Is this a real relationship or have I bought a girlfriend?

[Sigurris]

So here is the story, all true and no embellishments. She is 30 and I am 55. We meet on the internet at the end of June and click.

She speaks very little English but my Thai is reasonable so we can communicate. She works in a hotel 6 days a week, often with 12 hour shifts, for which she gets 8,000 baht a month.

She tells me she has saved up for an English course which starts in mid August. She will now study English 3 hours a morning Monday to Friday and work. She is doing this so she can get a better job.

She has a room near her work but starts staying at mine more and more. Because of her hours it is starting to cost her more to go to work than she earns. Up to now I have not given her one baht. So I suggest that she gives up her job and moves in with me. She is reluctant to do that as she wants to work so that she has money.

I explain that her money goes on travel. So I now suggest giving her 2,000 baht a week in leiu of her wages which she uses for lunches and the song teaw fares. All other expenses I pay. This has been going on for 6 weeks now. Also in a fit of drunken generosity I sent her parents 5,000 baht yesterday. She didn’t ask for this but I know she struggles to send money home.

She could probably get a job near to my home now but I prefer she continues learning English and uses her free time to do her homework and improve her English. I have to say she is diligent and is improving to the extent that we are now speaking English 50% of the time.

When she finishes the course then she will go back to work and until then I am happy to fund her. I think I have found a gem, she makes me happy and seems to be happy as well.

So why am I throwing this out there? I am interested to hear what the community think. Have I bought a girlfriend (albeit cheaply) and, therefore, am just another sad deluded sexpat? Or does this mutually beneficial arrangement meet the criteria of a proper relationship?

BTW I know the answer.

[inzman]

Sounds good to me.

Edited September 4, 2014 by inzman

[alfieconn]

I wouldn't worry what others think, just do what makes you happy !

Footnote : if you had a girlfriend in your home country who was studying and therefore didn't have too much money, would you help her financially ?

Edited September 4, 2014 by alfieconn

[mesquite]

You're helping her out. The only mistake so far as I see it was sending the parents the money.

[GuestHouse]

You met a woman who was working and keeping herself, perhaps in meager circumstances but nevertheless she was independent.

You've encouraged her to become financially dependent upon you.

It will not end well and she will eventually despise you for the financial control you have over her.

[cornishcarlos]

8000 baht a month in a hotel..??

Where is this hotel because that is a very poor wage for a hotel. Plus they normally get monthly service charge bonus !!

Nothing wrong with giving her money for transport and lunch, it's what anyone should do to help their partner out.

Good luck for a happy future together

[benalibina]

You met a woman who was working and keeping herself, perhaps in meager circumstances but nevertheless she was independent.

You've encouraged her to become financially dependent upon you.

It will not end well and she will eventually despise you for the financial control you have over her.

On your last sentence...OP better teaches her some introspection quickly.

[Aree Wongwanlee]

Sounds good to me. While it lasts. Just take it one day at a time. Especially when there are not that many days left to count.

[pgrahmm]

It depends on what you & her wish to see as a future together......compatibility is a rare commodity and if coupled with someone that just wants the best for you for the good of the relationship while planning the future you have struck gold.....

The commnication now is critical as to what is really happening between you.....and what you share as wanting both as individuals and together.....it sounds like she is someone who applied herself to doing the right things in life and avoided the obvious lazy way/shortcuts to make a living.....

If you click on all those points the future looks rosy......

[AhFarangJa]

Seems to me that you have the beginnings of a mutually trustworthy and happy relationship. Communication is the main sticking point with a lot of guys, and you are both working to improve that. I sincerely hope it carries on as it has started. someone posted earlier that even in your own country you may find a girl, then end up helping her to do better in life, why should it be different just because it is Thailand? As you say, you already know the answer.

I for one wish you both all the best in the future.

[Cuddlycat]

8000 baht a month in a hotel..??

Where is this hotel because that is a very poor wage for a hotel. Plus they normally get monthly service charge bonus !!

Nothing wrong with giving her money for transport and lunch, it's what anyone should do to help their partner out.

Good luck for a happy future together

If I was right, most hotel does not offer high income. As it the end of the month they will share "service change" which actually pretty good in high season.

[kandi]

8000 baht a month in a hotel..??

