Two Boyfriends

[tccaux]

Hey Chris,

I'm recently back in LA after six weeks working in Bangkok where I, apparently like so many, fell "in love' with a young Thai man - a sex worker/masseuse. I'm also about to celebrate my 20th anniversary with my domestic partner/lover and best friend here in LA. He's been amazingly understanding as I deal with this emotional roller coaster and seems to be getting that this young man has nothing to do with loving him less. But honestly, are you really making this two love thing work? Your thoughts appreciated.

tccaux

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Hey Chris,

I'm recently back in LA after six weeks working in Bangkok where I, apparently like so many, fell "in love' with a young Thai man - a sex worker/masseuse. I'm also about to celebrate my 20th anniversary with my domestic partner/lover and best friend here in LA. He's been amazingly understanding as I deal with this emotional roller coaster and seems to be getting that this young man has nothing to do with loving him less. But honestly, are you really making this two love thing work? Your thoughts appreciated.

tccaux

Do you play Russian roulette as well ?

[ChrisP]

Well, you're not the first.. neither will you be the last.! [i fell in love with a "bar-boy" last year... and what a roller-coaster ride THAT has been..! ]

Anyway, did you meet him early on.. and spend all 6 weeks with him..?

I think the feeling is more "fell in lust".. with this sex worker.. and a vacation has a lot of the "unrealness" of real life about it to fuel that. It sounds like you still love your Long-Term partner in LA very much., so keep telling him that.. and try and separate your fellings of love and lust from each other.

There's a web-site full of lots of sage advice for those of us who fall for the sex-workers in Thailand... when I find it again I'll post it.

Who knows, maybe one day.. you can all have a 3-way in BKK together..!

ChrisP.

[Bluecat]

Hey Chris,

I'm recently back in LA after six weeks working in Bangkok where I, apparently like so many, fell "in love' with a young Thai man - a sex worker/masseuse.  I'm also about to celebrate my 20th anniversary with my domestic partner/lover and best friend here in LA.  He's been amazingly understanding as I deal with this emotional roller coaster and seems to be getting that this young man has nothing to do with loving him less.  But honestly, are you really making this two love thing work?  Your thoughts appreciated.

tccaux

Do you play Russian roulette as well ?

If you don't, you should because you will sure win,...

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Hey Chris,

I'm recently back in LA after six weeks working in Bangkok where I, apparently like so many, fell "in love' with a young Thai man - a sex worker/masseuse.  I'm also about to celebrate my 20th anniversary with my domestic partner/lover and best friend here in LA.  He's been amazingly understanding as I deal with this emotional roller coaster and seems to be getting that this young man has nothing to do with loving him less.  But honestly, are you really making this two love thing work?  Your thoughts appreciated.

tccaux

Do you play Russian roulette as well ?

If you don't, you should because you will sure win,...

It might be the last thing he'll do

[tccaux]

Chris, yes I spent most of four weeks with him. I was working long days so it wass mostly evenings and weekends. Compared to some of the stories I've read, his request for financial assistance are very limited and I'm usually the one who brings up such subjects. For instance, I requested he pursue his expressed interest in English classes. He sent receipt for cost of class. I may have failed to use any previously held sense of judging character, but the young man seems to be pretty much on the up and up and is more interested about going into business together than extracting cash from me.

dr. pat - no, I don't play Russian roulette but this does feel dangerous. The scary part is how it increasing consumes the preoccupication of my day. Which, understandably, is hard to conceal from my partner. Increasingly, I feel I should just walk away before I really do something crazy.

My partner and I have talked often in recent years about living outside USA and Thailand sure seems a good candidate. We practice a spiritual work rooted in Buddhism and being out of Judeo-Christian cultures is so refreshing. We plan to go to Thailand together in October. (No, I don't plan for them to meet.)

It'd be remarkable if this young man actually became the path to starting a Thai business that made it possible for my partner and I to establish a base there. See, I told you I was thinking crazy...

Thanks for sharing.

tccaux

[mrmnp]

I agree with your self assessment regarding your thinking as carzy.

I learned along time ago that you either have a good sex partner or a good business partner but not both in the same person.

By definition, whether it is secretaries, masseurs or whatever, you either have a good secretary and a bad sex partner or a good sex partner and a bad secretary. To think otherwise is fantasy or crazy thinking by your own self assessment.

Most fisherman will tell you that if you have a light line and a big fish on the hook, you reel it in very carefully and slowly. I am not surprised to hear that your Thai sex worker is using a light lineand reeling you in carefully and slowly.

To put it another way, the more you enjoyed your time with him, the more you must respect his skill in his profession, which is sex and the ability to make you feel loved by him. He sounds wonderful as a professional sex partner, but to take it any further is madness.

[kasi]

good points.

also anyone contemplating falling in love with a thai sex worker should read stephen Leathers's "Private Dancer". http://www.stephenleather.com/unpub.html

Thailand is a great place to lighten up and have fun. Many people do have long term monogamous relationships with sex workers but they are the exeptions rather than the rule. And yes there is a site for the rules: http://www.bangkokrules.net/

remember you are here to have fun.

[ChrisP]

tccaux

Please don't do anything rash... I guarantee you'll regret it later. But I do know how hard it is to rid your head of these feelings.

mrmnp is right.

Mine is getting clearer every day. A good display of anger by my Thai bf helps clarify things..

