3 Jokes

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Blonde

There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only

erotic shop.

The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would

like the red vibrator. He takes it down off the shelf and says "ok

that'll be $20." She pays and goes off on her merry way.

The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the

yellow vibrator. He take the yellow one off the shelf and says "ok,

miss, that'll be $20." She pays and goes off on her merry way.

The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says, "yes, sir, I would

like the plaid one please." The man turns around to see the "plaid

vibrator" and smiling, says "that'll be $75." The blonde pays and goes

off on her merry way.

The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were

that day. He replies, "Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for

$20 each, and I sold your thermos to some lady for 75 bucks!"

How to Bath the Cat

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add cup of pet shampoo to the water

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog.