Advise Requested

[recluse]

I'm a 40ish guy and a gay virgin except for 1 experience with 2 older guys when I was a teen. I have a gf but fantacize constantly about making love to guys when making love with her. I watch gay porn and it turns me on. I find myself going to Silom in hopes of acting out my fantasy but chicken out each time. I've had a farang 40ish guy stop and talk normal BS with me over there; perhaps he was looking for something too? I was a little cold towards him so he backed off. I've been approached by a Thai guy there as well but wasn't attracted to that guy. I keep going over to that area but backing off. What do you guys think? I need to go through with this

[Espada]

be brave! it's not so bad talk with gay guy. we are same human just different tast.

[farang prince]

I'm a 40ish guy and a gay virgin except for 1 experience with 2 older guys when I was a teen. I have a gf but fantacize constantly about making love to guys when making love with her. I watch gay porn and it turns me on. I find myself going to Silom in hopes of acting out my fantasy but chicken out each time. I've had a farang 40ish guy stop and talk normal BS with me over there; perhaps he was looking for something too? I was a little cold towards him so he backed off. I've been approached by a Thai guy there as well but wasn't attracted to that guy. I keep going over to that area but backing off. What do you guys think? I need to go through with this

Don't do it until you are ready. Once you have been to the dark side, you might never go back. In the meantime, you have a fantasy that will get you off on cold nights. By the way, it is very unfair to your gf to be fantasizing about someone else while making love to her.

[PeaceBlondie]

I recognize that symptom. For most of my marriage to a woman, I fantasized that she was a man. I finally noticed that she was missing the most important anatomy, and I found greener pastures.

If you're that curious, it's time to lose your innocence. You can lose it in stages. You can try it and if you don't like it, you can pretend it never happened.

[petecooper]

The other thing that's important when you're making a major step like this is trust. Don't just try and jump into bed with some guy from a bar since that's obviously not something you're comfortable with. Try and actually make friends with some gay people; you'll find you get a support network as well as leading yourself closer to "that big day" when it gets physical! And you'll find when that time comes, it couldn't possibly feel more natural or comfortable.

[Ijustwannateach]

Don't be surprised if there's a little latent homophobia at first, too. Even once I realised I was gay I wasn't ready for full-on sex with a man- it took a lot of thinking, adjustment, and time.

[PeaceBlondie]

Agreed - even after I started experiementing, as an adult, I went through an awkward bisexual stage (am I this, or that, or those?).

[boybrat]

just quit griping and just do it. its only sex. jeesus. like do it already. we are not in the victorian era where you can get presecuted for showing the hem of yr petticoat to the milkman.have fun, play safe.

but DONT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE FIRST MAN YOU DO IT TO!!!!

u seem to me to be a tease. remember, just cos people talk to u, it doesnt mean that he wants to ###### with u! i talk to strangers in the clubs all the time, and sometimes, they think im trying to pick them up, so ill bluntly tell them that im not. heh! so chill, bro.

maybe u did the right thing. never EVER do charity ######s. and u must physically attracted to the person before ending up in bed with him. i did a charity ###### with this really nice guy once and lived to regret it. he was very sweet. he was not ugly...but he was NOT my type. never again.

nothing is worse that ending up in bed with some snaggle toothed, cross eyed, jaundiced pug nosed dumbo eared albino midget with frizzy hair and bad skin. ie: lesson of the day. you must not wake up screaming when u see the face of the person lying nextg to you. cos

you must find him hot, dammit!

Edited October 16, 2006 by boybrat

[TopChinese]

BB, you forget that for some of us, it isn't easy to distinguish between sex and love. For these people, sex with a albino midget with bad hair is only possible if you're married to him.

There are a lot of people out there, gay or otherwise, who still believe in enjoying sexual relations only with people that you are emotionally involved with. Its a pity that so many of us here have forgotten how wonderful it could be to just take your time to get to know someone, on all levels, before doing the dirty deed.

The OP also seems to exhibit a lot of internalised homophobia against his fellow farangs and guilt in his attraction to other men. That's not very uncommon but will remain a stumbling block to overcum before he is able to fully appreciate the pleasures of being with another man.

