Please help me, with my wife's kids.

[Lukecan]

Man up, show them who's the boss. You're paying for the bills and yet you're being treated like crap. If you don't exert your authority, they'll take advantage of it.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Lukecan

[benalibina]

Any decent and kidsloving single parent would only select to live with a new partner if the kids would accept him/her as becoming the new stepmom/dad. This takes time and effort from all, but mostly from the parent of the kids. To create a bond.

In OP his case this apparantly has not happened. So the motives of his wife to live with him must be ....for......gain or not thinking about the best interest, emotional, of her own kids.

All what he has written ....i pity the kids. But they see it though for what it really is. They aint that daft. Teenage boys or not.

[dao16]

Any decent and kidsloving single parent would only select to live with a new partner if the kids would accept him/her as becoming the new stepmom/dad. This takes time and effort from all, but mostly from the parent of the kids. To create a bond.

In OP his case this apparantly has not happened. So the motives of his wife to live with him must be ....for......gain or not thinking about the best interest, emotional, of her own kids.

All what he has written ....i pity the kids. But they see it though for what it really is. They aint that daft. Teenage boys or not.

Well, that certainly could be the case. We don't really know based on the info in the OP or his other posts. I know Costas usually comes off as a reasonable guy (from the posts of his I can remember). So, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would just say it isn't easy when kids face change. They often resist it, even in the best of circumstances with the best of intentions.

[kannot]

They are already a lost cause, to late to change them, keep them out of your life and house.

[Kudel]

Man up, show them who's the boss. You're paying for the bills and yet you're being treated like crap. If you don't exert your authority, they'll take advantage of it.

Not every kid from a single parent relationship would like his mom to be kuddled by some village idiot from Europe on a goat cheese pension,her sons are making a statement op they hate youre goat cheese gut forever and coming from a single parent up bringing my self i can understand them so trying to make them feel different about you will just turn against you any way you try to turn it.

[Thongkorn]

I want to thank you guys for reminding me why i only search for a childless woman.....i almost forget there for a moment.

Would that be after the search for the Holy grail ,

Been there done this, Bottom line is they are not your children and they will never except you as there father. Also there will always be conflict with them because as soon as your

chastise them your wife /partner will take their side no matter what you do.

Either except that you will never be in control and just get on with your life, There will only be conflict between you , your wife and children ,

You care to much that's your problem , and they don't care about you, Sorry.

[Gerard052]

I have known my wife for 8 years and been married for 3 years, she has a 12 year old boy and a 16 year old daughter and I have no problem whatsoever with them. They are well behaved and they listen to me, maybe I am very lucky or maybe it is because I spend 6 months in Thailand and 6 months home and they both call me dad. I hope that everything works out for you, good luck.

[KhnomKhnom]

Wow, a tuff problem. Teens are so repulsive to adults because otherwise if they stayed sweet like before, parents would want to keep them.

Sorry to say, but the original problem comes from your wife whose job it was to teach her boys to adapt. She did not do that and now it is too late. I doubt you can turn this around now.

If I were in that bind, I would make a money deal with the boys. Good behavior buys X Baht per day.... week is too long ahead for them to think. Half into boy's hand and half into bank account they can touch at age 21. Show them the bank book. Do not say they get anything when you die because they may try to kill you.

Do not take them anywhere like a camping trip for gosh sakes... they will hate it. Take them to an I MAX movie.... ONLY AS A REWARD FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR........ same for a set amount of money to play video and other games in that play place top floor of Paragon, etc.

Be steady in your treatment of them... do not soften and then harden...... SAME always. and stick with it as difficult as it is. Make a deal.

These boys are mafia thinkers.... deal with them that way. Good luck.

[benalibina]

Any decent and kidsloving single parent would only select to live with a new partner if the kids would accept him/her as becoming the new stepmom/dad. This takes time and effort from all, but mostly from the parent of the kids. To create a bond.

In OP his case this apparantly has not happened. So the motives of his wife to live with him must be ....for......gain or not thinking about the best interest, emotional, of her own kids.

All what he has written ....i pity the kids. But they see it though for what it really is. They aint that daft. Teenage boys or not.

Well, that certainly could be the case. We don't really know based on the info in the OP or his other posts. I know Costas usually comes off as a reasonable guy (from the posts of his I can remember). So, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would just say it isn't easy when kids face change. They often resist it, even in the best of circumstances with the best of intentions.