Also, look at this site for advice from "Uncle E"... many sage words on the topics of Thai relationships...

http://www.floatinglotus.com/enter.html?target=home.html

When you get to this page, look on the Right for a small link to "Dear Uncle E".

If you want to meet in Los Angeles and talk.. do let me know by PM..

ChrisP

[Bluecat]

It'd be remarkable if this young man actually became the path to starting a Thai business that made it possible for my partner and I to establish a base there. See, I told you I was thinking crazy...

Do you really think it is crazy?. As the postings indicate, we all know it is crazy but unfortunately at the back of your mind, there is a small voice telling you maybe, oh yes maybe it will happen and I will be the happiest man on earth,...

Hopefully, come October and your trip to Thailand, you will have waken up,...

[tccaux]

Thanks for the replies guys. It's been very helpful. "Dear Uncle E" is also insightful. Thanks ChrisP.

I can honestly say I feel I'm coming off the "high" of my Thai "drug". My partner is being incredibly understanding and suppportive. Way more than I could be if the situation were reversed. I'm very grateful.

I have more information coming from Thai business associates and will keep the board informed as to the truth vs. fanatasy of a future there.

bests

tccaux

[Deadcert]

The mistake we westerners make is that we judge Thais by our own set of western values and then get upset when things don't go the way we planned.

Someone said to me that getting to know the Thais is like pealing an onion, you peal away one layer only to find another. It takes years to work out what makes them tick. Add to this the insecurities and problems that will surrond someone who works in the sex industry and you have a reciepe for disaster.

My advice, stick with what you know and don't go running after things that will probably end up to be a big fat nothing.

[Guest Lazarus]

Failing that, do what your heart tells you. It's usually the best advice you will get.

[Ijustwannateach]

Anytime you're involved in a BUSINESS TRANSACTION with someone from a bar in Thailand and find yourself saying "he doesn't really care about the money... he's not doing this for the money..." step out and find a good friend who'll stomp on your foot until this feeling goes away. Repeat as necessary.

And anytime you're in doubt about this, reduce your financial input to zero and see how long your hired fellow maintains interest.....

Good luck, TCCAUX. There *are* genuine guys here, but the sex industry comes between most tourists and that kind of guy.

"Steven"

P.S. just a technical note- a male who massages people is a masseur. A masseuse is a female who massages people.

[slapdashkitty]

Very well said "WANNA" however long I stay here I will never get the "falling in love on vacation with a sex worker-giving it all up at home-then painful remorse syndrome?"

If your best friend at home, whilst gathered around a convivial dinner table announced "Gee, I am dating a hooker!" What would the reactions be?

But at last well...maybe he is the winning ticket out of 1,398,897,025?

[Ijustwannateach]

Yep- problem is a lot of the hookers are reeeeal subtle (at least for a newbie here) and do their best NOT to seem like hookers- the money's not for them, after all, it's for the dead buffalo, the sick grandmother, the cousin getting married... and if you don't meet them in a bar, you might not know for awhile (if a newbie) that you are in fact dating a hooker- or that you are not the only one, either!

My best advice on the subject- if you don't mind, then you don't mind- but if you don't want to be dating hookers, DON'T PAY THEM. No "off-fee," no "taxi money," no "dead buffalo" money. Think about how you'd date someone at home (at worst think of yourself as the one who pays on a date) and stick to that.

"Steven"

P.S. And Slapdash, you're right- for god's sake don't quit a job and try to move here for ANYone. If you're a tourist, there's no way you'll figure out if someone's a hooker or not until you move here and they're forced to show their true colors.

[PeaceBlondie]

Perhaps the title of this thread is misleading, but I'll go for it.

Non-commercial gay young Thai men, who are looking for a long term partner, are looking for monogamy. The best you'd get would be a wide-open 3-way, which doesn't really happen. The long term lover wants to be the one and only (as in the West).

Money is money. Love is love. They only come together for those who just love money.

[ChrisP]

The thread topic has (as ever..) become somewhat changed along the way... (A bit like Life, really!).. but nice one, Peaceblondie.

I agree with you.. they really are looking for monogamy - thank God. (like most of the West...)

Having established that cutural need, the problem is just finding those "non-commercial" gay young men.... ah well.

ChrisP

[Ijustwannateach]

I think a number of the non-commercial Thai guys don't mind having 2 boyfriends, as long as they never meet. They sure mind it if WE do, though!

[ChrisP]

Uh, yesss... there is that "double-standard" that some of them just don't seem to see for what it is....

Quite amazing how Thais can compartmentalize things....

ChrisP

[Ijustwannateach]

One of the saddest types of stories I've heard from my friends here is about the couple which consisted of:

the farang

and his gay Thai boyfriend

and the Thai boyfriend's Thai wife

and the Thai boyfriend's Thai boyfriend

all living in the house which Jack built (but the boyfriend owns).

I tell every new boyfriend candidate (after a suitable period of time) this story, and emphasize to them that *I* will not be in the role of that farang. So far, the one guy who became my "official" boyfriend for awhile (my ex) didn't believe me [eventually found out he had 2 or 3 other farang plus maybe a Thai bf and one or two Thai girlfriends, too]. I added him to the story of what I don't put up with in serious boyfriends, for the benefit of future candidates. Remains to be seen if any of these candidates will understand I am serious from the start!!!

"Steven"