my wifes boss is flirting with her

[ghworker2010]

My wife’s was the ‘acting boss’ at her workplace for a while whilst they were searching for a new head of dept’ . A month ago they announced the new boss and everyone in the office started the gossip train. The reason is because the new guy has a reputation for sexual harassment.

His history

- Last year a major govt’ dept’ wrote a letter last yr to another department saying that they will not be sending any new female graduates to this centre for training- because there had been many complaints against this guy. Obviously it’s a joke that he has been promoted to a management role at my wifes office… this is Thailand.

- This guy is a specialist in his field and has an ego to match. At a dinner with the team he said to them all ‘I want you all to forget the past and be in the present blah blah’. He's quite a large, overweight guy. I watched him at the head of the table stuffing his face, eating with his mouth open- as if he was a king at a medieval supper.

- At another dinner with the team, where I was not present, a ‘friend’ of his who has high rank in the local army attended. He said in front of everyone how well connected he is with the army and police.

Its like he is playing mind games with his staff.

- The big boss of the whole province discussed with my wife (prior to his arrival at work) about this guys reputation and kind of warned her.

- The team talk a lot about his alleged drinking issues.

- His performance in the 1st 4 weeks at work has proven his incompetence. He was supposed to present a seminar in front of all the important delegates last week and pulled out at the last minute resulting in my wife taking charge. He still relies on my wife to do the work for him.

Since starting his new position:

-In only a few weeks this guy has made a suggestive comment about my wife’s clothes. ‘do you wear these types of clothes everyday… you look very attractive blah blah’.

- In the first few days he touched my wife on her shoulder and said something as she walked away.

- A few days ago on Line there was a group chat going on and he made a comment which had sexual connotations directed at my wife. Something about him 'being on top and my wife being underneath him'.

- On Line he keeps making strange philosophical statements to the team. i.e. ‘Lets all live in the present and treat people the way we all want to be treated….’ All the team talk about him behind his back about how weird he is and basically don’t respect him.

My concerns:

- I was really angry about the Line comment and lucky that we were out of town when it happened as I might have paid him a visit which might not have ended well.

- I worry what I might do if he touches my wife on the ass or something. I feel it’s only a matter of time.

- My assessment of the guy is that he has mental health issues. In his own sick way he seeks gratification from touching/ harassing women using his power and authority and he knows there are no repercussions.

Solution?

He can’t speak English and my Thai is not very good. Possible solutions are below. Options B and C would be done in a calm and low key manner:

A. Do nothing. Let it all slide. Try to control my western ways of thinking….TIT

B. Visit the guy by myself and present a screen shot of the Line comment with pre-prepared sentences typed on A4 paper stating…. 1. I don’t want you to disrespect my wife by making comments on Line like this again. Do you understand? 2. If it happens again I will come back with my wife’s two brothers, father, mother and big boss. We can all talk about it together. Do you understand?

C. Visit the guy taking the 2 brothers, father and mother asking him to stop

____________________________

It’s hard for me to do nothing and let this slide. However, if I cross this crazy guy and make him lose face, who knows what the repercussions could be for me. It is for this reason that option C might be the best solution. It could make him modify his behaviour and prevent any further bad behaviour.

At the end of the day this guy is a simple (immature), fat, podgy, ugly old looking guy who does what he wants with women. My wife is 20 yrs his youth (attractive/ smart) and she tells me she feels this guy likes her. If I do nothing I could lose my cool if he does touch her on her ass or whatever.

Whats your opinion?

thanks

[pmarlin]

D. Have her quit, she can find another job.

[Gary A]

I think you are insecure. If it were my wife in that position, I have confidence that she could take care of herself quite well.

[Brewster67]

Leave it up to your wife. I am sure she can rebuff him in the Thai way.

I believe you are thinking too much into this.

Your western ways won't work here in Thailand, same as my western ways don't work, I have realised that much in my time here.

[ubonjoe]

A inflammatory post and replies to it has been removed. Please keep the discussion civil.

[Agent Sumo]

Your wife is a grown woman and can probably handle the situation perfectly well without you puffing out your chest

You're far more likely to end up making yourself look like an idiot and, worse, embarrassing the hell out of your wife in front of her colleagues

[55Jay]

My wife recounted similar experiences when working in one company in BKK. Horn Dog Boss Man was openly suggestive about her becoming a member of his mia noi harem. I don't blame him, she's attractive and has a nice bum! But, she rebuffed the advances and moved on to another job, and became a regional supervisor in the process.

