scottiejohn

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran” A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army and saw action in the Falklands. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash. The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, “Muchas gracias, señor!”

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp we stumbled upon fresh tracks. It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it: a low, guttural sound from behind. I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leapt from the shadows, teeth and claws bared, ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr!!!!’ I sh@t my pants.” “Of course I'm not surprised that you sh!t in your pants back then, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!” “No, Not then. Just right now when I went, ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!!!!!’” Oh No!!!

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's penis and began to work back. 'Dear Lord,' The medical officer suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your balls?' The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'Afghanistan.'

Rubbish you will still get updates, I do!

Maybe to you!

At least he does not seem to "wanna be like you"!

It is actually quite simple! If at the street food stall all you can see is a bucket with dirty plates and utensils then walk away. If however you see a hose and a tap and clean dishes and utensils you are possibly good to go.

To what?

Another trash comment!

I just knew you were going to rubbish this topic. Lets just bin it!

You should have put the word "some" before your crass statement! Your comment does NOT apply to ALL Thai people as you imply!

NO!

Do it in 2x400,000 Baht batches when you do not need to keep 800,000 in the a/c! PS; I can never remember if it is 2 or 3 months after extension!

It might be a so called "trans man" but if it has a womb it must still be a woman!

If it has a fertile womb it is a WOMAN!

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I think we should sweep this debris under the carpet until a new broom comes along and cleans this mess up!

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?" "Yes, I filled their tank right to the top and put the lid on tight."

Are you trying to trash our deposits?

I just bought a new hat... ...with a built-in fan that keeps my head cool during hot weather. It really blows my mind.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the crop tops and short skirts... Although it does make me look a bit gay.

Scam alert! Men beware; During the recent hot weather here in the UK we have had a couple of young women operating a scam at our local supermarket. They offer a while-you-wait car valeting service - you just drive in and while you sit there, one of them washes the outside of the car while the other vacuums the inside. They're both really fit-looking and wear skimpy shorts and sleeveless T-shirt. What happens is that while the one outside is leaning across to clean the windscreen, with her wet T-shirt pressed up against the glass and really leaving very little to the imagination, the one inside will take advantage of your distraction to steal your wallet. They caught me last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (three times), last thing on Thursday, they weren't there on Friday, and again on Saturday. Good news though, the store does very good imitation Moroccan leather wallets for only £1.75.