Beach Boys And Things

[krabigirl]

Thanks so much for all the responses...though I can say I was a bit baffled by the conflicting advice. One thing I was sad about was all the beach boy stuff, yes this is a beach boy, but I don' t think he fits the negative stereotype. I spent extensive amounts of time with his friends, and girlfriend's of his friends (one of them a Canadian, who had lived there and been dating a Thai man for over a year) who all vouched for him never hanging around tourist girls and being a good man in general. Plus, there is my instinct which tells me he is a very good man. Many of you might think i am naive (hopefully not), or maybe I don't know enough about Thai culture--who knows?

I do have some background in this field of dating international men though. My first love, was essentially a version of a "beach boy" that I met in Mexico..and we ended up in a 3 year relationship. Luckily I lived close to the border and could see him often, and eventually we moved to Guadalajara together. It was difficult though, the communication, cultural differences, constantly contemplating visas and marriage and all that.

Needless to say, I was shocked that I found myself falling in love again in a foreign country (I dated guys in the states between the two)...luckily, I am a bit older and having gone through this once before eliminates any feelings of total desperation. I do teach English, and already know of several jobs in Krabi, but having lived in Guadalajara, I know that it is so hard to live in a foreign country with foreign pay, and have any kind of debt--which I do. Plus, I am very happy with my job right now. So, as of now I am trying to adjust to the idea of not seeing him until next June. We talk nearly every day, actually he just called me to say goodnight.

HOWEVER, there is one complication, which hopefully you'll try to be kind about, is that he is still semi-in another long distance relationship with a Thai girl. I have known about her since day one. She is studying in Bangkok, and basically her parents have refused to let them marry because she is buddhist and he is muslim. He hasn't seen her in at least a year, and the one time she visited she stayed only one day. He wants to break things off with her, and I think probably will, but he doesn't want to hurt her. At first this bothered me and I told him that as things got more serious. At one point, he agreed to end things with her, but when he then was asking for assurances that we would work out, I freaked out and thought who am I to tell him to do that when I am going to be gone for a year, and though we love eachother, there is no guarantee that we will suceed--I just didn't want to mess up his life in case I changed my mind when I got home.

So, even though I am sure I sound really naive now, all I can say is that we openly communicate about it on a regular basis and when I am upset about it or have questions he is very caring and honest. He is also very supportive about the long distance thing, constantly reassuring me it will be okay, and reminding me not to dwell on it and time will go by quickly.

So there it is...fully disclosed. I can' t wait to hear your comments now. Also, thanks for the book suggestions. Any other book suggestions on Thai culture and language would be much appreciated.

Also, FYI, my initial research on Islam has taught me a lot about the misconceptions people have about how they treat their women. I think the things people mostly think about are in regard to the middle east, in the Koran itself women are granted many rights not afforded for in the bible or even in the US until the early 1900s...I don't want to debate Islam, nor claim to be an expert, I just want to pass down this info, as I just recently started looking into it and was really surprised by it.

Again, I woud love any info on how Islam plays out in Thailand...though it seems to be scarce.

[girlx]

actually it seems he is being very upfront about things so all you can really do is trust that he will continue to be. the average beach boy might be looking for free sex and money from a foreigner (this is a lot of times why they choose us over the gorgeous thai women) so you just have to feel it out and see if you can figure any ulterior motives he might have. if they aren't obvious, don't worry about them til they become so! there are a couple of good guys out there even on the beaches. but i have noticed across the board that they will be loyal to you while you are there but as soon as you leave they start looking elsewhere. can't blame them because their lives are a succession of farangs who come here and get blissed out, make extravagant plans for a future here, and then never return. they get their hearts broken too. good luck!

[LaReina]

Sooooooooooooooooooo... you are dating a guy who has a girlfriend? Whom he says he will break up with if he is sure your relationship will work?

You are dating a man with a girlfriend with whom he wanted to marry? And the ONLY reason they are not married is due to religious differences?

so had they been of the same religion he would not have been open to other women?