OP just thought with his little and selfcentered brain by entering the relationship. The kids just came with the baggage. Their mother apparantly never put them first. Culture....as many can claim it. Most likely the kids interest has never ever been a factor for their mother to hook up with him. A better lifestyle should do the trick to them. That is not what kids care about when they are that young of age.

Looking at it from a kids point of view.....their mother comes home in the village with a foreign guy, old enough to be her own father, they are not asked anything, they most likely cannot even communicate with their future new stepfather, their mother doesnt make any effort, time and qualitywise, for a bond to exist before deciding if the new bf is accepted by her own kids. A fait accompli !

So the kids have a mother lacking parenting skills, a new foreign old stepdad who they feel is not committed to them emotionally, cultural differences??, yes a recipe for disaster.

Money and a better lifestyle doesnt do it, in this case, for these children.

Btw...not even mentioning the gossip the kids must hear in the village and or school.

Edited September 27, 2014 by benalibina

[Spock]

Good standard of discussion in this thread. Step parenting is fraught with difficulty. Lots of Thai street kids are the products of step parents who don't want the kid around.

The usual suspects who seek to discredit or insult other posters seem absent from this thread. Lots of heart felt honesty and some good advice has been expressed. As someone who has no step children but has dealt with them in the context of a welfare job, the conversation has made for interesting reading.

Thai teenagers present their own special challenges, particularly the boys. Asian mums seem much happier raising pre-teens than teenagers. Once the kids start questioning their parents authority, many Thai teens become rebellious and undisciplined, and parents seem uncertain in their parenting styles.

Thanks to many posters for their bleak, happy and hopeful tales of family life. May you be successful in resolving your own situations and living together harmoniously.

[Sirbergan]

Send them to stay on the family farm, old enough now to not be your problem.

Many foreigners have problems with teen males from another father.

Thai guys, just tell the woman to get rid, and they do.

Don't give them money.

PS

They know you are having sex with mom, and they don't like it.

No friendly way out, get rid (of them, or her).

Did I say, don't give them money.

Wonderful insight there, doctor Freud. Of course, It's always about who the mother has intercourse with.

Costa2008; I came into the picture when my son was 13 (father hadn't been in the picture since he was little), and I never had any problems. He was acting out, of course, all teenagers do - but I was able to deal with it. The biggest problem with most of these kids is that they don't have any ground rules, especially in the sticks. In Isaan, the attitude is broadly that "boys will be boys" - let them do as they please. In my mind, it's imperative to counteract this attitude.

You're the head of the family, and you have to act the part. That's not easy in the beginning, when you don't speak the language etc. It's a bit easier when you do. If you don't act the part, they'll never respect you.

I set ground rules, and I told him that he could bring his friends over anytime he'd like. It was even ok if they slept over. But I did not accept that he just left and came back the next morning. Whenever he did, there would be consequences. I never laid a hand on him, of course, but I would take away privileges and also speak my mind (yell at him) in my (at the time) far from perfect and not very polite Thai.

I assume you help paying for their weekly expenses while they're at the school. I would suggest telling them (or having your wife tell them) that they better behave, or they will get a reduced spending amount each month.

For the record, my son is now 20 - and wants to change his surname once he's 21.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Sirbergan

[zierf1]

Why do you waste money on private schools for them? Time to end that now.

[poweratradio]

Well, if their original issue was they didn't want you stealing their mom away from them, then you shipped them off to a boarding school, yeah... I can kind of see why they don't like you.

Take them camping, take them to a several day Buddhist retreat, take them on a vacation to say Chiang Mai or Phuket or Laos, find out what their interests are and get involved with them, etc.

Military School is the answer. That knocked the chip off my shoulder at that age.

[poweratradio]

Talk to them. Talk to them about their future and making money. Make yourself valuable. Let them know the long-term benefits of being on your good side. Set strict limits on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Stick to those rules, even in unforeseen circumstances.

It will take a lot of time for them to trust you. Farangs here do not have a good reputation, and that is 'well' earned. Spend time with each one, separately. Get to know them --their talents and interests, their favorite ice cream...

I cracked this nut before, and it takes strength and patience. Be the hard line, let Mom be the soft one.

They will respond.

PS: Ifanyone gives you crap for being a human being and asking for advice please ignore them.

I have spend hours, days, years, talking to them, me and their mother, trying to show them the right way in life, trying to tell them what is right and what is wrong.

I don't even remember spending so much time and effort with my own kids.

But what I get back is either a "khrap" or most of the time "it's my business or it's my life"

I have taken them to many trips alone or together, I had never given them any satisfaction.

Last April I took them to Chiang Rai, a famous Buddhist school for meditation and self awareness.

