pattayadave

same amount of posts though and same topics

just a thought but are libya and mcd one and the same

SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY:

You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...

SURREALISM:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and execute the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship them.

IRAQI CORPORATION:

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety.

You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to nothing for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and anyway the rest of the world have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish migrant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home.

They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred.

This is called misfortune by itself ...

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him, "What happened to your back?"

The patient replies, "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back."

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What on earth happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two. The doctor is shocked. She again asks, "What on earth happened to you?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge and someone threw it from the 3rd floor."

Hello,

I'm travelling to Thailand on Sunday and have been looking around for the best rates to exchange currency (from GBP to BHT). Most places in the UK offer a rate of approx 62 BHT, but Bangkok Bank are currently displaying rates of 67.53 which is far better, but are these rates what they actually offer you and do they take a large commission?

I'll be arriving at Bangkok Airport at approx 18:50 and don't expect any banks to be open this late, is it wise to transfer some currency at home so I'll at least have something when I arrive?

Sorry for all the questions, this is my first time to Thailand and I'm really excited about it!

Thank you in advance for any assistance you can offer.

Nathan

plenty of forex here and will give you bkk bank rate open all hrs,cash point card will also work here but check with issuing bank for charges.

first time in thailand good luck it' its going to blow your socks off

My mother who is 81yrs of age was taken into hospital with a suspected DVT,a cat scan yesterday revealed a clot in her upper thigh the doctors say she is to frail to operate on and want to try inserting some kind of caffiter up the vien and try to either dislodge or remove it.

they have been treating her with antibioticts? not sure why but it seems she also has an ulcer on her lower calf,has anybody ever had a DVT or a reletive had one and had this kind of treatment before,i am in constant touch with my mother and sister who asure me everything is ok.

work know of the situation and i really think i should go home,trouble is i dont want to worry my mother thinking the doctors have told me to come.

2005 5:58 PM Subject: Fw: LIFE IN THE AUSTRALIAN ARMY

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of

you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west Of Quilpie in the far

south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that

the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody

quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get

outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do

before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No

bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya

haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water

and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks

or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,

and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a

'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the

back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep

getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a

bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like

the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows

before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable

and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own

cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady

yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real

careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil

and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home

after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the

platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the

Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the

shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,

but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before

word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila xx

I don't call it "food poisoning", I leave that term for the drama queens.

Only place I ever got a dose of the squits was Fawlty Towers on soi 7 from liver and bacon with gravy, mashed tatties and peas - bluddy delicious it was too. It was a one off as I ate there many times in it's old location just off soi 7 and it's current one assuming it's still there.

I avoid buffet food like the salad bars at sh1teholes like Sizzlers because you just don't know how long the food has been out let alone how it was prepared besides which the food in such places is mass produced guano unfit for human consumption.

When I am in Thailand 90% of the time I eat Thai food prepared by Thais and predominantly served to Thais. Quite why anyone travels to any country and then studiously avoids the local cuisine is totally beyond my comprehension. But then some people do have such utterly delicate constitutions that prevent them from living life.

am i missing something there phil

Best Short Joke This Year ?:

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all

around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats

them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto

the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow

swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey

just did?"

No, what?"

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats

everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff

the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey

with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the

bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a

maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls

it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,

pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

no what ?"

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,

pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats

everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh!t that cue ball

out,he measures everything first.

No need to be scared, it's painless with the anaesthetic.

But the injection f###ing kils

Foreign undercover volunteers, with female police, posed as customers to investigate; and found five Russian strippers, clad only in bikinis, dancing to the delight of the audience. The police immediately arrested the half naked performers.

better tell the g/f to dressed up on the beach before the mib lift her

she/ sitting on the floor to eat after i spent 35,000 on a perfectly good table and chairs

me/ i'm a gordie we dont have faults

Here i sit in my hotel room in Lahore, Pakistan more bored than the boredest man in bordsville. I have not seen a woman in 3 days and i have not had a beer for 7 days.