He loved her enough to want to marry her.. but now that something better has come along, he is all so willing to dump her?

Well.. I must admit, I like your honesty and his too. Too bad he didn't have the balls to break up with her prior to seeking a new relationship.

Oddly enough, I don't think you are naive at all.

[girlx]

well there you go... that was my first thought too but i thought i would try to be positive. it is possible that he might want to have his cake and eat it too.

[Khun Jean]

And when things get serious will religion be a problem when you both want to get married?

A very "heavy" thing to decide.

[Goldenbead]

HOWEVER, there is one complication, which hopefully you'll try to be kind about, is that he is still semi-in another long distance relationship with a Thai girl. I have known about her since day one. She is studying in Bangkok, and basically her parents have refused to let them marry because she is buddhist and he is muslim.

This is a major red flag IMO. If you feel you are in love with this guy, you have to look at this closely and honestly. If there is a problem with marrying a buddhist girl, don't you think there will be a problem with marrying a Christian (assumed) girl? I know it was her parents and not his but they will probably feel the same way.

Be careful. Good luck with your choices, I hope everything works out for the best.

[krabigirl]

funny you mention this Goldenbead....I asked him about this. I am not Christian, actually I am nothing but spiritual and fascinated by many aspects of many religions, including islam. So, I somewhat seriously/somewhat jokingly asked him what would be better according to his parents...a thai buddhist girl, or a converted muslim farang...he thought about a while, said it was a close tie, but the muslim thing might push me over the edge....Also, remember it is her parents that are upset about the situation, his parents seem a bit more accepting...but I also think his family is poorer than hers so that might play a big role....

Anyhow, the notion of whether the only reason that they aren't married is because of her parents has bothered me, and I have talked to him and his bestfriend about it...the consensus is that it just doesn't seem likely they will marry regardless...but that could be BS...anyhow I am sure I will find out in due time...for right now, honestly, I am just happy he isn't married or divorced with children like so many of his friends.

[BambinA]

Troll?

[krabigirl]

Troll?

Huh?

[BambinA]

Troll?

Huh?

nothing , i just have been eating too much .. just have nightmare and flatulence

[tourleadersi]

Just a little word of advice from a man before I back out gracefully from this area. If he really (and I mean really, really) loves you then this other woman should not be in the picture at all. It takes a lot for a guy to say that he loves a girl and actually mean it. Best clue to tell if a guy truly loves you, don't listen to the words, look for the actions.

When I met my wife to be I knew that she was the one within 3 days. At the time I had a casual relationship going (hence the possibility of meeting my wife-to-be) with another woman. Within 30 minutes of realising how I truly felt I had called up this other woman and called the whole thing off.

I'm sorry, but as a man when I hear that a guy tells a woman that he loves her but is also still 'seeing' an old flame I can only wonder at why the relationship continues to exist. If a woman said that to me the decision would be already made. If she didn't feel so strongly about me that she would leave all other potential suitors out in the cold in an instance (not 5 minutes after we met you understand, but after she told me she loved me), then I am afraid she is not the one for me. How will you ever truly know if he has broken things off with this other woman?

I'm sorry if the truth hurts. You sound like a nice person, and all I can say is that any man who does not give you the world is not one that you should consider as a future partner. Aim high and don't compromise.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Sorry ladies for invading your space, but in this instance I thought perhaps a man's perspective might help to add some balance.

[krabigirl]

Just a little word of advice from a man before I back out gracefully from this area. If he really (and I mean really, really) loves you then this other woman should not be in the picture at all. It takes a lot for a guy to say that he loves a girl and actually mean it. Best clue to tell if a guy truly loves you, don't listen to the words, look for the actions.

When I met my wife to be I knew that she was the one within 3 days. At the time I had a casual relationship going (hence the possibility of meeting my wife-to-be) with another woman. Within 30 minutes of realising how I truly felt I had called up this other woman and called the whole thing off.