They pretended they changed for 3 days after and back to normal.

I can't really see what else I can do for them.

I want to help them, but I also have a life and I worked hard to be entitled to a better way of living now.

Just ignore them costas and quit paying for school too. Let them drift and let them know you will provide a roof and a meal when required but other than that cut off allowances and let them know if they are so independent in their thinking that they are basically on their own. You may have to have a talk with your wife about reining in the financial reins totally. It will never change the feelings they have for you. Just let her deal with them and you stay out of it completely and financially.

[poweratradio]

Bought boy an X Box. Played with it for 2 days.

Bought him 3 bicycles. Lost,stolen or broken, so unused.

When going to restaurants, even at 12 years old he ordered several dishes and ate little. So when he was TOLD what food he was getting, he refused to eat it.

He flatly refused to learn English with a tutor and then I found out it was a school subject. Never heard him utter a word of English in 4 years. Even his mother is fluent,recognises the advantage of speaking English, but could not get it over to him.

Refused to do elementary things such as close fly screens etc. flush toilets whatever.

I never seen him help his Mom in any way in the house.

His big sister was worse. University had made her a wannabe HiSo. A leech who demanded, and got what she asked from her mother, who was entirely funded my me. Her mother once made a 100 km motor cycle trip at night because daughter had run out of money.

The poor woman, who had grown up in abject poverty herself just accepted everything as if it was the natural way of the world. Even when she knew we were breaking up, and was pretty cut up about it all, she felt she could do nothing to influence their behaviour.

I call her now and again, barely surviving. Terrible way to have to be

Kay Sarah Sarah.

[brd]

you have done a lot and your darling wife should be very grateful to you with your full support.

You are facing walls as like a snake in a tube it is always a snake.

The Thai genes are too strong every ones ( grd parents, siblings, neighbours etc... ) are on their side, undoing what ever you are yourself doing.

I am caring for a 14 years old boy the past ten years running. In fact he was 110 % Thai when I took him away from grd parents whom were not raising him other than like a buffalo, I sent him 4 years to international school etc...and today I can tell you he is still 95 % Thai absolutely stubborn and never having had an evidence of his intelligence showed to me because he is stupid ( of course nice and smiling when necessary as a mask ).

I have two other boys on our own with my darling of ten years wife and this is a charm especially since all the grd parents, siblings etc... have been excluded from our life.

At the age your steps sons are only the Army can provide you with a solution enroll them by force if necessary or no more support, you are not running a charity neither being a perpetual ATM and let it be.

Be yourself more selfish than they both are for your own survival.

Not enough has been done prior reaching this level of ruined feelings.

My step son going on his 14 years, nearly kicked out one year ago from our life never listening, never actuating rightly, hugely self centered, now soon 14 years old he is deprived of smartphone, stopped to wear fancy logo black mainly t shirt, has to wear proper shoes and to look educated with his behavior not being so much like a farmer in town....hopefully going to join the Thai Navy when 16 years old ( boy scout he learns nothing ).

I took over the power, leaving my wife to be happy her ways, only 3 years ago ( my ways or no ways...forget derelict Thai culture we live in a modern still outside Bangkok yes a third world country ) from any one else in my own family ( grd Pa, grd Ma excluded full presence ) with stricter rules and the house is clean, the boys sleep well, no TV, limited tablet use, ball games, are not typical Thai boys we are told when meeting Thai people - the least we do the best - international nationalities are a lot of fun ! ).

Your two boys have to live separately to stop to feed each other with continuous stupidity, help your wife, their mother has to earn their full respect regardless of your promiscuity with her ( i live in a separate bedroom for avoiding sex related gossips ) and they must be firmly educated with punishment.

You are as parents responsible for their behaviour but in a land of free spirit for all, nothing is important, nothing matters other than every one united is begging for farangs money though no honey no money.

Never give up Love is a strong cement, but never yourself to surrender to young boys shitting on your head as you are right and you are the Tree under which your wife and the two boys are very lucky to benefit from its shadow,

Review it all with your wife and for nothing to change everything has to change. Go for it as the NO over here is extremely efficient enhancing your position showing you have earned their respect when no one smile any more when meeting you and boring people have become ghosts.

My wife has changed her skin for the best.......I punish seriously the boy ( him learning sorry and thank you ) and I stick to my punishment not bending it at all never hurting him physically when I should have had done it ( no harm in education ), my wife only actuating it by herself on him more than 6 years so difficult he was.

Lucky us we are who we are !

