Zyxel

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

A guy with a lisp goes to a bar, he approaches the service desk and says “Excuth me, could I have a beer pleathe?” The bartender replies “Thure, hereth your beer.” ”Hey! Thop imitating me.” ”No, I thpeak this way too.” ”Oh….I gueth that’th alright then.” Just then another customer comes in and says “Can I have a beer please?” and the bartender says “Yep, sure thing mate.” The guy with the lisp is pissed. “Hey! You were imitating me.” The bartender comes over and says “No, I wath imitating the other guy.”

The reporter had a deadline to come up with a column in a few hours and was desperate. He noticed three old men sitting on a park bench and immediately decided to do a human-interest story. He introduced himself and asked them if they would tell him their secret to living a long life. The first man said that he always stayed away from alcohol, tobacco and spicy food, so he had remained healthy. “How old are you?”, the reporter asked. “I’m 81”, the man replied. The second man said that he owed his long life to staying away from fast women, being true to his wife of 60 years, working hard, getting a lot of exercise and getting to bed and rising early. “How old are you?”, the reporter asked. “I’m 86, the man answered. The third man looked haggard and emaciated. His hand, holding a cigarette, shook. He said,” I smoke cigarettes, cigars and weed and I’ll sniff some cocaine if I can get it. I’ve got a pint of whiskey in my coat pocket that will be gone in a few hours but I have an 18 pack of Bud waiting for me at home that I’ll probably finish tonight. I love spicy food and can eat ghost peppers raw. I have a wife and 3 girlfriends and usually have sex with all of them at least a couple times a week. I like to play cards with my friends so I hardly ever go to bed before 2 AM and I get up when I feel like it. “Amazing!” said the reporter, And how old are you?” “I’m 27”, the man replied.

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

The other day I came home from work and my wife was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend. Stunned, I asked, "What's going on here?" My wife replied, "You tell me." I told her, "It looks like you're sitting here with some total stranger." My girlfriend stood up and said, "Stranger? We've been sleeping together for months!" I turned to my wife and asked, "My God, is this true?"