant........

"Yes here, and now" said Devil number one.......now I'm staring to feel the pressure.......performing under pressure is not my strong point.......

"What flavour would you like, orange? strawberry?" and she offered me a condom size box. I looked at it in a state of stunned disbelief......even more so when I opened it and this appeared....

"This can't be happening" I thought to myself.......I'm now looking for the Candid Camera.......

Fon giggled and said.......you want to try Chicken Lick now? .........

You know that way when you go through life with a wee touch of swagger, thinking you can handle anything? Then something out of the blue pops up and knocks you sideways? That's how I felt now......I've got the wrapper in my hand, and three lovelies wanting me to try a Chicken Lick right now.

"yes, you can have for free"..........that's it, I can't take any more of this, I'm ready to pass out being offered a free Chicken Lick. Here, now, In the middle of the restaurant. .......by these ladies........

"You can open now Khun theblether, you can Chicken Lick now"..........

At which point Devil number two said in perfect English......."why are you calling it Chicken Lick? It's chewing gum".

I have never felt so relieved in my life, chicken lick, chewing gum.......I get it.

Sometimes having a fertile imagination is bad for you.

Just sayin'

[WitawatWatawit]

You're a fool. Looking at those ladies, You should have followed your instincts from the start. You'd have boasting rights on TV for the next year - and be our hero.

[junglechef]

Loved the restaurant review! Honest, informative (well at least in a vague kind of sort of way) but most importantly a good amusing read. Don't worry about the anal foodie stuff, I'm happy to provide that service !

[KRS1]

LOL...Chicklets !

[onthedarkside]

Time to step in and remove the last 4 troll posts. Time to close this troll topic.