[wprime]

Get her to quit her job then sue the previous company for the loss of income your wife suffers between jobs.

[tifino]

...whatever you say to her about it - she will react badly to falang speak, and take it ( or twist it) that you are also suspicious of HER

[bkksteve123]

Trust your wife.

Thailand 101: avoid confrontation. Don't make a thai lose face.

Whatever you do, do not do option B or C, this will not lead to anything good, in fact it may lead to disaster. What will most likely happen if you confront the thai boss: the boss will lose face, and when a Thai loses face, all bets are off.

[55Jay]

Attend the next office party. Tape a cucumber to your thigh under your trousers and have your wife casually introduce you to the offending boss.

Then you can laugh at home later knowing Boss man will be having cold sweat nightmares about finally bedding your wife but, in the moment of truth, she looks up into his eyes and, in a bored tone of voice, asks, "Is it in yet?"

Sorted!

[tubby johnson]

Attend the next office party. Tape a cucumber to your thigh under your trousers and have your wife casually introduce you to the offending boss.

Then you can laugh at home later knowing Boss man will be having cold sweat nightmares about finally bedding your wife but, in the moment of truth, she looks up into his eyes and, in a bored tone of voice, asks, "Is it in yet?"

Sorted!

I don't need a cucumber for that.

[F4UCorsair]

Attend the next office party. Tape a cucumber to your thigh under your trousers and have your wife casually introduce you to the offending boss.

Then you can laugh at home later knowing Boss man will be having cold sweat nightmares about finally bedding your wife but, in the moment of truth, she looks up into his eyes and, in a bored tone of voice, asks, "Is it in yet?"

Sorted!

I don't need a cucumber for that.

What you're saying is...........I'm not called 'donkey' because I'm stupid?

[cms22]

Mate, something similar happened to my wife. But you gotta be cool. Me and my wife laugh about it, and indeed I'm a little proud that my wife, now of 35 years, still gets to turn heads. But I know for a fact that my wife would never let some creepy Thai guy near her. She's got too much class. Respect your wife, have a laugh about this with her and don't let it get you down. Cheers!

[JacChang]

Alright, there has been too many mention of asses. We need pictures.

[MrBanks]

I am firmly in the let your wife handle it camp. She has told you about it so you have no fears there, she has been open and I would say by telling you she has proved that she has no interest in the jerk.

Let her handle it the Thai way and you just let her know that you support her 100%, you are right behind her, even if she feels the need to quit and move to another job.

You say that she already has to cover for the guy's bad performance, if she hands in her notice to the big boss perhaps questions will be asked and the situation sorted, she may even become the permanent boss herself.

Good luck to you, keep a cool head, let her discuss it with you, show support and let her and if need be your family handle it, do not do option B or C, you will end up the looser!!

[KIWIBATCH]

yes agreeing with previous posters...don't go the option B and C...it would be disastrous and even dangerous for you to do so....it doesn't matter for what reason whatsover in the whole world...make a thai lose face.....and all hell could let loose on YOU.

I feel certain your wife can handle this situation...just you remain calm...don't make to bigger issue of it in front of your wife...it not as though she loves they guy or even likes him.

At the end of the day as another poster has intimated...she can resign if it gets to uncomfortable for her to work alongside him...and based on the previous behaviour of this guy (as you posted)...sue the sh*t out of the company she currently works for if she is forced to resign...sexual harrassment...loss of earning...loss of face (haha)...stress...not eating as a result of the stress caused...cannot sleep...losing weight as a result of the stress...

.hell I reckon there at least 100 good lawyers ready and waiting to take on her case (if it results in your good wife having to resign her position)

[humqdpf]

It is hard to know exactly how to go forward in this situation because organisations are so different.

But one thing is clear - this is Thailand and therefore forget about trying the direct confrontation approach - you do not have enough evidence to form a patter yet and he can make you and your wife lose face.