I'm sorry, but as a man when I hear that a guy tells a woman that he loves her but is also still 'seeing' an old flame I can only wonder at why the relationship continues to exist. If a woman said that to me the decision would be already made. If she didn't feel so strongly about me that she would leave all other potential suitors out in the cold in an instance (not 5 minutes after we met you understand, but after she told me she loved me), then I am afraid she is not the one for me. How will you ever truly know if he has broken things off with this other woman?

I'm sorry if the truth hurts. You sound like a nice person, and all I can say is that any man who does not give you the world is not one that you should consider as a future partner. Aim high and don't compromise.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Sorry ladies for invading your space, but in this instance I thought perhaps a man's perspective might help to add some balance.

I can definitely see where you are coming from, and in many respects I would agree with you. The only thing missing is the cultural context, which I think is important. Even if he loves me, which I am confident he does, he still has to deal with his family, friends and societal pressure. Also, again, while it would be great if he completely broke it off with her, what do I gain while thousands of miles away? What does he lose? They dont' see each other often at all anyhow. I guess I am getting a little frustrated with people on this site being insistant that love = monogomy and monogomy = love. I don't think you can assume the same is true for all males, nor females--and this is coming from someone who used to think the same way you do. Anyhow, I don't mean to be defensive...i just wish people would start considering what it means to be truly in love and truly unselfish, and realize that monogomy isn't love, I know many people that are capable of truly loving and respecting more than one person at a time. So, no the truth doesn't hurt because that is your truth, not mine. Regardless, I respect the perspective as I am sure many others would agree with you.

[britmaveric]

Beach Boy huh???

[seonai]

What a diatribe Krabigirl.......... Woo Hoo........ see you in a few months.........

[sbk]

krabigirl, it is one thing to not be monogamous and another thing entirely to have a serious long term relationship with another woman.

But, its your life and you must live it your way, so why worry what a bunch of people on a forum have to say? Why ask when you seem to have made up your mind already?

and tourleadersi, great post, I think this phrase should be taught to every girl

any man who does not give you the world is not one that you should consider as a future partner. Aim high and don't compromise.

[donna]

krabigirl it appears that you have made up your mind anyway, but i still think that you should listen to what people here have to say. you asked for advice and you got it. a lot of it.

i used to be in your situation with a bloke in indo. lovely guy. he asked me to marry him etc. i got along really well with his family, and he looked after me really well. this guy is a loving and caring man.

but im glad i didnt marry him in the end.

we would not have had any money to put towards a future for us. he could not provide me with any form of security and was happy to live each day as it comes. whilst i admire this, it is not for me. living day to day is something that i have had to do in the past, but as a long term thing, its not fun.

what if we had kids? how would he have supported us whilst i was taking care of the kids? food, school, medical care are all things that you have to really seriously consider when you are thinking about long term relationships that may lead to marriage.

if a guy is telling you that he loves you, but still has a bit on the side in bangkok, surely the alarm bells would be ringing. he has her as a back up in case it all goes down the toilet with you. i dunno. something isnt right here.

and, you will soon learn this about thai or asian people, of course they are gonna say he is a good bloke. they are not going to say anything against their friend because they are all doing the same thing. why condemn something that they are all doing? they will stick together like glue.

now, im not in the 'all beachboys are pricks' frame of thinking, but you have to ask yourself this:

if i were at home, would i go out with the same kind of person?

if you can answer this honestly, and still want to be with him, then go for it. but if you want more than this, think again.

on the complete other hand (god, im ranting now i think), you only live once. if you have met the love of your life and want to sacrifice everything for him then why hold back?

never try never know.

i wish you luck.