Edited September 27, 2014 by brd

[poweratradio]

Costa,discuss this with your wife,and tell her the kids make you miserable.Stay for a week and maybe a short tour of local area and pop in now and again,until holidays are over.This is only a test run until they finish school and come home for good.Then what you gunna do,blood thicker than water you know.

I see Costas liked this but It is a bad move. There is absolutely zero reason that costas should be made to suffer while causing suffering at the home front by his absenses. The only suffering that needs to be focused is on the disrespect that is directed toward the family benefactor costas. The mother and the children need to know where the line is. Costas needs a family meeting after pre discussion with their mother and getting her concurrance lay down laws that have penalties if broken. IE take aways and new chores. Talk about the love of the parents and the what if there was no costa there. Talk about no boarding school and the plan for that. Talk about the kids moving in with relatives if it is so bad there.

[poweratradio]

Actually quite surprised to see this topic here not to mention the 5 plus pages of comments including my own.

.1) Costas knows the answers to his problems and didn't need our advice at all.

.2) Costas has a habit of posting controversial and replying to posts controversially

.3) Costas must be so happy that he can like or not like many of the posts which we all can see which ones he liked and we know so well are the obvious answers that anyone of Costas intellect would have already thought of; which proves costas has finally been uncovered as a TROLL poster.

[brd]

If poweratradio has the correct answer commenting on Costas therefore nothing to add to Costas.

Flushing !

Thank you poweratradio

[USNret]

Is there any uncle or grandparent around who would be a good role model? Not a father figure, but to reinforce the life lessons you & your wife are trying to instill about life & responsibility? A respected relative (hopefully male) can perhaps make them understand the sacrifices their mother made for them when she was single; how hard she worked for a better life for them; about the commitment you made when you became part of a "ready-made family".

Like others have said, these two are not a lost cause. It may seem like the talk goes in one ear & out the other, but hopefully some of it sinks in and will bear fruit in time. How do you best communicate with them? In English or Thai?

[Grindting]

Send them to stay on the family farm, old enough now to not be your problem.

Many foreigners have problems with teen males from another father.

Thai guys, just tell the woman to get rid, and they do.

Don't give them money.

PS

They know you are having sex with mom, and they don't like it.

No friendly way out, get rid (of them, or her).

Did I say, don't give them money.

This is it. Ultimatums are in order. Final warning for them to shape up, or they're out. Ie send them to the boarding school to never return, and when they reach 'of age' they get cut off. Even threaten to move your wife to the UK/US/etc wherever you came from and leave them in the dark if they don't shape up. Your wife needs to be on board. If she's not, then you'll have to divorce her and start over.

[ericthai]

costas the one thing you havent mentioned, how is your wife with them ?

She is heartbroken with them, as she can understand that they are not heading for a bright future.

She is constantly trying to show them the right way, but we no results.

Many times she has been crying and being very confused with them.

But, they are her sons and she loves them with no conditions.

In fact she feels worst than me, torn between her love for her sons and her affection for me.

Sorry to say it might be too late at their age to do anything.

I was in almost the same situation when I was living in the USA when I married a girl that had two kids

from a previous marriage. They were younger 6 and 12. At first I tried to be nice and be their friend but that just made things worse. In the end I ended up laying down the law. Unfortunately two years later the Engineering company I worked for changed my role and I started traveling to the point I would be home for 1 week and then gone for 6-8 weeks so the marriage didn't last. However the kids are doing well and even though I thought they hated me for being strict it turned out they loved me. I still get emails from both kids from time to time.

Maybe you need to get the kids back home so they are near their mother which it sounds like that is what they want. Then make the house rules. Dont need to hit them. They do something wrong, something gets taken away. A cell phone for a few days, no computer, etc. Set up an allowance for the kids to make a few baht. They do their chores, cut the grass, burn the trash, help with dishes, go to the market etc, they get 100-200B a week on top of their school money. Something like that. This helps with positive reinforcement. However some kids no matter what you do they will not change.

Also I will speak to my sister, she is a child physiologist and ask for her opinion. It is hard to evaluate things without speaking to everyone in the family but she can give your a few ideas. I will PM you when I get a response from her. I really hate to see a family broken up. Do you speak Thai? Might help if you could learn some Thai so you can speak to them directly, showing them you are making an effort, this needs to be a two way street. Good Luck!!

Edited September 27, 2014 by ericthai

[MAJIC]

costas the one thing you havent mentioned, how is your wife with them ?

She is heartbroken with them, as she can understand that they are not heading for a bright future.

