mandl Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Found this on a web site years ago. Web page doesn’t come up now but it was: http://wwitch.unl.edu/nhood/trouble.html Bar Troubleshooting Guide Symptom: Driniking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear Fault: Glass empty Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer Symptom: Driniking fails to give taste and satisfaction and the front of your shirt is wet Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique Symptom: Feet cold and wet Fault: Glass being held t incorrect angle Action Required: Turn glass the other way up so that open end points toward ceiling Symptom: Feet warm and wet Fault: Improper bladder control Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house graining and demand a beer as compensation Symptom: Floor swaying Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket Symptom: Floor moving Fault: You are being carried out Action Required: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip Fault: You have fallen over backwards Action Required: If your glass in full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up and lash yourself to the bar Symptom: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts Fault: You have fallen forward Action Required: See above Symptom: Everything has gone dark Fault: Bar is closing Action Required: Panic Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You cannot see your bedroom Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter Action Required: Check your watch, if you still have it, to see if bars are open yet. It not, treat yourself to a lie-in Bottoms Up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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