Golf Jokes

[terrymor66]

A Gentleman and his wife were out for a nice day of golfing. On the 16th hole the man duck hooked his ball landing in front of a barn. He carefully studied all of his options and asked his wife if she would hold open the barn door and he would be able to hit though. She happily obliged him. He hit his ball, which ricoheted off the inside of the barn and came flying back out, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead.

About four months later he decided to hit the links again with a buddy of his. As they teed off from the 16th, his buddy duck hooked and landed right in front of the same barn. After careful consideration, his buddy said " Ya know if you hold that barn door open I think I can hit straight through" The old man just looked at him and shook his head, then said" I tried that same shot 4 months ago, you don't want to do that, I ended up with a triple bogey !"

[Jai Dee]

At dawn, the telephone rings...

"Hello, Señor Lucky ? This is Ernesto... the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh... I'm just calling to advise you, Señor, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition ?"

"Si, Señor... that's the one."

"D@mn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Señor."

"Rotten meat? Who the hel_l fed the parrot rotten meat ?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of your dead horse !"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?!"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Señor Lucky. He died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor !"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the...!! There's electricity at the house!! What was the hel_l was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Señor... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief.

So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit !"

[svenivan]

He is on his first round of golf in Thailand and after 18 he is very happy with a 2 over par.

But when he gets his scorecard from the caddie he has a 70, two under par!

"But I had a 74, two over par! " he tells the caddie.

The caddie only smiles and says: "My pen lie!"

[Thumchok]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW

>> into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

>> The pump attendant, knowing nothing about golf, greets

>> him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of

>> who the golfing supremo is.

>> "Top of the mornin' to yer, sor" says the attendant.

>> Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick

>> up the nozzle.

>> As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket

>> onto the ground.

>> "What are those?" asks the attendant.

>>

>> "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

>> "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the

>> irishman.

>> "They are for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says

>>Tiger.

>>

>> "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman.

>>

>> BMW tinks of every think......"

[Jai Dee]

A man entered a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful {you guessed it} blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[farangsay]

Bob decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch.

While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

Bob offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit.

He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," replied Bob.

Phil just shook his head at Bob and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Bob asked "what's wrong?"

Phil replies "It's a small, small world Bob, and you're fired"

[Jai Dee]

Willie is attending a business conference in Kenya. He has a free day and wants to play some golf.

The hotel concierge directs him to a newly constructed exclusive course in the nearby jungle. After a short trip in his rental car, Willie arrives at the course and asks the Professional if he can get on.

"Sure," the pro says, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he's a 20-handicapper, Willie decides to cut it a wee bit. "Well, it's 16, but what difference does it make since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," says the pro, who then calls a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," says the pro. "His handicap is 16".

Willie is very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picks up his golf bag and a large rifle. Again, Willie is surprised but decides to ask no questions.

They arrive at the first hole, a par-4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," says the caddy. Needless to say, Willie duck-hooks his drive into the trees. He finds his ball after some looking and is about to punch it out to the fairway when he hears the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake from the tree above his head falls dead at his feet. The caddy stands next to him with the smoking rifle in his hand.

"That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You are very lucky I was here with you." After taking a shaky bogey, they move to the second hole, a par-5.

"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, Willie's ball goes straight into the bushes. As he goes to pick up his ball, he hears once more the loud crack of the caddy's rifle and a huge lion falls dead just to his right. "I've saved your life again," says thecaddy.

The third hole is a par-3, over a lake in front of the green. Willie's ball comes up just short in the fringe, and with backspin, rolls back to the edge of the water. To make the shot, he has to stand with one foot in the lake. As he's about to swing, a large crocodile emerges from the water and bites off much of his right leg!

As he falls to the ground bleeding profusely and in excruciating pain, Willie sees the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcerned.

"Why didn't you kill it?" shouts Willie, writhing in agony.

"I'm sorry, sir," says the caddy, "This hole is Stroke Index 17. You don't get a shot here."

[curber]

Bill.John & Bob, three middle aged club members go out for a round and the pro shop asks if a sexy young blonde girl can join them...she tells them she isn`t much of a golfer and doesn`t want to slow them up.The three talk it over and agree her good looks make up for any lack of ability.They help her out over the round.helping her find her lost balls giving advice and just having fun.They get to the 18th green and she has a 12 footer...she looks at it from every angle ...after altogether too much time the guys suggest she should hurry it up.She informs them this will be her first round under 100 and she will blow the one that helps her make the putt .Bill gets down takes a good look.and says ..1 inch right and firm....John says no..no ..no 2 inches left hole weight....Bob walks over picks up the ball and says ..it`s a gimme.

[tgeezer]

Two older members catch up and join a single player who is new to the game, they play three holes with delays while the singleton sprays his shots all over the place. Finally on the 17th after hitting a three off the tee after a shot OB the novice announces" do you know I 've lost fifteen balls today?" " I know just how you feel" the elder of the two repies, "I lost one in 1999".

[thai20010]

I enjoyed reading these golf jokes......... Another one please!!!!!!

[loytoy]

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment - normally, one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as is necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the whole course being played, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring along rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed to find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player

[Jai Dee]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,"How does that feel"?

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hel_l!"

[racefan]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" asked Mother Superior.

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began To fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, Mother. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior.

"Oh no, Mother. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ######ing putt, didn't you?"