She is constantly trying to show them the right way, but we no results.

Many times she has been crying and being very confused with them.

But, they are her sons and she loves them with no conditions.

In fact she feels worst than me, torn between her love for her sons and her affection for me.

The road to acceptance of adopted children or Stepsons or Daughters is riddled with good intentions,which have failed! leaving the stepfather to pick up the pieces, after all the years they have been with you,they should change,and realise you have saved them from an austere life,and given them a chance in life,such is the ingratitude of youth,forget the abused education,and send them out to work,and make it clear they can now start looking after themselves, unfortunately you will have to explain to your wife that you have been flogging a dead horse for years and it's now time for them to accept responsibility for themselves! perhaps you can explain to your wife,that if you see some progress within six months to a year,you will review the situation? and perhaps give some help! don't feel guilty about it,they both need a long overdue wakeup call!

[sdanielmcev]

Learn to play guitar. Be cooler than them. Works for me.

[spidermike007]

I think the moral to this thread is to think very, very hard before getting seriously involved with a woman who has kids. It is a very complex relationship and there is a huge chance of complications. Unless, they are grown up, of course.

[jacko45k]

Do they still have conscription here?

It may be their only hope.

I cannot give advice as I do not have 'her' children to worry about, I have a nephew who frequently visits and he is better behaved with me and the Mrs than he is at home. I have known him since he was a toddler, but we approach the dangerous teens now.

It sounds like you guys face a combination of many factors, kids who are messed up due to loss of a father figure, mothers who just aren't able to control them, and underlying bigotry against Westerners. Plus a sense of entitlement completely unfounded.

I wouldn't waste my time if I even got involved in the first place. Sad to lose a good woman, but the kids will be gone soon enough,probably getting up to mischief in Pattaya!

[krisb]

Costas, not sure it's been mentioned yet mate but I'd be getting those boys into the Army or a temple.

They need discipline, but from you won't work. They need Thai style discipline from Thais.

[ukguyinthai]

Costas,you don't stand a chance of changing anything.You have been too soft for too long.The boarding school was a disaster move if you wanted to get close. Nothing you or your wife do will change these two now.

Nothing......So focus on you and your wife ,dont let them give you anymore pain. Be happy together and stop trying with them.Let them see how happy you are together,plan for you and your wifes daily happiness ( leave the kids out of it ) Let them feel everyone has had enough of them and their bad behaviour, they may stop to think,or they may go find somewhere to live soon and leave you in peace.......You have tried its not your problem any more,If they could press a button and make you disappear would they press it?........Stop worrying about them ,plan for your happiness only!!!! Only if they come to you should you engage with them.

[nonb]

Like my husband used to say to his friend " JUST DUMP THE F**KING BITCH" Then they will learn

Edited September 28, 2014 by nonb

[Card]

First off, let me say that it is very brave of you to post a personal story.

That being said, IMO these kids are lost ....They're 15 and 16 and sound as though they have never been disciplined. Having their father leave when they were very young is no excuse. I'm afraid their mother missed the boat when they were young by not setting guide lines and discipline.

I met my wife almost 11 years ago when her children were 10 (boy) 13(girl) and 17 (boy). Like your wife's kids the father left when they were young never to been seen again. My wife worked two separate jobs before I met her so she could feed and clothe her children so she wasn't around much to discipline them and they were pretty much on their own...BUT she did set rules and guidelines.. The 10 year thought the same as your wife's children, that I was going to steal away their mother, the 13 year girl was wild staying out til 2am or later and the oldest decided it was best to just stay at a friends house.

At no point did I try to befriend them or become a father figure. BUT since I was paying the bills there were rules, which my wife agreed to, ...ie curfew, and school work. In the beginning it was just a tense co-existance with the young ones ....everybody going their own way and some ugly moments when I had to intervene, but my wife always supported my decisions and knew it was best for the kids in the long run.

Only advice I can give having been through something similar is to get your wife on board, set some rules and guidelines, and forget about trying to be friends with them but treat them with respect and eventually they will respect you back. took about 5 years in my situation but in the end we are one big happy family now. The above advice is something that worked for me ....and may not work for you...you have to be flexible

Good luck as it won't be easy

This sounds like the best advice I have ever heard to deal with this situation. But if this approach is taken there should be no softening. It has to be continually maintained or the brats will see a chink of weakness and start playing on it. Bribes don't work - if you reward bad behaviour, then it will continue. Rules and guidelines are the best way to get kids to act properly because if they don't then they know what happens when they cross the boundaries.