Instead, assuming that your wife is interested, your wife should document all his bad moves in the following way, by writing to him preferably by email to point out every so politely some of the problems. The approach could be as follows:

"Dear Boss, I know that you probably did not mean to touch me in the way it happened but I feel that I must write to you about it so as to clear the air . . . "

One touch, one stupid word, no one is going to mind. But a volume of emails containing a pattern of sexual harassment with all his nonsense documented and his non-response or lame responses - priceless!

For instance, if his drinking is affecting his work or staff are leaving because of his behaviour, this can be documented on the basis that "Ms X is leaving because she says . . ." This way, your wife does not get stuck with taking sides against him. She is only reporting what she has been told.

If he starts phone stalking her in any way, record it all. Record phone conversations that are suggestive and keep a diary of everything so that you know what activity started when.

The point is then to think strategically - given your description of his character, your wife can make him so dependent on her for turning out the good work that he will behave towards her if he is afraid of losing her and therefore having his non-performance exposed. Bosses do not realise how dependent they are on their good staff - your wife can simply offer her notice if he continues to act up.

If this option is not open to her, she should pick her time when she has enough evidence and go to whoever is above him or HR and say that she is being forced out of her job because of this guys behaviour and can show the pattern of behaviour, including all the time when she had to take over because he was hungover or whatever. If she cannot get any response from the organisation, then it might be time to move on and possibly take legal action.

If there is no one above him (he owns the company or whatever), then all she can do is go legal.

But if there is no way of getting rid of him, then she should either move on or move to a different role to get away from him.

As regards this guys's connections with the army or police, it is amazing how people with such connections can have those connections used against them if there is blowback. No one wants to be associated with an <deleted>; favours have to be returned and can be used up very quickly.

If it is really the case that this guy is wired to God and no one in the organisation above him will do anything and he can have anyone in the Kingdom killed or hurt on a whim (all of which I most sincerely doubt!), then it is time for your wife to move on and find another job.

Good luck

[robertson468]

Unless your Wife actually asks you to intervene, I would suggest you allow her to use her own judgement and ability to handle this creep. Also what makes you think that Father, Brother and Mother would come along and back up your rant at this Guy? Not the Thai way old son!

[crazydrummerpauly]

Unless i missed something....what's he Actually done that is so terrible ? Reading into quite small incidents a lot that is actually drawn from his reputation and mannerisms ? As for direct confrontation for almost nothing that's occurred - nuts. And worth bearing in mind - flirting is completely routine in LoS. If you read your post again with a cool head, the majority of it is taken up with comments about his incompetence, his weirdness, his fatness, etc...It has all got conflated with imagined fears of true harrassment.

[mesterm]

Ask her if she wants you to confront him. Act based on her recommendation.

[Dixie Normus]

What does your wife think you should do?

[impulse]

This is one of those situations that, bad as it may seem- it's quite possible, even easy to make it worse if you bulldoze into it without a complete picture of the company and local culture.

[ThailandLOS]

If you got any balls whatsoever, this guy needs to be confronted in a controlled but decisive manner!

Going alone would be the best option (your are not picking a fight just making a clear point), but given the language barrier I suggest you bring in a Thai speaker.

[D3030]

I think you are insecure. If it were my wife in that position, I have confidence that she could take care of herself quite well.

Think he is insecure?

No doubt about it..

[umbanda]

Nothing uncommon on the Country of Gossips. Better to ignore it, and let Thais to resolve in their way.....

[Enoon]

Make absolutely certain that no-one, other than your wife, is aware of your concerns.

Speak well of him to other people.

Whatever takes place in the future will be nothing to do with you.

[gandalf12]

If it was my wife I would not be so laid back. Yes I know she can take care of such things but I would consider it an insult that he feels he can talk to her like that and no one but no one insults my wife without suffering the consequences.

[fatyank]

raging westerners!

[D3030]

Too funny..

Option B.

Visit the guy by myself.....1. I dont want you to disrespect my wife by making comments on Line like this again. Do you understand? 2. If it happens again I will come back with my wifes two brothers, father, mother and big boss. We can all talk about it together. Do you understand?

So....

You claim, you would man up and confront the guy alone.

What's your plan when he denies the accusations, then gives you the F*** Off smile or laughs in your face?

Run home and go with option C?

Or, since your standing there and not out of town???

Anyway...

You're going to make it, a more nasty situation for your wife with all of your plans..

Let your wife handle it... It's her job and boss, not the guy next door..