Zyxel

I laugh in the face of death. I’ve been asked to leave many funerals.

A Pastor noticed that the wealthiest man in the community had never donated to the church. One day, the Pastor decided to call him. "Good day," the Pastor began, "I've heard that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd consider donating to our church." The man replied, "Pastor, did you know that my mother is suffering from a chronic illness and can't afford her medical bills?" The Pastor stammered, "No, I didn't..." "And did you know that my sister's husband passed away, leaving her broke with four children and no job?" the man continued. "I'm so sorry to hear that," but the man interrupted. "Or my brother, a disabled veteran confined to a wheelchair, facing long wait lists at the VA just to see a doctor?" The Pastor was left speechless. The man then said, "And I don't give any money to them, so why the hell would I give any money to you?"

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey. He takes a sip and then spits it out. "I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac." The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again. "This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!" The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says: "This one's on the house." The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" The bartender says, “Now tell me, how old am I?"

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange: • Officer: May I see your driver's license? • Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? • Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it. • Officer: The motorcycle is stolen? • Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag? • Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags. • Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!? • Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation: • Captain: Sir, can I see your license? • Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. • Captain: Who's motorcycle is this? • Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. • Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it? • Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag. • Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them. • Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs. • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags. • Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.