pattayadave

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France .

We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh?

He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed

50,000 Gauls". The crowd are up on their feet again.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome .

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for

Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out".

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but

I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says

"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . . away Gauls count double in Europe .

I know it's never too soon to stop again, but not this week.......

That word "again" should not be there. When you stop...you STOP!!!

When quitting...even if it's only for a few days...."re-start" never follows "stop."

The next thing that might stop for a habitual heavy smoker is their quality of life.

stopping smoking is only hard for the 1st 3 days after that it gets easier ,problem is second hand smoke smell so good 1 wont hurt ,what to do with your spare hand when drinking,on the telephone,etc

and all the weight gain,ive decided im a smoker and always will be ,even when i've quit i still class myself a smoker

Hello who may i ask told you that,even if your an ex smoker your trying to kid ''yourself " and everyone here that its easy.

8 months i've been off them and every day is hel_l.

if i were to have a heroin addiction or any other kind of drug addiction i would get help from the NHS,smoking forget it.

do you think the taxes charged for ciggies goes back into the national health.

where do all the profits go from the companys who make the patches .

And to think of it where do they get the nicottine from.?

right thats out of the way !

it is hard but 1-to-3 days just a tad off the mark the worst time for me was the fourth week and its just now getting slightly better.

giving up no problem

just me thinking aloud here but is 38sq mtr just a tad to small even double that would be like living in a sardine tin

What's a BMS?

pheeeeewwwwwww glad you asked

like one poster said before Hit the "veiw new posts" button your topic looked like an interesting read thought maybe you needed help with something,sorry some one got your preverbials in a twist but most folk on here are only trying to help

Q: Are you sexually active?

> A: No, I just lie there.

>

> Q: What is your date of birth?

> A: July fifteenth. >

> Q: What year?

> A: Every year.

>

> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

>

> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> A: Yes. >

> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> A: I forget. >

> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

>

> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. >

> Q: How long has he lived with you?

> A: Forty-five years.

>

> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" >

> Q: And why did that upset you?

> A: My name is Susan.

>

> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

> A: We both do.

> Q: Voodoo?

> A: We do.

> Q: You do?

> A: Yes, voodoo.

>

> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

>

> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

>

> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>

> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> A: Yes.

> Q: And what were you doing at that time?

>

> Q: She had three children, right?

> A: Yes.

> Q: How many were boys?

> A: None.

> Q: Were there any girls?

>

> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

> A: By death.

> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

>

> Q: Can you describe the individual?

> A: He was about medium height and had a beard. >

> Q: Was this a male, or a female?

>

> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

>

> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

>

> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

> A: Oral.

>

> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. >

> Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

>

> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample

>

> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

> A: No. >

> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

> A: No. >

> Q: Did you check for breathing?

> A: No. >

> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

> A: No. >

> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. >

> Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

hey i'm going to wonder if we'll see each other

The number of motorcycles. Are there any other places on earth of comparible size with so many?

warri nigeria patters wouldnt even come a close second

That was just a bit ..................................................... shiiite!!!!

nah it was'nt that good

load of utter rubish

so there is a thing to miss about soapdodgerland

ask your grandparents they should be able to tell you

Personal observation only:

1. Indians

2. Africans (especially Nigerians and Somalians) sierra leone

3. Pakistanis

4. Poles

5. Mexicans

6. Azerbajanians

7. Turks

8. Croatians

9. Koreans

10.Iranians

sierra leone F##k me mate they would knock a fly of a bucket <deleted>

firstly i congratulate you on the birth of your child

but i must ask at what cost do you price human life, your daughter is in the best place at the moment and you say she is getting the best care,would you risk transfering her to a cheaper hospital where maybe she might not get the attention she is curently receiving, see admin ask if you can pay in installments.

get some rest your no good to your g/f and daughter walking around like a zombie believe me your going to need all rest you can get you've got a few busy years ahead

You can post them on another planet as far as I'm concerned.

thats the funniest ive heard in a long time

better keep my hands in my pockets from now on 15

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and

most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking

any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins

around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts

himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his

face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to

himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be

fine.