[recluse]

Hi all. I want to thank you all for your helpful comments, I do appreciate it greatly. I plan to be more open to pursuits like the one from the farang I described in my OP. The guy was OK. That occurred during one of my 1st ventures over to that area so I was a little ambivalent and not sure what to expect. I think now I have a firmer grip on that and will be much more open to allow and and encourage a situation like that to develop. The guy in question acknowledged me with a head nod to which I acknowledged back. This was from a distance on the sky train platform. Then we entered the train at opposite ends of the car and he came over to me as we got going and started conversation. I wasn't sure what was going on at the moment but later(after the fact) thought he was pursuing me. I realize now that this is exactly what I want so I have a few regrets about that but will move forward

[endure]

I agree with boybrat. Just go out and have a shag. Once you've decided whether you like the mechanical bits you can then embark on the great adventure.

[jerry921]

My advice is a little different from the 'just do it' crowd. I suspect that by the time you wind yourself up to do it, 'just doing it' will leave you feeling pretty let down. For example, I think going out and getting sloshed to the point where your current inhibitions and shyness are fuzzed out is going to end up with a bad experience.

What I recommend is for you to find yourself an attractive young acquaintance with decent English skills and date him. Don't worry at all at first about whether he's gay or straight or flexible, or whether you are straight or bi or whatever. Just take him out to dinner and see if you can't have a good time talking and being with him.

There are 4 steps to being gay, and different people take them in different orders. Almost all combinations are possible:

- You eroticize the male body, you get turned on by thinking about guys naked, you think about guys during solo or straight sexual activity and discover that it's exciting for you.

- You have sex (broadly defined, not the narrow Clinton definition) with a guy (or two).

- You look in the mirror and say 'I'm gay' (or bi). This involves the realization that you sex with guys is at least as exciting for you as sex with women.

- You discover the ability to form a significant emotional attachment to another guy, that you like being with a guy, especially one on one. Perhaps you fall in love with a guy, or develop a crush on a guy.

From what you wrote I'd say you've definitely experienced the first of these, and are part of the way along on the third. What you didn't give any clue about is where you're at on the 4th. If your attraction to other guys is just about sex, then you won't be wanting or having a relationship. You could end up joining the large number of guys who go for no-strings anonymous sex in a stinky bathroom with someone they never see again. Perhaps that's all you would want and you'd be happy that way. Obviously I'm not into that myself. Personally, I tried it a little and it made me feel less happy, not more happy.

So I recommend testing out how you do in a deep-friendship level relationship before whipping your, er, zipper down. If it turns out the guy you pick isn't gay or isn't interested in sex, it's no real loss, since you were just in it for the friendship yourself. If it develops naturally into something physical, then great.

And in Thailand there should be no shortage of attractive young guys willing to be 'eating friends' with you, as long as you're paying for dinner. You may have to work a little bit to avoid ending up buying dinner for your friend and all of his friends. If he wont go out with you one-on-one, then look for another guy. After a while the relationship will either be going someplace or it won't, but either way you'll know more about what you want and will feel comfortable with.

[D+D]

I agree with boybrat. Just go out and have a shag. Once you've decided whether you like the mechanical bits you can then embark on the great adventure.

Not a good idea. Could leave you with a nasty experience and a bad taste in the mouth. .Far better to find a nice guy and not just any guy, as jerry said.

Good luck

[boybrat]

oh gawd. its only sex. not rocket science. just do it, get it done and over with and see if u can have a guys tongue in yr mouth without u gagging when u feel his stubble against yr chin.when u KNOW that its cock u want and not scary female bits, then we'll talk.

go for a test drive. if u like the feeling of the gearshift in yr hand, then uve passed the initiation.

Btw, ive never had anonymous toilet sex ever. now THAT is skanky. meet a chap at a nice club and take him for a test drive. AND DONT FALL IN LOVE! go for more test drives cos practice makes perfect.

wont be too difficult in thailand. even fat ugly and decrepit farang men that i wouldnt touch while im wearing a radiation suit can get laid here! just dont be dumb and fall in love too quickly!!!! those thai boys can REALLY sweet talk, dont fall for any of that bullcrap, especially when they start asking for $. ive got many farang men who were duped and blinded by "love" only to regret it when the relationships over.

honestly, i find sex with nice guys boring. love sex with NASTY guys. mmhhpphh!

come on bro. all together now:

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

Edited October 18, 2006 by boybrat

[endure]

oh gawd. its only sex. not rocket science. just do it, get it done and over with and see if u can have a guys tongue in yr mouth without u gagging when u feel his stubble against yr chin.when u KNOW that its cock u want and not scary female bits, then we'll talk.

go for a test drive. if u like the feeling of the gearshift in yr hand, then uve passed the initiation.

