Programming Languages Compared To Females

[John_Betong]

There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult

to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other

hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide

for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women

they would be if programming languages were women.

ABAP/4 - The german lovechild of COBOL. All the plumpness with none of the charm.

ActionScript 3 - Young and dynamic. Likes to flash. Easily brings former Java’s

clientele to bed by showing how to achieve quick orgasm with XML. But when the

quick foreplay is over, her clients realize that sex is sex, and you have to

work in bed as hard as with aging lady Java to achieve real satisfaction.

Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules,

but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always

spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her

though, because the army says so.

ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and

sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still

talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted

much of her cooking.

ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few

men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss

her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take

just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that

she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals

for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't

talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her

recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror

writing.

Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is

hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any

meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or

educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC". She has a fierce

and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.

BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young

boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them

many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their) first

experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover

the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre,

but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that

adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce

their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults

try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well

behaved women like Miss Pascal.

C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an

good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say

(through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still

quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a

fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.

C# - The pimp from next door! She likes copying everything, from recipes to

makeup to fashion. She is never original and likes to still other women's ideas,

then go about shouting that the ideas are hers. Those who are not aware of her

source of ideas think she is very intelligent. She is very talkative and showy.

Sometimes she is very good at perfecting what she has copied.

C#/.NET - An expensive prostitute with STDs. She's very efficient, because after

all, time is money. She will cost you an arm and a leg, and you'll wake up in

the morning with an odd burning sensation that will be hard to get rid of. Her

pimp may come back randomly to ask for more payment for the services that you

already paid for.

COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can

be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated

jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working

with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

ColdFusion - She's a wholesome mid-Western beauty with an easy smile. She is

gentle and forgiving, but can be quite a vixen with experienced men. Sometimes

her forgiving nature teaches young men bad habits that get them into trouble

later. She only knows how to cook Swiss food (her first love was Tim Berners-

Lee), but she cooks it as well as anyone. She was starting to look a little old,

but recently she got a personal trainer and a face-lift and has come back hotter

than ever. Her sugar daddy is possessive and men have to pay him for the

privilege of being with her, but he has taught her some new tricks that have

everyone raving about her again. Normally she is patient and very clear, but if

she gets really pissed she'll throw up in the middle of a meal and refuse to

serve any more food. ColdFusion is one HOT woman with 8 arms and a memory that

would stump an elephant. She works with MySQL like they grew up in the same

trailer park. Now living somewhere on the exotic Vancouver Island, she treats us

all with love and efficiency.

FORTH - Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the

farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins

that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal

sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time

jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but

usually not for their efficiency.

FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she

is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences

and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in

sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) that no younger women can match, so be

thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered

will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made

grand dad search for another wife.

Haskell - A cruel Russian baroness with respect to conversation. Changing the

subject or talking about a different type of subject requires a back-breaking

explaination. Very elegant, nimble, and short-tempered, she will do anything, as

many times as you want, and never fail any test that you give to her, as long as

it is exactly in her terms with a hint of Russian dialect. Speak kindly of the

motherland, and Haskell is putty in your hands.

HyperCard - Disavowed mother of VB, early ancestor of the world wide web. Not

wealthy or sophisticated but lovely and forgiving. Could only bake loaves of

bread, but any man in need for such would not go away unsatisfied. Lived her

life within the confines of the small town in which she was born. Rest in peace.

Java - Bulky with big boobs. Does everything you want but slowly. Hardly

complains about how you want it in bed. The kind of woman who is not sexy, but

gives you amazing satisfaction. You have tried several women, but this one

doesn't get off your mind so you always go back to her.

JavaScript - She's the confused girl that kind of had a rough start. To begin

with, many men thought she was just easy, and didn't think very highly of her,

but recently, tides have been changing in her favor as they have started to

discover her true qualities; she's not a fast cook and can't cary heavy load,

but she's free spirited and can flex her nimble body in the most exsotic ways.

LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie

cousins. Her efficiency is not that much when compared to several other women

but her hippie style gets the job done really well.

LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish

you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting

conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course

meals.

LUCID - A clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can

cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description

of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and

have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly,

and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe

would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are

fully mature.

Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her

mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her

sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only

if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

Perl - A she-bitch of a mercenery, armed with every hand weapon known to man[/b] --

a katana to splice() you with, and throwing *'s to "match" whatever you throw at

her. She isn't usually called on to cook; instead, folks send her on special

one-time missions which need to be done Right Now. Ask her about a mission you

sent her on six months ago, however, and she'll have to kill you. Perl is

perhaps one of the most beautiful or most ugly women you will ever see,

depending on the light and company. In good company, Perl is the envy of other

woman in town because she is capable of just about anything. She is a certified

Iron Chef and excellent cook. She rarely looks at a cookbook, which means she

can produce some amazing dishes in the time it takes most other women to read a

recipe.