He belly crawls to the Door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,

feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.

He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,"

he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the

door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies

inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I

can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He

says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying

a cup of coffee and says,

"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

> Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you

know?"

"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids

Has kids

c) Is going to have kids

d) Knows a kid

e) Was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mo uth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

Your hair smells nice

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close

to a lady standing at the coffee machine,

inhales a big breath of air and tells her that

her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,

takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel

department and states that she wants to write

a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by

this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening

about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Lemington."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much

was the sale for?

"#124,237.64 replied the Geordie.

The manager choked and exclaimed "#124,237.64, what the hel_l did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was gannin fishing and he said

doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for

there lass and I said.........

"Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

QUOTE(poorfarang @ 2007-06-22 06:38:14) *

Pick up my dry cleaning while your at it you beetroots

My Thai ex went to live in Belfast. She had a face that went red like a beetroot when she was angry

who Ja,she told me all about u and ur wee tiny cock.................................

well it was a stupid bl##dy question

do you have general location surname etc etc etc

northern irish accent ? do you know how many irish come here

Be prepared for a nightmare at the security screening at T3, the queue seems never ending and it's not helped by passengers who are not prepared when they reach the scanners. I remove everything from my jeans and put it in my jacket pockets then sling the whole lot onto the conveyor. Best also to remove your belt, the guy land side said not necessary but the one airside had me undo it so he could have a feel around it for whatever. Then once you are through that you walk 30 paces and remove your shoes.

By the time I get through it's straight to TGI Fridays for a pint of Boddingtons or two.

Have a safe journey.

phil if i ever get behind you at screening i will pay for all your boddies seems i get behind some jerk who cant read all the signs computer/keys/loose change etc etc etc

should be made to go to the back of the cue.

another thing why do people stand still on moving walkways?

Thanks for all your replies.

I'm flying down to Heathrow with BMI(British Midlands),who said I can't check my bag all the way to Bangkok,because the 2 flights are on seperate tickets.So,I'll have to get my bag.

I contacted Heathrow ,and they said: follow the signs to Terminal 3,go down to the tube,take the walkway there.10~15 minutes.Any one done this?????

Once again,I appreciate everyones' replies

book your bags straight through and take walkways to term 3 easy and well sign posted approx 10-15 min/tube every 10 min takes about 5 min.

walkways funny old thing have you ever noticed how every one stops when they get on them bl##dy tourists

Our esteemed news finder has not posted since the end of May.

Where are you, Libya?

Vacation? Good luck, enjoy.

Business trip? Good luck, hope it's successful.

Ill? Trust not, but swift recovery if it is so.

Jumping off high-rise condo? You don't have to make the news, just report it.

Hope we hear from you soon.

I am still here!

I am currently working in the Middle East and have no regular internet access, so I'm unable to update the Pattaya news on a daily basis.

As soon as I get a wireless laptop, I'll be back.

Meanwhile I hope some other TV members can update the Pattaya News.

there he is he's alive

hi guys as you may tell i am very new to this ,i arrived in thailand for the first time two weeks ago and i have a thirty day visa ,which i believe i can renew two more times

i need a few questions answered ,i take it from what i read to renew this i need to leave thailand and go to another country and thai embassy ,

but i wish to apply for a 1 year multiable entry with the 90 day visa run

or as i have started taking lessons in a private thai school they said i could apply for a student visa

the same school have also offered me a posssition as a english teacher and will apply for a work permit

i have opened a bank account and have been told that i was lucky to get omne with out a work permit

but the bank girl was a student at the school and was happy to open and have put a large amount of baht

i also have bank statements and proof of my monthly income which excedes the 65k

so i my main question is which road should i go down

and what do i need

thanks for any help

have you checked to see if she still works there

Hi

remove troll

Oh, sorry. For some reason I thought respect had something to do with your relationship. I was obviously wrong. Carry on.

doesnt even respect himself she's better of without him