AltumAngel

Hope you don't have to use this.

Sample #1 Dear Sir/Madam :

I can't believe I've spent the last three years of my life working for someone like you. You are unprofessional, boring, ugly and extremely dumb.. I think that you should take some vacation time so that your employees can actually have fun at work for a while. It's amazing how much everyone hates you.

I was considering giving you two weeks, but after thinking about it some more I've decided that I'd rather sell oranges on the side of the highway before spending one more day working for you. Consider me officially resigned!

Sincerely, So & So...

Sample #2 Dear Sir/Madam :

You are an idiot, and I can prove it. First of all, you never realized my full potential. Second, you never even learned my name. And thirdly, you don't even know how to turn your computer on without instructions. I suggest you make an appointment with your doctor to have your head examined a.s.a.p. He should be able to confirm the fact that you have a giant piece of crap lodged between your ears instead of a brain. Once you've done that, you should probably also check your boots for stain marks from all of the employees you kicked over the years. So, in other words, Sir/Madam, I resign from this crappy job. Good luck ruining other people's lives, I'm outta here.

Sincerely, So & So...

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

heheh, i dont get the joke..can someone explain ? thanks

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!"

The soldiers complied and moved closer together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers, so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!" "Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

A bright young lady equipped her boat, with a book, a bottle of wine, and lots of fishing gear. She sailed her boat, a small one, into an area of the lake absent-mindedly where there was a sign saying 'No Fishing'. She let the boat float and started reading a book, sipping her wine in the soft sunshine.

A cop on his Harley Davidson roared by, returned, parked it and started writing an allegation against her. "What for?" enquired she.

"For fishing in a no fishing area."

"But I was not fishing."

"You were not, but you are equipped to do so,madam."

She rolled up her stuff and got up.

"In that case take me to the police station please."

"Why?"

"You raped me."

"Whoa- there! I didn't even come near you...for Gossake."

"But you are equipped, aren't you?"

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,

"Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled,

"What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A boy and a girl in a Kindergarden school.

The teacher gave the children some homework to do at home, and that was to draw an apple each. (a nice one) The boy was trying to draw one but just can't get a nice apple. He was so angry with himself for not able to draw properly. So he thought of a way, he strip himself and rub all the water colour onto his buttock , and sat onto the drawing block and true enough a nice apple was printed on the paper.

Now the girl heard the way he did the apple, and she also did the same thing like the boy strip herself paint her buttock and sat on the paper, a nice apple appear.

The next day they passup their drawing for marking, and guess what , the boy get an A , while the girl get a C. The girl was very puzzle , why he get A and her self get C.

So she ask the teacher , teacher, teacher why he get A and I get C, we both did the apple the same way. The teacher say " Oh,... didn't you see, his has got a stem".........

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Heaven?

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Caloway, taxi driver, of New York City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and goldenstaff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get an ordinary cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street

with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you ?"

Morris replied, " Just doing what you said, Doc : Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, " I didn't say that. I said, :You've got a heart murmur, be careful !!' "

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.

It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".

He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.

He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".

She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died,

Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died,

her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course,

"He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested

that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied.

"We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear,

"If it wasn't for that da*n Ice Cream Truck,

he'd still be alive!!!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft

any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered

to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that

the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the

Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their

secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new

face. He looked more

handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went

on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at

her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything

you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see

your mother kiss you on the cheek."

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.

When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?" The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Bear, Lion & Chicken talk who's most feared.

Bear says - I roar the forest trembles.

Lion says - I roar the jungle shakes.

Chicken says - I cough and the world panics !!!

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying

thewind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and

accelerated to an even

higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car

behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem"

thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over

210 kmph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hel_l am I

doing? I'm too old for this kind of

thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and

waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and

walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today

is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding

that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off

with a Policeman, and I thought you

were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)

"THE TEETH."

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

☻Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

☻A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

"No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..."

☻There was this lover who said that he would go through hel_l for her. They got married - now he is going through hel_l!!!

☻I've got a good friend who married a Doctor.

One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".

Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.

"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;

I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...

☻Q: Why do brides wear white?

A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

☻One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

☻What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -

Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

☻Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

☻After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from

the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out

of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on

the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom,

someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm

sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone

doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are

the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favourite !!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only

two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And of course the winner is ...

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of

breath. Darn ... I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an

asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started

having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said: "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said: "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! "That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied:

"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."