[girlx]

krabigirl, it is one thing to not be monogamous and another thing entirely to have a serious long term relationship with another woman.

this is true.

i am not so sure i believe in monogamy myself, as even i get bored of a relationship and feel like straying after a year or so. i was with the love of my life for 8 years. madly in love with him still, but no sexual attraction to him any longer, just been there and done that so many times already. so either he is just not the right guy for me or sex is not so important after all in the long term. i never cheated on him, but we did eventually make an agreement to have an open relationship and it worked for awhile, but then jealousy got the better of us. polygamy is like communism- it's a good idea but it doesn't really work in practice, at least in western cultures. maybe one day we will learn to separate sex from love like the eastern world seems to.

i think SBK's point might be that if you make an agreement with each other to stay together long term, then it is a sacrifice and both sides need to work a bit to keep things real. an open relationship where the guy is free to go to prostitutes and satisfy a need or something is quite different from one in which the guy has another whole life set up on the side that takes away from yours. in the second case, he just wants his cake and wants to eat it too, and you would be the fool that got hurt. my friend is in this same situation, by the way. he is a lawyer and his family is pressuring him to marry a rich chinese thai girl in bangkok. my friend the farang is her competition, but i really think she will lose out in the end simply because the need to respect and obey parents in this country is such a priority. oh, and i should mention he has been calling me too, so there you go. in that situation, i think he is a cake eater.

[Boo]

The stereotypical beach boy has a reputation for a reason. No one disputes that the "majority" of thai guys working the beach in tourist populated areas are exposed to a large amount of foreign women who are up for a bit of <deleted>,n so the chances are the guys have had a lot of expereince with western women. BUT......as with any person from any country in life all people should be judged on their own merits & how they have acted in YOUR personal experience.

If you feel you can invest the time in this guy & afford to possibly be burned, then go for it. No one knows at the start of a relationship if it will work or not.

But if you are going to spend you whole time worrying about him shagging other women & thinking that he is out to rip you off, then break it off with him, as he deserves better.

If you spend your life thinking that you will be ripped off or treated badly, then IMO, you probably will as no decent person will go near you, those negative vibes & attitudes are easy to pick up.

[krabigirl]

Thanks again for the feedback. I am sorry some of you thought "i'd already made up my mind." I haven't really decided much at all...I just wanted to explain some of my thoughts on the situation...I mean if somone is telling me "he's cheating, it's not love, you shouldn't compromise" because of their views on monogomy that is fine, but I thought I should clarify my position on it, as to not solicit more advice along that vein...anyhow its been a long day...and I was so shaken when i spoke to him, he probably thinks i've lost it...we talked about her a bit (i asked how she was)...basically he just says its so difficult because he loves us both and wants to do the best thing for everybody...and i suppose we all have a good idea what that is.

[Boo]

regarding the monogamy thing, you can have any view on it you want but from personal experience, trying to be open about monogamy & saying that your don't beleive in it is fine until you are in a relationship where your partner is cheating on you, you then don't have a leg to stand on & will have to put up & shut up about it. Apart from the sexual health issues that come with having an "open" relationship, it's not good for the mental health either to think about your partner with another women.

For me, I made the whole issue clear from the beginning, we spend approx 20hrs a day together so yes, I know he isn't out shagging around but even if we weren't together so much, he knows that ANY cheating means the end for us. Thats how I feel about it & it makes my life happier & my partners life happier to know the rules. (it goes go both ways, I too am 100 percent faithful)

[soic]

Thanks again for the feedback. I am sorry some of you thought "i'd already made up my mind." I haven't really decided much at all...I just wanted to explain some of my thoughts on the situation...I mean if somone is telling me "he's cheating, it's not love, you shouldn't compromise" because of their views on monogomy that is fine, but I thought I should clarify my position on it, as to not solicit more advice along that vein...anyhow its been a long day...and I was so shaken when i spoke to him, he probably thinks i've lost it...we talked about her a bit (i asked how she was)...basically he just says its so difficult because he loves us both and wants to do the best thing for everybody...and i suppose we all have a good idea what that is.

I agree that monogamy isn't the definition of love. I am troubled by the fact that he asked if you could guarantee him that you two would work out. That's very troublesome to me. If he were following his heart, that wouldn't be a question. To me it sounds too much like, "if I can't have chocolate ice cream, I'll take the vanilla". A little trite but more to the point I think. It's like he wants to jump from one life boat to another. I worry that he's too ready to bail from a relationship that he says he is/was devoted to, if another sure thing comes along. If he loved her that much, he'd find a way to make it work, elope, run away together... he just wouldn't give up. Then to ask you to assure him that if he let's go, he'll have you. Would he do that with you? if he found a local girl or another girl that was ready to be with him 100% of the time. There isn't a relationship in the world that's 100% guaranteed, I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. I love my wife more than anything in this world and wouldn't have another for anything, but can I say that nothing will ever happen between us and cause us to divorce, No, not and be honest. Life has too many surprises.