[Bentley 7]

A lady walks into her doctors office and exclaims that she was stung by a bee whilst playing golf

the doctor asks where?

she says between the first and the second hole

the doctor jumps to his feet and screams :

My god woman how wide is your stance?

[Dudley23]

Real Golf

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

[Jai Dee]

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice.

The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face.

He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"

"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."

[skipvice]

Benefits of Golfing

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead? "

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[svenivan]

At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Absolutely wonderful!

1

( I had to get this up to top again.....)

[midasthailand]

So there's this young Aussie playing his first tounament as a Pro and after three rounds he's leader by three and he goes into the clubhouse with his playing partners for a drink. As he walks in he spots a gorgeous blonde sitting alone in the corner. Anyway he's having a drink and a chat when the blonde comes over and asks "aren't you the young Aussie that's leading the tounament?" "Yep" he says, "well why are you sitting here when you could be up in my room making love to me?" With that, the young bloke excuses himself and follows the blonde to her room.

They get naked and get down to it and when he's finished he starts to get out of bed and she says "what are you doing?", he says "I'm going to ring room service and get some champagne sent up with some flowers and food" she says "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't leave a lady after one romp", so he thinks to himself, "I'm not going to be outdone by Jack Nicklaus" and hops back into bed to give the lady a second helping.

He finishes and gets out of bed and she says "what are you doing", he says "I'm calling room service for champagne, flowers and food" she says "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't leave a lady after only two" so the young Aussie gets back into bed and gives it to her again, he stumbles out of bed and she says "what are you doing?" He says "I'm ringing room service for food and champagne I'm hungry", she says "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't leave a lady after only three" The young Aussie, getting rather weary now, nonetheless gets back into bed and makes love to her again, having finished he stumbles from the bed and starts towards the phone when she asks "what are you doing?" to which he replies.....

I'm going to call Jack Nicklaus to find out what the par for this hole is!!

[CalicoConsulting]

A woman is out golfing when she gets stung by a bee, so she goes to the clubhouse and finds a doctor.

"Where did the bee sting you?" he asks.

"Between the first and second hole."

"Lady, your stance is too wide."

[Jai Dee]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun , 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Jai Dee]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? .. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way"

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; .... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she opens her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!"

[CalicoConsulting]

Two gay lawyers are out playing golf when a ball comes flying over from another hole and pops one right on the noggin. He falls down.

The second gay lawyer storms over to the culprit and says, "You hit my friend, and we're lawyers, and we'll sue the pants off you."

"Oh yeah?" the guilty guy replies. "Well, you can just kiss my ass! And your friend over there can just suck my dick!"

The gay lawyer returns to his friend.

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"He wants to settle out of court."

[chuckd]

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud!!

[BossHogg]

im told this is true story. very British....

A man playing in a monthly medal scores a two on a par 5. After the usual drinks in the club house he asks the secretary if any special mention will be made of this great achievment on the clubs honours boards, to which he is told sadly no.

Some time passes and the guy is still wondering why he has not recieved any offical acknowledgement for his albatross which ,after all ,is rather impressive so he decides to write to the R&A. pointing out that a hole in one is respected as a perfect shot yet he in fact has hit two perfect shots to score a 2 on a par 5 yet has not recieved any acknowledgment at all. He asks why a two on a par 5 is not praised as highly as it should be? He has after all hit two perfect shots?why is a hole in one better than a two on a par five? why should a hole in one recieve such awards and praise yet his albatross two is not recognised? it seems extremely unfair!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two weeks later he recieved a reply from the R&A as follows ;

" Dear sir,

Thankyou for your recent letter concerning your albatross two and congratulations. The points you have raised reference the acknowledgement of a two on a par five have been recieved and brought to the attention of the commitee.

the commitee have considered this and have come to an agreed opnion and decision. That decision, sir, is that you did not have a hole in one.............kind regards etc

[Chris Lawrence]

Bob is nearly 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife Anne. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

Anne sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Bob. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

" Sure did !"

"Where did it go then?" says Bob.

"I can't remember".

[Jai Dee]

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are you doing with those?"

He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

[chuckd]

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular. Your name is synonymous with the game of golf and you really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8 iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft 7 and pray."

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you Father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

-------------------------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron, standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times. Just put me down for a five."

------------------------------------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

[Jai Dee]

My caddy is a real smart@rse. Here are ten examples of what I mean...

# 10 -- Me: ' I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.'

Caddy: 'You think you can keep your head down that long?'

# 9 -- Me: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.'

Caddy: 'Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.'

# 8 -- Me: 'Do you think my game is improving?'

Caddy: 'Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.'

# 7 -- Me: 'Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?'

Caddy: 'Eventually.'

# 6 -- Me: 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.'

Caddy: 'I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.'

# 5 -- Me: 'Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.'

Caddy: 'It's not a watch - it's a compass.'

# 4 -- Me: 'How do you like my game?'

Caddy: 'Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.'

# 3 -- Me: 'Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?'

Caddy: 'The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.'

# 2 -- Me: 'This is the worst course I've ever played on.'

Caddy: 'This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.'

And the most disrespectful comment...

Me: 'That can't be my ball, it's too old.'

Caddy: 'It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.'

[pumpuiman]

Why did the golfer hold a one iron over his head during the lightning storm?

Even God can't hit a one iron.