/care

It's your choice to go there.

For your info some of us dont have a choice.

no beer

sorry oh

get as much as we want here but what a bl##dy hassle and to top it all the locals are running around like headless chickens.

run up to elections due august 10th the day i'm due out

and if that dont top it the bl##dy choppers are dropping out the sky

now have to drive 5 hrs on the worst roads you could imagine

but no beer now that i couldnt imagine wouldnt like to have a session with you when you get out

will stand a bottle of star for you in the bush bar tonight

cramps are usually associeted with dehydration ie lack of sugar /salt/ water.

doctors here recomend 1ltr bottle of water mixed with 3teaspoons of salt and 6 sugar cubes/other than that go to boots and ask for rehydrat powder form to mix with water SAME SAME

oysters seafood establishment on walking street

took a week on antibiotics to shift it,can only describe it was like giving birth to a flock of sparrows, very unpleasant.DONT TOUCH THE SEAFOOD.if you must make sure it's still alive when they cook it.

best bit was i had my ex and the kids there at the time she had never tried them bet she wont again either

thanks for that - thought it sounded too good to be true. A couple of friends here also thought it sounded dubious. Going back to my "home" country in a couple of months so will try for a genuine one there.

no need to wait till you get to your home country apply for one on the net got mine in 7 days.

all you need is a valid driving license.

you scan the application form driving lincense (etc) you can get for 1 or 3 years only cost for 3 years is $125/us.

have rented cars in spain france u/k and thailand with it,even been stopped by MIB in udon and told it was ok,happy days

Ghana (accra)

road speed sign 24&1/2 mph ?

could never get a straight answer as to why

My Pet Peeve is putting up with the sh-ite you write on this forum.

weho think you should get a job in a clock factory

you seem to have a great ability to wind people up

I know i have seen it somewhere but i'm dammed if i can find it again.

location map of the visa application centre.

have to be there early monday morning , how long does it take to post the application , have a flight to catch at 1.15pm to udon will i have time ?

once saw a young lad being dealt with nigerian style after robbing from the dead

boy you should have seen him jump

tyre and petrol does the trick everytime

Viagra could aid jetlag recovery

Viagra used in combination with light could help jetlag symptoms

Viagra could be used to help people flying eastwards recover from jetlag, animal research suggests.

A team of Argentine scientists found the drug helped hamsters recover up to 50% faster from forward shifts in their daily time cycles.

However, the drug only worked in conjunction with light therapy, and only in one time direction - the equivalent to flying eastbound.

The study features in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

In mammals, the light-dark cycle regulates the body's biological clock, which promotes activity during the daytime, when it is light, and sleep at night.

Time shift

The researchers from the National University of Quilmes shifted the light-dark cycle of hamsters six hours forwards, by switching on lights six hours earlier than usual.

They then monitored the hamsters' running wheel activity to assess when their body clocks had adjusted to the new time cycle - the hamsters are active in the day but stop running when the lights go out.

etc

people actually get paid to do this

i'll tell you how bloody desperate they were to get to australia, the buggers coughed up with ten pounds to get into our brilliant country.

The desperation was on on the side of the Aussie government who subsidised the ten pound Poms whose journey cost a hel_l of a lot more than that.

They were desperate because they knew that without a constant input of Poms to serve as leaders and honest workers Australia would soon fall into anarchy as the only way the Average Aussie knew how to get by in life was by stealing livestock and loafs of bread.

stole the bl##dy design for our bridge and our town name they did .

wonder where they got all the steel to build the thing maybe something to do with one of these on the end of a ball and chain

new zealand, where men are confused and sheep run the 4 minute mile in 3 minutes when they see one coming.

I don't know what planet you are from but on this one the Aussies have never been friendly with any Pommy sporting team, although we are happy to have a couple of beers with you after the game, that way you get to see the winning cups if only for a short while.

AH god bless wee johnny for that kick was in a bar full of aussies must admit they took it in good stead,made a frigging fortune from them johny playing for my home town and all