You need to put your heart in check for a little bit and look at the relationship and offer advice to yourself, like it's to your best friend or sister. Long distance relationships are difficult to say the least. If he's ready to give up so easily, or wants to hang on but still have you, that's something to think about. For you to give up your job and run over to Thailand, that's a huge sacrifice. You need to work out your feelings, and he needs to be completely clear of that relationship before either of you move towards each other. If you don't do that and you get together, you'll always wonder if you were "chocolate or vanilla" and he'll always wonder what would have happened if he'd kept trying with her, or you'd wonder if he still thinks about her. That baggage needs to be gone before either of you risks your hearts to that potential disaster. Life is going to throw too much at you as it is, without you building your new relationship on a mine field. Sorry... I may be saying too much, but it's just the way I see things. You'll be the one that has to live with your decisions.

[gisele]

You need to put your heart in check for a little bit and look at the relationship and offer advice to yourself, like it's to your best friend or sister. Long distance relationships are difficult to say the least. If he's ready to give up so easily, or wants to hang on but still have you, that's something to think about. For you to give up your job and run over to Thailand, that's a huge sacrifice. You need to work out your feelings, and he needs to be completely clear of that relationship before either of you move towards each other. If you don't do that and you get together, you'll always wonder if you were "chocolate or vanilla" and he'll always wonder what would have happened if he'd kept trying with her, or you'd wonder if he still thinks about her. That baggage needs to be gone before either of you risks your hearts to that potential disaster. Life is going to throw too much at you as it is, without you building your new relationship on a mine field. Sorry... I may be saying too much, but it's just the way I see things. You'll be the one that has to live with your decisions.

Very clear thinking.

and only time will tell.

Many things can happen, say if Krabigirl is the "flavour of the month" as sbk often cleverly puts it, she needs to decide if that is enough for her, if having a bit of fun is fine for now.

Asking oneself if waiting for him to decide who he really wants is a good idea, after all, anyone deserve better than that.

Being the one and only should be the desirable situation. Shouldn't it?

For us living here, we have seen it alot, beach boys who profess their undying love to their woman of the hour, until she boards the plane. Off to the deboarding lot next.

Being in a candy shop, if one has a sweet tooth, what better deal than that.

[sylvafern]

I read through the whole of the other topic tbefore reading this one and after reading your first posting in this thread, in my opinion there's not much chance of the relationship developing. Years ago I met a guy who was basically a beach boy and he had a girlfriend in bangkok. he was open about it and I wasn't the first he'd been with but supposedly was the first he really fell for. I don't doubt that he had strong feelings for me as they really did seem to be in the air (or he was a good actor!) but when he wanted to visit me at the same time as visiting his girlfriend in bangkok there was no way was going for that. It was in my 'wild' days so I wasn't looking for a relationship anyhow and I didn't even fancy him all that much so it was easy to make the decision. Something I didn't really think about at the time and maybe you're not thinking of either is what about the girlfriend - while your relationship with this guy might be open, is hers? If it's not, then think of the hurt she might suffer when she finds out about you? If they planned to marry and it's her parents got in the way (which is possible as I've seen it happen before) then they must have been in love with each other and could very well still be.