PHP - Slick and slim lady. Very portable. Does nice and amazing things with her

small body. Very good in aerobics. Not very sexy but intact. She is the kind of

women that most men are happy to wed, though she will need a house maid because

she is unable to carry heavy workload. A younger relative of Miss Perl, this fun

loving lady prefers picking up her gents on the Internet. While not as versatile

a cook or lover, she has many exotic features which make her feel more

sophisticated than she really is. She is very naive and has been taken advantage

of many times. She appeals to many beginners who find her charms beguilling.

Like Miss Basic, she is often a "first" and teaches a few bad habits. She has

been getting better at controlling her anger lately, but is still most likely to

flame you in her blog than to tell you how she feels face to face. Her recipes

trend toward Chinese cuisine: Delicious and immediately satifying, not too

expensive, but unfulfilling in the long term.

PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high

heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight

and tacky. Tastes change.

Powerbuilder - The Queen that all men desire, but few ever find. The ultimate in

Maid/Master processing ;handling your 2 acre library with ease. She is somewhat

complex, but after you learn what turns her on, she will show you a great time.

Prolog - In her mid 30's and hardly a teenager- see: She is an experienced woman

that many men fear because she is intelligent, with a mind of her own. She finds

her own way to complete any job given to her. She needs no recipe, just

accurately describe what you what you want and she'll find a way to get it done.

She is known for taking her time ever so often. She is a favorite of men who are

into strong willed intelligent women and not afraid of giving up control.

Python - The all complete lady who is the envy of the town. She came up with a

slick new way of dressing that made her a hit. Those who initially scoffed at

her new dressing later fell head over heals for it. She is not talkative, but

when she does a job, she does it very well. Python forces you to do everything

the right way but you are a better man because of it. While most of the women on

the page want you do to all the work, Ms. Python will cook, clean, plumb,

landscape, and f??k your brains out. Just make sure you watch your indents.

Rexx - Is a bimbo, she even counts on her fingers but she is one of the most

cuddly and amiable women out there. She doesn't know how to cook, though, but

you might consider this unimportant, as you can teach her what she needs to

know. However, she refuses to wear clothes, which would likely make her a poor

choice to introduce to your friends.

Ruby - Hot little 18 year old Japanese college girl. She likes to get it on and

is very open minded. She's really smart and has a lot going on in her life. Your

mom will not approve of you dating her, but she is fun for a while. She just

recently learned English, but she speaks it relatively well.

Ruby on Rails - The new girl in town. Everybody is talking about her. Very

beautiful and sexy. Only daring men, because she is till new, have the guts to

ask her out. She is modern and sophisticated. Already a lot of myth is

surrounding her with regards to her ability. She is not talkative but looks

rather very intelligent.

Smalltalk - The beautiful, intelligent and middle aged elementary school

teacher who lives on your block. She's shy, so most guys who would appreciate

her haven't given her the chance she deserves, but when they do, they rarely go

back. Was once a glamorous model in her youth, but has matured in a way that

those who persue her can't help but find her elegant and even a bit mysterious.

Her daughter Java, born of a drunken evening spent with C++, has tried in vain

to imitate her but with mixed results, coming off as a cheap imitation, usually

wearing too much eye shadow and clothes that don't fit. Granddaughters Ruby and

Python have done a little better by her, but are still struggling through their

adolescence, trying to grow up and find their way.

Visual Basic - The little bitch from next door. Probably

the most dumb girl in town. She never turns a man down and all the boys in the

neighbourhood use her as a training ground as they learn the ropes to adulthood.

She never practise safe sex and regularly infects the whole system with memory

leaks. Popularly known as VB, she is so loose a lot of fathers have spanked

their sons for dating her. However, it is amazing how popular she is. Most men

curse themselves once they taste lips of mature and sweet women. A lot of men

have struggled to maintain decent relationships with mature women after being

spoiled by this little brat! She doesn't have a clue how to cook a complete

decent meal without throwing up into the pot! VB is like a pornstar that

somewhere along the line lost her standards in mating. Her obscured sense of

selection makes her an easy target for anybody willing, but only the most

experienced partners will make her do anything interesting in bed. Unfortunately

she will live in infamy from all those years of unprotected sex. Doesnt help

that her father was a scandalous politician who made millions off the people and

then fled the country - leaving a tons of half- assed and unfinished projects in

his wake.

Source:

http://just-humour.blogspot.com/2006/11/pr...e-women-by.html

[suegha]

Very, very clever!