Precisely. What's the point of spending 3 months developing a 'deep friendship' and then finding that you don't like the wobbly bits? 10 minutes behind the bikesheds will decide whether your fantasies are simply that or something more substantial.

[D+D]

oh gawd. its only sex.

It's not only sex. The Op has confused feelings about his sexual identity. its not a simple case of go get a shag and all will be sorted. There is an emotional side as well as the physical. Even though I knew I was gay when i was 12 I waited until I was 24 before starting a sexual relationship. i'm sure the Op will find the way that's right for him. the fact that he had a sexual encounter when he was a teen and watches gay porn and fantasizes being with a man when having sex, pretty much means he will enjoy gay sex. so better find a nice guy and explore the physical and emotional sides together imho. But whatever works for you go for it!

[Ijustwannateach]

Nice discussion, everyone. I especially liked your post, Jerry921.

"Steven"

[PeaceBlondie]

Indeed, and D+D's post #16 was also very good.

Sex is different things to different people, not only gender orientation, but in other ways.

[dukkha]

Gay sera sera, what will be will be...did I get the lyrics correct PB?

[boybrat]

quite right , o padawan!

just do it already. enough drama. the next minute we'll have julie andrews popping out of the blue and we'll all dance and sing in curtain material to do re mi.

do it! do it! do it! do it! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u dont know what u are missing. its fun!!!!!!!!! and all the cool kids do it! even bobby jo and lorna mae from next door.

and i swear i saw mary ann getting it on at the drive in!

*screaammm*

Edited October 19, 2006 by boybrat

[Targus]

quite right , o padawan!

just do it already. enough drama. the next minute we'll have julie andrews popping out of the blue and we'll all dance and sing in curtain material to do re mi.

do it! do it! do it! do it! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u dont know what u are missing. its fun!!!!!!!!! and all the cool kids do it! even bobby jo and lorna mae from next door.

and i swear i saw mary ann getting it on at the drive in!

*screaammm*

I love your humour Boybrat..........

[jerry921]

With all this contrary advice and no followup from the OP, I'm now wondering if the whole thing was just a troll. Although usually trolls can't resist a follow up to fan the flames. But, as boybrat said, even trolls can get laid in thailand!

[Ijustwannateach]

Chances are you're right, Jerry- this kind of "am I gay?" post, usually with tired references to ladyboys, is often a trollish kind of post... but this one sparked a good discussion, anyway. It's sad that there might be one or two people out there who really want to ask this question- so it's nice that we've all shown a lot of good sense and restraint. Maybe we helped someone else, even if it wasn't the opening poster.

[petecooper]

Actually the OP has replied, see post #10, with thanks and sensible comment. I don't think it's a troll, just someone who asked for a helping hand, and kudos to everyone who offered that with their comments. I know when I was coming out I'd have loved to have a resource like this to ask questions on and garner support.

[recluse]

Hey there guys. Not a troll thread I assure you. I am very sincere on this and appreciate all responses. Thank you Coop for realizing my sincerity on this. Again, thanks to all and I will be reporting back when I go thru with this and that won't be too far off.

[Ijustwannateach]

Apologies, recluse, if I misjudged you.

[boybrat]

quite right , o padawan!

just do it already. enough drama. the next minute we'll have julie andrews popping out of the blue and we'll all dance and sing in curtain material to do re mi.

do it! do it! do it! do it! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u dont know what u are missing. its fun!!!!!!!!! and all the cool kids do it! even bobby jo and lorna mae from next door.

and i swear i saw mary ann getting it on at the drive in!

*screaammm*

I love your humour Boybrat..........

tee hee. glad u find me amusing. some people think im a prat..(.ohh the pratty bratty. how fabulous is THAT??!!). but i dont care really.

i mean just like do IT already.

[Targus]

quite right , o padawan!

just do it already. enough drama. the next minute we'll have julie andrews popping out of the blue and we'll all dance and sing in curtain material to do re mi.

do it! do it! do it! do it! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u dont know what u are missing. its fun!!!!!!!!! and all the cool kids do it! even bobby jo and lorna mae from next door.

and i swear i saw mary ann getting it on at the drive in!

*screaammm*

I love your humour Boybrat..........

tee hee. glad u find me amusing. some people think im a prat..(.ohh the pratty bratty. how fabulous is THAT??!!). but i dont care really.

i mean just like do IT already.

I don't think you are a prat.....I think you are funny !!