[krabigirl]

I read through the whole of the other topic tbefore reading this one and after reading your first posting in this thread, in my opinion there's not much chance of the relationship developing. Years ago I met a guy who was basically a beach boy and he had a girlfriend in bangkok. he was open about it and I wasn't the first he'd been with but supposedly was the first he really fell for. I don't doubt that he had strong feelings for me as they really did seem to be in the air (or he was a good actor!) but when he wanted to visit me at the same time as visiting his girlfriend in bangkok there was no way was going for that. It was in my 'wild' days so I wasn't looking for a relationship anyhow and I didn't even fancy him all that much so it was easy to make the decision. Something I didn't really think about at the time and maybe you're not thinking of either is what about the girlfriend - while your relationship with this guy might be open, is hers? If it's not, then think of the hurt she might suffer when she finds out about you? If they planned to marry and it's her parents got in the way (which is possible as I've seen it happen before) then they must have been in love with each other and could very well still be.

Thanks for the reply. I am still as confused as ever, but definitely more grounded then when I walked off the plane. If I were smart I'd probably end all communication with him, but he's still calling me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me and all that...which is kind of hard to resist. I am sure when the school year starts and I am busy as all hel_l, this will probably drop off a bit, or maybe all together. But I can't lie, a part of me is like how could you let go of a connection like that...it's not that different that what you described above. And its not just him, but our whole little family of friends that I'd like to see again....but then going back is where i'd really risk my heart I suppose. I do think about the girlfriend, and that situation you mentioned about him trying to visit it you at the same time, could very well happen to me, and you are right, that is just ridiculous. I do think about her and feel bad, but I guess it is easier to feel bad for myself. I for one just wish she knew about me, and then I would be a lot more at peace about the whole thing--because that is how a real open relationship works. The more I feel like a mistress the more I resent the whole situation...it's just so hard for me to get the balls to break ties, because then I will be the one with the what ifs...

[berries]

actually it seems he is being very upfront about things so all you can really do is trust that he will continue to be. the average beach boy might be looking for free sex and money from a foreigner (this is a lot of times why they choose us over the gorgeous thai women)

Who exactly is this 'us'???? Are you saying that there aren't any gorgeous foreign women out there?? Why has noone else picked up on this ridiculous statement. In my experience Thai men often prefer the white skin and bridged nose of foreign women and don't appreciate what the rest of the world sees in Thai women (apart from the ones with white skin and bridged noses of course!). Coupled with the fact that the media, both here in Thailand and internationally portrays western looks (both male and female) as the epitomy of beauty - many Thai men think that the most average looking western woman looks like she's stepped off a Hollywood film set. Just like many Thai woman think that the average western man looks like Brad Pitt. Any time I've ever been to an island in Thailand it's always been overflowing with beautiful people of all nationalities wearing next to nothing. I'm sure these island boys feel like they've died and gone to heaven.

[soic]

actually it seems he is being very upfront about things so all you can really do is trust that he will continue to be. the average beach boy might be looking for free sex and money from a foreigner (this is a lot of times why they choose us over the gorgeous thai women)

Who exactly is this 'us'???? Are you saying that there aren't any gorgeous foreign women out there?? Why has noone else picked up on this ridiculous statement. In my experience Thai men often prefer the white skin and bridged nose of foreign women and don't appreciate what the rest of the world sees in Thai women (apart from the ones with white skin and bridged noses of course!). Coupled with the fact that the media, both here in Thailand and internationally portrays western looks (both male and female) as the epitomy of beauty - many Thai men think that the most average looking western woman looks like she's stepped off a Hollywood film set. Just like many Thai woman think that the average western man looks like Brad Pitt. Any time I've ever been to an island in Thailand it's always been overflowing with beautiful people of all nationalities wearing next to nothing. I'm sure these island boys feel like they've died and gone to heaven.

If you had read the whole thread, that is exactly what she was referring to. She is one of "foreign women" that you're referring to, she is a farang lady, just like you!!! You missed the mark on that one...

[gisele]

I read through the whole of the other topic tbefore reading this one and after reading your first posting in this thread, in my opinion there's not much chance of the relationship developing. Years ago I met a guy who was basically a beach boy and he had a girlfriend in bangkok. he was open about it and I wasn't the first he'd been with but supposedly was the first he really fell for. I don't doubt that he had strong feelings for me as they really did seem to be in the air (or he was a good actor!) but when he wanted to visit me at the same time as visiting his girlfriend in bangkok there was no way was going for that. It was in my 'wild' days so I wasn't looking for a relationship anyhow and I didn't even fancy him all that much so it was easy to make the decision. Something I didn't really think about at the time and maybe you're not thinking of either is what about the girlfriend - while your relationship with this guy might be open, is hers? If it's not, then think of the hurt she might suffer when she finds out about you? If they planned to marry and it's her parents got in the way (which is possible as I've seen it happen before) then they must have been in love with each other and could very well still be.

