pattayadave

Why do they call Pommies "whinging Pommie basta#$s?" can't find any info on that.

whinging !!!!!! mate i've worked with hundreds of your brothers mooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan bl##dy moan thats all they do .

give an aussie a problem to solve see him run.

seriously though worked with some great (if abit mad ) exploration drillers.

heading of to mali next month no doubt will bump into a few of them and show them how to sink a few tinnys.

australia where men are men and sheep are worried

Why's all that blue stuff round our flag?

I thought your name might have been Austin or something.

bl##dy hel_l nearly fell of the chair

didnt all you ginjockeys vote to keep lizzie head of state

seems to me you cant forget where you came from

the three most famous things to come from oz rolf skippy and a bl##dy fish

watch it mate,

as i recon lizzy is a top little punter as she loves her corgies, aussie meat pies and fish and chips.

she's the only member of the royal family who dont get in the <deleted>.

i just wish she would give phillip the <deleted> flick, as he keeps making a tosser out of him self.

he's great for a bleeding laugh thou.

on ya phil.

your a top pommy bleeder me old mucka.

thank you very much.

terence

ah but terry he's not a pom he's a geeeerman

No sex please we're British.. (Poms) http://www.birminghamuk.com/humour.htm

f ok of t the pub (bush bar) see if you can up with something better 2morrow

didnt all you ginjockeys vote to keep lizzie head of state

seems to me you cant forget where you came from

the three most famous things to come from oz rolf skippy and a bl##dy fish

Australians..... For your attention! Please click here

This will solve all your problems

Mark

exactly

I've only ever heard POMW not pomy..

People Of Much Whinging..

Soap dodgers...classic...

thats rich coming from the land of ginjockeys

worked with a few in my time (christ whinge)aussies hold the cup.

oops sorry didnt howard say abos were the true aussies you lot are just imigrants

My sister in law has a small fish she keeps in the water tank in the bathroom (Thai style bathroom, bucket over the head shower)

The little fish quickly eats the mosquitoes that come anywhere near the water's surface, jumping a few inches to get the ones that land on the wall as well.

It does a great job, and is very entertaining!

I've come to consider it a pet, and am very careful how I dip my bucket....so as not to send him down the drain inadvertently.

I also look for any random mosquitoes I can find, and swat them toward the water....the little bugger snatches them right up.

I think he likes me!

Yes I have seen those little fish in the traditional bathroom tanks....I was thinking that they were more for eating the wrigglers that may have been depoited in the water.

My real problem is keeping them out of the bathroom.They seem to get in no matter how secure i make it. Possible via the drain holes in bath tub and shower area ???

had the same problem in my bathroom little b@ggers were coming up the drain in the shower bought a fine mesh drain cover from supermarket problem solved up to now

you could also try planting lemon grass out side mozzis hate it

just past the eight month mark after 30 years smoking did it cold turkey,didn't think it was that hard , but the lads at work rekon it was the worst 6 months they have ever had.

all over now so i dont know for the life of me why i came to this forum

There IS a thread on here about the very same thing, but i cant find it right now.

From memory, you have to bank offshore, declare yourself as "non domiciled" to the UK authorities, and not stay IN the UK above a certain ammount of days per year to avoid paying tax.

AFAIK any tax allowance figures dont come into it unless you do the above

A Trip to an acountant versed in theses matters would be my advice

HTH

Penkoprod

Even if he is still a UK resident if he earns less than his tax allowance he does not pay tax on that.

If he was earning big overseas he declares himself non-resident and spends less than 90 days a year in country - got a pal visiting me in singapore tomorrow to start to sort this out - 6 months offshore - just over three months in Asia - less than 3 months in the UK

Be aware that if you own a house in UK then the IR will probably not grant you

non residence status for tax purposes, regardless of your time in/out of the country.

Basically you have to convince the tax man that you have severed ALL (financial) ties with

the country, and it can take a few years to convince them.

The UK gov has a very good plain English website detailing all this.

Basically if you own a house then you need to sell it, you need to move any UK accounts offshore

and you need to stay out of the country for a minimum duration over a three year period.

After that they 'May' agree to inform you in writing that you no longer need to fill in

an annual tax return.

Been there.

Naka.

not totaly true

you can still be classed as non resident but you have to claim any rental income on your property.

you can claim up to the minimum 4,200 GBP before they will tax you.general repairs are included in this amount so in short you can always keep below the tax figure.

90 day rule applies less days in transit 180 days if you have a seamans ticket.

but then again think its up to the individual authority.i have never been asked to prove my lenght of stays in the uk

got my non residence status in 18 months but that was 14 years ago , not aware that the goal posts have been moved

as for bank account why do you have to shift to an offshore account i still do all my banking in the uk why shift to offshore remember 7/11 lot of offshore banks (customers ) took the hit for that one /myself included

miner

have to agree with everyone dont keep one as a pet ! says me !

have a spider monkey with me as i type the lads at work had killed its mother and were in the process of killing it before i intervened i some times wish i had let them eat the pair of them but its not in our nature.

the short is i now have a 9 month old monkey that thinks i'm its dad dont get a momements peace they need looking after 24/7, i'm traveling to freetown (capital of sierra leone ) thursday back to los for three weeks .

have been in touch with a local sanctuary for primates and he thinks he may be able to take it in for a small donation.

the gist of it is i will miss him but i know its not fair for him to be kept in captivity with only human contact.

once again op dont even think about it

Your ex has obviously hurt you but I can't see how him getting into trouble can possibly benefit you. Maybe you will get some shallow pleasure if you see him punished. The fact is he obviously no longer wishes to be with you and wants to move on with his life. Maybe you should consider getiing on with your life as living full of vindictiveness and jealosy is no life to live.