Where is this hotel because that is a very poor wage for a hotel. Plus they normally get monthly service charge bonus !!

Nothing wrong with giving her money for transport and lunch, it's what anyone should do to help their partner out.

Good luck for a happy future together

Let me guess: This "helping out" only works in one direction, right? Edited September 4, 2014 by kandi

[Cuddlycat]

To OP

Do what you think is right. Follow your heart. Only time can tell no matter which nationally your mate is. Give it time.

When you give your best for whatever you do, you certainly not the one who regrets. If it does not turn to what you expect in the further, at least you had learn something.

Good luck

[kjhbigv]

Sounds ok to me. Just go with the flow and just watch out for any unexpected demands for a lump of cash....that's when alarm bells should ring!

One very big plus point is that she has a normal job and is well, normal!

Apart from that.... all sounds good so far.... get to know each other and build up trust and respect for each other....they are not all bad you know!

Edited September 4, 2014 by kjhbigv

[Costas2008]

After reading all the comments, I'm proud to be a member of this forum.

Well done, people, please keep it up.

OP, you've done very well.

Wish you all the Best, for the future with your g/f.

[Cuddlycat]

After reading all the comments, I'm proud to be a member of this forum.

Well done, people, please keep it up.

OP, you've done very well.

Wish you all the Best, for the future with your g/f.

Happy to hear what you said, I am happy to be a member here as well.

[lapd]

I suggest you get the book Thai Fever. It's for Thai-Farang couples that discusses the cultural differences. Written in English and Thai.

http://thailandfever.com/book_intro.html

One of the key points in that book that stuck with me is that Thais (and perhaps Asians in general) don't separate money and affection. They are interlinked. So by paying her and her family you are showing your affection. In the west it not like that which is why that sort of financial arrangement is often views as an insincere relationtionship based on material things.

I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. Often times it can be an insincere arrangement of convenience under the guise of this cultural thing. Of course the guys always want to believe it's sincere and there are no shortage of stories of how wrong that can often be.

Edited September 4, 2014 by lapd

[Tham1]

Sounds healthy to me, She sounds like a hard working lady - nice that you can help her out. Also nice that She wants to work.

good luck

[Sigurris]

Wow. Thank you to everyone who have wished us luck. I was expecting a 50/50 split between the good and the bad.

I suppose I have made her dependent on me but if we are to stay together that is, inevitably going to be part of it as I earn in a month what she earns in a year. And my lifestyle is one that she will grow accustomed to. However her determination to master English and get her dream job (in a pharmacy) tell me that she will have a measure of independence.

She has never asked me for anything for herself or her parents (she doesn't have children) and will often go to the market on her way home to buy food, fruit etc from her money. Never asking for it to be repaid. She is clean and tidy and is always pushing me to teach her to cook farang food so that she can cook for me.

It just shows that they are out there guys. How do you know when you have found a gem? That I don't know but time is the thing. Or is she playing the long game some of you will be thinking. If she is I will find out sometime and let you know. Otherwise I am enjoying the ride. And after the psychotic, insecure, jealous nutcase I had before, this is heaven. No stupid jealousy, sulking or walking on eggshells.

[cornishcarlos]

8000 baht a month in a hotel..??

Where is this hotel because that is a very poor wage for a hotel. Plus they normally get monthly service charge bonus !!

Nothing wrong with giving her money for transport and lunch, it's what anyone should do to help their partner out.

Good luck for a happy future together

Let me guess: This "helping out" only works in one direction, right?

Maybe for you..!

[jcisco]

What you did is exactly the wrong lesson to do for someone... Oh Nevermind going to work mooch of me yada yada blah blah, another decent girl at risk of being broken.

Pants the Great Wall

[howerde]

At 55 if you could get a GF of 30 in your own country, then there might be hope, you already know the answer.

[Aussieroaming]

If you are happy then who cares what someone else thinks...bravo and keep it up

[canman]

To make a fully informed comment i would need to see some pictures

[slipperylobster]

Thais (and perhaps Asians in general) don't separate money and affection.

I love you one hundred dollar

anyway OP....enjoy. You are not paying more than anyone else.

only thing is...she spends a lot of hours at work....for 8000. And 3 hours additionally? I wonder about all the time out and about.