Thanks for the reply. I am still as confused as ever, but definitely more grounded then when I walked off the plane. If I were smart I'd probably end all communication with him, but he's still calling me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me and all that...which is kind of hard to resist. I am sure when the school year starts and I am busy as all hel_l, this will probably drop off a bit, or maybe all together. But I can't lie, a part of me is like how could you let go of a connection like that...it's not that different that what you described above. And its not just him, but our whole little family of friends that I'd like to see again....but then going back is where i'd really risk my heart I suppose. I do think about the girlfriend, and that situation you mentioned about him trying to visit it you at the same time, could very well happen to me, and you are right, that is just ridiculous. I do think about her and feel bad, but I guess it is easier to feel bad for myself. I for one just wish she knew about me, and then I would be a lot more at peace about the whole thing--because that is how a real open relationship works. The more I feel like a mistress the more I resent the whole situation...it's just so hard for me to get the balls to break ties, because then I will be the one with the what ifs...

What ifs

ok, here is what I experienced a few years back, before I came to my senses

I was living in China and vacationned here for 2 1/2-3 months every year. I met a beach guy, it was fun, we went around Thailand together, I saw places I wouldn't have seen on my own, it was great.

He told me he loved me. He was up-front (I thought) that before he met me he was in love with another woman but she had gone back home and that now they were just friends, even though they still talked on the phone once in a while.

But we talked all the time, almost every day, he missed me, I missed him, I was working and very busy so this relationship was fine. We were together every few months whenever I had holiday time.

Finally, I decide to move to Thailand, he was all for it and we planned what we would do.

However, the other girl came back, the very day I went back home to prepare for my move. He told her he didn't love me. I came back just a few weeks later and I got the news. Poor him, he said he was so confused, he didn't know what to do. Anguish. He chose her.

I was upset, got over it, and now live in Paradise.

In the meantime, the other girl waited for him as they planned for him to join her in her country. But he didn't show to get his visa as she had organized, he even stopped calling her. She found me (internet world is a small place) and emailed me as she was worried about him, she assumed he was back with me. She tought it was unlike him to end contact because he had integrity.

He was not with me, I hadn't seen him in over 8 months but I knew he had found his latest conquest who was funding him to open a clothes store.

What ifs.

My story is not unusual as I have heard similar stories since then.

[bina]

"whole little family of friends that I'd like to see again.."

could that be the attraction; its different to be with someone without all the family/friends bit of the first few months, when u have to deal with family as family and friends as sometimes canbeirritating types etc... (the friend that always shows up for dinner and beer even when u want to be alone etc)...

or maybe u dont have lots of warm family/friends etc so this is new and exciting.... when i married my (now ex) israeli husband, i also married his family, extended and noisy, and friends, including soccer every friday etc, once the newness of me being his girlfriend/wife wore off....

caveat emptor....

Edited August 20, 2006 by bina

[sbk]

I read through the whole of the other topic tbefore reading this one and after reading your first posting in this thread, in my opinion there's not much chance of the relationship developing. Years ago I met a guy who was basically a beach boy and he had a girlfriend in bangkok. he was open about it and I wasn't the first he'd been with but supposedly was the first he really fell for. I don't doubt that he had strong feelings for me as they really did seem to be in the air (or he was a good actor!) but when he wanted to visit me at the same time as visiting his girlfriend in bangkok there was no way was going for that. It was in my 'wild' days so I wasn't looking for a relationship anyhow and I didn't even fancy him all that much so it was easy to make the decision. Something I didn't really think about at the time and maybe you're not thinking of either is what about the girlfriend - while your relationship with this guy might be open, is hers? If it's not, then think of the hurt she might suffer when she finds out about you? If they planned to marry and it's her parents got in the way (which is possible as I've seen it happen before) then they must have been in love with each other and could very well still be.