I know this is probably hard to hear but what your ex does is not really your business anymore. He still has a duty to his kids but not really to you. I am sorry if what I am saying sounds really harsh but I have just seen too many people (men and women) ruin their lives because they couldn't get over their ex. I sincerly wish you all the best.

be warned hel_l hath no fury

"would'nt mind seeing the lawyer's face when he walks in with a box of used pantie liners

you can surely not be serious !"

are you sure?

imagine rutting about in a bin for used pantie liners ! what kind of advice is that , she'd be on the phone to the local nut house and he'd be carted of by the men in white coats

There is no such thing as money to her friends! I went through the same thing though not so fast. She might understand some things about immigration that you do not. Some things you might want to look into. That is the difference between you filing for a divorce and her filing for a divorce. In the USA if you file for divorce in the first five years she can stay in the USA and is entitled to alimony. IF she files for divorce within 5 years then she must return to her country and is not entitled for compensation or support. She is apparently trying to do to you what my Japanese wife learned from a Vietnamese and tried to do to me. Push you to file for divorce and drive you mad to help her prove abuse and abandonment. This just might give you a very difficult time if you ever decide to marry another foreign national. If I am right and the UK has any similar laws to the USA you had better start collecting evidence now. Put a recorder on the phone in the attic so she can't find it. Tape the conversations of her defiling you to others or conspiring against you. Get documentation of her abuse for a court to hear. Put spy ware on your computer. Record on camera or tape your conversations. Make her think the last thing you want to do is divorce her. Act totally submissive and completely lethargic when the two of you are alone. Tell her the same terrible things she tells you, but only in front of "strangers". Never in front of anyone who could be located to testify in court such as friends or co workers. This will make her desperate and careless about being verbally abusive. When she hears her own words out of your mouth the dumbfounded look on her face will be priceless and leave no room for rebuttal. Bring a camera every where you go to capture this look. You will want to frame the pictures after it is all said and done. Send her a new one every year on your anniversary along with a fake copy of a bank account in your name showing you had 250,000 ero. in some bank account the whole time you were married. The thought of all the money she failed to steal from you will kill her. If she is not sleeping with you she will be sleeping with someone sooner or later. So look for signs such as new English phrases that she did not learn from you but you know came out of an intimate conversation. If she is looking for a quickie she will carry tampons or pads in her purse when she is not on her period. Women use them to keep from getting a discharge in their underwear or messing them up when they get excited. You will find them in the trash when she is not menstruating. But you will have to get proof for a lawyer to work with so never question her about any evidence you find or it will be the last time you find anything. If this is not the case and she is just naturally cold as ice. Leave condoms in your pockets for her to find when she does laundry. Leave pictures on your camera of you with complete strangers. Go up to hot women and with a fake accent ask if you can take pictures with them. She will then be more careless about who she cheats on you with. Hire the same person that she will hire to have you followed to get pictures of her infidelity. He will make a great witness for you in court. You will get his information off the taped phone conversations and he will probably be sleeping with her as well so after she is gone and he is done testifying for you sue him for everything he is worth for taking advantage of your delusional wife and ruining your marriage. Take the money and go buy a sports car or Harley Davidson. Finally, share the detective's photos of the men she slept with their wives. One of them will be extremely attractive, have a good job and Love to go for a ride.

would'nt mind seeing the lawyer's face when he walks in with a box of used pantie liners

you can surely not be serious !

Stupid to even have a monkey as a 'pet'.

Yes, people get overcome by the seemingly close connection between apes and mankind. Apes are animals not little humans and can turn vicious at any moment without provocation.

what and little humans cant turn vicious

petedk, don't think any kneejerk reaction is nessesary the pri*ks a F**king pedophile. The only knees jerking should be his at the end of a rope.

I don't think I could have said it any better than this.

I totally agree draggons

PKG

just wait and see the outcome its looking like the old suicide by sock job / bets anyone

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

********************************************************************************

*****************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make

up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"

********************************************************************************

*******************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

********************************************************************************

*****************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is

a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

********************************************************************************

*******************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

********************************************************************************

******************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long

roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the

end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the

Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and

return to the airport."

********************************************************************************

*******************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

I thought these were very good....

********************************************************************************

*******************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the

way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far

end of the runway."

Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************

********************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some

quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like

yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

********************************************************************************

*******************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from

them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened

to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a

British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have

you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And

I didn't land."

********************************************************************************

****************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose

to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed

out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hel_l are

you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned

right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to

tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about

half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I

tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of

mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely

running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed

his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

You'll like this

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"

convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please ?"

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream .............

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Irishman's diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at east 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from de bloody skippin'!!!!!"

Three Minute Management Course

Lesson One:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her own shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he mention the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson Two:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story : If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson Three:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first, me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next, me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson Four:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Five:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Six:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate, dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His book-keeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the book-keeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is.

The book-keepersigns back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the book-keeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney

replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over And asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy And Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing Himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says "<deleted> dat. Dis budgie jumping is too <deleted>'n Dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over The edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the Gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down Until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag Out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "<deleted> dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. And now Sean and his <deleted>'n

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children

> what

> their fathers did for a living.

>

>

> All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, carpenter,

> captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet

> and

> so the teacher asked him about his father.

>

>

> "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes

> in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out

> with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

>

>

>

> The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little Billy

> aside to ask him if that was really true.

>

> "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too

> embarrassed to say."

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE, by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

4. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

7. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you Understand the British sense of humour.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

9. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

10. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).