Edited September 4, 2014 by slipperylobster

[96tehtarp]

"She works in a hotel 6 days a week, often with 12 hour shifts, for which she gets 8,000 baht a month.

<snip>

Because of her hours it is starting to cost her more to go to work than she earns."

It sounds like you have found a nice lady. The two quoted snippets above are the main problem and I think you already see that. 1.) The salary is too low. 2). She's paying too much for transport.

She should ask for a raise, or find another job nearer to you. She should look for another job now because it would be difficult to find a salary lower than what she's receiving at her current job.

Look into why she is spending nearly 8000 baht per month on transport. There must be a better and less expensive option for her. On an 8000 baht monthly salary living alone she wouldn't have much left after rent, food, transports and utilities even if you were not in the picture.

She already has a work ethic and I would be reluctant to try and get her into a situation where you are her sole means of support. Later on if your relationship with her starts to stagnate it will make it more difficult for her to move on if she decides to do that.

In the end, do whatever you want. That's what everyone does anyway.

The problem with giving money to parents is it is often not received as well as giving things. Going to Big C or Tesco-Lotus and filling up 3 carts full of everyday usable stuff might be better received next time around.

[Sigurris]

I think I was not clear in my original post. Because she started staying with me (I live in the far end of Jomtien) it was costing her much more with motorbike taxis to get to me. Originally she had a room by the hotel. So I got her to give up her job and concentrate on learning English. To compensate I now give her 2,000 baht a week so that she has some independence financially and doesn't need to ask me for money for lunch and song teaws and all the bits that women buy. So she is slightly better off that her previous badly paid job and has the time to spend with me and do her studying. She wins and I get to spend time with her so I win.

[JDGRUEN]

OP ... I think it is great that you have found someone you feel the need to care for her some and vice vesa - never mind the money think... Thai women who work 12 shifts do not even have time to think outside the box ... And regardless of other comments - while keeping your head about things ... have a good time.

Here are a couple things offered as something to think about - and not as criticism...

I have courted a number of Thai women in similar fashion ... not as much money spent but still quite similar - one thing I did notice was this story about just learning English - then they move ahead quite well with English advancing nearly every day. Some gals who know more English than you realize or are told -- do in fact know quite a bit of English - learned from another Farang or in bars... They simply do not want you to know or to think that they have had a Farang boyfriend before or in bars so they fake it for many weeks - learning English at a much faster rate than you can learn Thai... Actually there may be nothing worse than she did have a Farang boyfriend - so big deal. Or that she did work in a bar. I have met bar maids in small towns who did not turn tricks... So - you just might let her know that her past is the past --- and same with you ... you too are together now ... and now is what counts ... But getting the full story (both stories) out could make for a better future ...

One other thing ... (If it is not too late about her working at all) - at some point, If she is actually in earnest - finding just the right job with a bit of a future to it could mean starting at the near bottom ... And your support could allow at some point in time for her to get a starter position in a good job field -something she may not have even thought was possible... Or you could send her for training in some specialty that will lead to better things... Maybe do so traveling and talk about these things - but help her to have a few dreams of the future...

And as always in Thailand - keep a watch out for her going sideways on you... but don't get into being a control freak.

[beau thai]

I think I was not clear in my original post. Because she started staying with me (I live in the far end of Jomtien) it was costing her much more with motorbike taxis to get to me. Originally she had a room by the hotel. So I got her to give up her job and concentrate on learning English. To compensate I now give her 2,000 baht a week so that she has some independence financially and doesn't need to ask me for money for lunch and song teaws and all the bits that women buy. So she is slightly better off that her previous badly paid job and has the time to spend with me and do her studying. She wins and I get to spend time with her so I win.

All looks good so far, and good luck to you both for the future.

Just a suggestion, but I encourage my gf to keep her job as I think being with anyone 24/7 is just too much, and a job is not only about money.

The job is also about self -esteem and social contact ( even fairly menial jobs) - and she will feel better about sending 'her' money to her family rather than 'your' money- even though it is your support in other ways that enables her to disperse 'her' money in that way. Omho

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Yep, at 55 you only have one thing this 30 year old girl wants,

An enhanced lifestyle.

How could it be any different?