Thanks for the reply. I am still as confused as ever, but definitely more grounded then when I walked off the plane. If I were smart I'd probably end all communication with him, but he's still calling me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me and all that...which is kind of hard to resist. I am sure when the school year starts and I am busy as all hel_l, this will probably drop off a bit, or maybe all together. But I can't lie, a part of me is like how could you let go of a connection like that...it's not that different that what you described above. And its not just him, but our whole little family of friends that I'd like to see again....but then going back is where i'd really risk my heart I suppose. I do think about the girlfriend, and that situation you mentioned about him trying to visit it you at the same time, could very well happen to me, and you are right, that is just ridiculous. I do think about her and feel bad, but I guess it is easier to feel bad for myself. I for one just wish she knew about me, and then I would be a lot more at peace about the whole thing--because that is how a real open relationship works. The more I feel like a mistress the more I resent the whole situation...it's just so hard for me to get the balls to break ties, because then I will be the one with the what ifs...

What ifs

ok, here is what I experienced a few years back, before I came to my senses

I was living in China and vacationned here for 2 1/2-3 months every year. I met a beach guy, it was fun, we went around Thailand together, I saw places I wouldn't have seen on my own, it was great.

He told me he loved me. He was up-front (I thought) that before he met me he was in love with another woman but she had gone back home and that now they were just friends, even though they still talked on the phone once in a while.

But we talked all the time, almost every day, he missed me, I missed him, I was working and very busy so this relationship was fine. We were together every few months whenever I had holiday time.

Finally, I decide to move to Thailand, he was all for it and we planned what we would do.

However, the other girl came back, the very day I went back home to prepare for my move. He told her he didn't love me. I came back just a few weeks later and I got the news. Poor him, he said he was so confused, he didn't know what to do. Anguish. He chose her.

I was upset, got over it, and now live in Paradise.

In the meantime, the other girl waited for him as they planned for him to join her in her country. But he didn't show to get his visa as she had organized, he even stopped calling her. She found me (internet world is a small place) and emailed me as she was worried about him, she assumed he was back with me. She tought it was unlike him to end contact because he had integrity.

He was not with me, I hadn't seen him in over 8 months but I knew he had found his latest conquest who was funding him to open a clothes store.

What ifs.

My story is not unusual as I have heard similar stories since then.

yes, but finish the story Gisele. Tell us about your non-beach boy that you ended up marrying instead of the loser who strung you along. Seems to me the beach boy did you the biggest favor of your life

[berries]

actually it seems he is being very upfront about things so all you can really do is trust that he will continue to be. the average beach boy might be looking for free sex and money from a foreigner (this is a lot of times why they choose us over the gorgeous thai women)

Who exactly is this 'us'???? Are you saying that there aren't any gorgeous foreign women out there?? Why has noone else picked up on this ridiculous statement. In my experience Thai men often prefer the white skin and bridged nose of foreign women and don't appreciate what the rest of the world sees in Thai women (apart from the ones with white skin and bridged noses of course!). Coupled with the fact that the media, both here in Thailand and internationally portrays western looks (both male and female) as the epitomy of beauty - many Thai men think that the most average looking western woman looks like she's stepped off a Hollywood film set. Just like many Thai woman think that the average western man looks like Brad Pitt. Any time I've ever been to an island in Thailand it's always been overflowing with beautiful people of all nationalities wearing next to nothing. I'm sure these island boys feel like they've died and gone to heaven.

If you had read the whole thread, that is exactly what she was referring to. She is one of "foreign women" that you're referring to, she is a farang lady, just like you!!! You missed the mark on that one...

I totally understood that she is a farang which is why I couldn't beleive that she thinks that Thai men choose foreign women for free sex and money, instead of a 'gorgeous Thai' - implying that there are no gorgeous foreign women.