AltumAngel

A mother and daughter loved to play around.

They partied everyday and always ended up *@$$ing everybody around.

Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose.

One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married.

Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin.

So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night.

The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and

consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!"

Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be.

Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it."

So the daughter did what her mother taught her and

everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice.

This went on for a few months.

Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe

, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing,

she would put it back in her hole.

One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin.

The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple

and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it,

"Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!"

Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother,

"Mum, I'm in deep %^#$ now! I took out the apple while

I was bathing and I forgot to put it back

and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it!

What sould I do? Will he be poisoned?

I'm scared, mum."

Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago,

your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that ###### thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire engine," the fire fighter says with

admiration.

"Thanks" the girl, says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied

the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to

install in your house a pole that will go to the

basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest

thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and

catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood

agent with his resume and portfolio in hand.

The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio

with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an

actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir,"

said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the

agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in

Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my

father's, my grandfather's and his grandfather's name. We have

carried this name for generations and I will not change it for

Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

"Then I bid you farewell - my name will not change."

With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later the Hollywood agent returned to his office after

lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk

mail, trade journals and the like.

There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter.

As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds

and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!

He read the letter:

Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to

become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I

changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian

name had been carried for generations and left your office.

However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness

and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your

advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous

actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that

I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence

that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude,

so please accept this check with my humble thanks,

for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth

and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men,

who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.

When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term

memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

A: Their foreheads.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

An American, a Japanese, and a Singh were sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone.I have a microchip in my hand.

The Singh felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead to be embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind. The Singh explained, "I'm getting a FAX."

there was a man who cant speak english.he went to a restaurant,and he sat down.then,a waiter came and asked "do u want to try our new chilli crab?"

then the man heard another man say "yes i do,yes i do".so he said that too to the waiter.then he remember the sentence,"yes i do,yes i do"

then he went to a toilet,then got a crazy man inside and shouted "IN THE SMELLY TOILET~IN THE SMELLY TOILET~".so the man remembered and mimicked the crazy man.

then the man went to a party,and a son came to his mother and asked "mom,what do we use to eat this?"

then the mother said "with forks and spoons"

and the man remembered "with forks and spoons"

and then the man went to a soccer game.and the team scored and the spectators shouted,"YAY~!"

then he went home.at home,the doorbell rang.it was the policeman.

policeman:did u kill someone?

man:yes i do,yes i do

policeman:where?

man:in the smelly toilet~in the smelly toilet~

policeman:how did u kill him?

man:with forks and spoons~

policeman:ok,then u are jailed for life.

man:YAY~

muthu is juat a indian man name

Professor at SIM was explaining marketing concepts:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,

"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and get her telephone number.

The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie,

You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her,

pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride,

and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and

says, "You are very rich?"

That's Brand Recognition.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,

"I'm rich. Marry me"

She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!!

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

And she introduces you to her husband

That's demand and supply gap.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say,

"I am very rich. Marry me!"

she turns her face towards you ------------ she is your wife!

That's competition eating into your market share.

Hope you learnt marketing

Muthu Jokes

INTERVIEWER : What is your birth date?

MUTHU : 13 October

INTERVIEWER : Year?

MUTHU : Every year....

MANAGER : Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?

MUTHU : P-O-S-T-B-O-X

After returning back from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife:-

MUTHU : Do I look like a foreigner?

WIFE : No. Why?

MUTHU : In London a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu:

TOURIST : Any great man born in this village? MUTHU : No sir, only small babies....

Muthu was doing experiment with cockroach.

First he cut it's one leg and said 'WALK... WALK....'

The cockroach walked.

Then he cut it's second leg and said the same 'WALK.... WALK....'

The cockroach walked.

Then he cut it's third leg and said the same 'WALK.... WALK....'

The cockroach walked.

At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it to walk.

But the cockroach didn't walk.

Suddenly Muthu said loudly, "I found it! If we cut off the cockroach's

four legs, it becomes deaf!!'

On a political rally Muthu was arrested.

Why? Because a woman journalist

walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and Muthu did it....

Muthu was traveling with his wife in an auto.

The driver adjusted the mirror.

Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive!!'

Muthu went in a hotel.

To wash hands he went to the washbasin.

There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.

Muthu pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN".

INTERVIEWER : Just imagine you're in the 3rd floor of a building. It caught fire. How will you escape?

MUTHU : It's simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

1 . Nite - Sleep with air-con, Day - Bath with heater on

2. Day - Cannot Wake up, Nite - Cannot Sleep

3. Translation is need between Singaporean Chinese and

Mainland Chinese

4. Smell Of rubbish beside letterboxes, Rubbish in front of

Letterbox.

5. Some Sg Chinese use different language other then

chinese to communicate.

6. Sg ppl dun like to vote, But like to complain

7. Half of Sg ppl dunno how to speak the country's language

(malay)

8. There are quite a few rich/poor ppl in sg - They have Car,

Credit Card, CPF but no Cash and is liable to lots of loans

9. There are also quite a few high-tech barbaric singaporean

in sg - They know how to use state-of-the art equipment,

use 3g mobile phone and powerful computers but they

dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet.

10. Sg ppl rush to buy Hello kitty, the other side busy killing

stray cats

11. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted

buying)

12. Cigarettes - Convienent to buy, not convienent to smoke

13. Private Cars - Cheaper and Cheaper to buy, harder and

harder to Maintain

14. Public Bus - Half the Crowd Squeeze in front of the Bus,

Second Half is Carrying Ghost

15. Education - Teach Less Learn More.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 Mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the Dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger!"

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What Makes you think it's God?"

A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.The baker said,

"We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."So the duck left. The following day

the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feetto the floor." The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?" The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter

writing or sign language.) One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". but at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this, he waited three

more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years

to 5). But at the end of these five years, he realized that he had to

ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in

that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her

lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My

darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a

strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in

wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: .. ... ... ... scroll down

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Well, guess what she said ......... .. ... ... ... ... ... .......

come on, guess what could she have ... ... ... ... ... ...

said.............. .. ... ... ... ... ... ...........

well, she said.............. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

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"Pardon"?

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He ###### near died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy ###### near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

yap what is W I N A B A G E L ??

care to explain ?? thanks

Dear ___,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

1. _ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. _ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. _ The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. _ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. _ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. _ Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. _ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants.

8. _ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. _ You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. _ You have a hairy back.

11. _ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. _ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. _ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. _ You still live with your parents.

15. _ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

16. _ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. _ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. _ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. _ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. _ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, _____

Lies:

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river

and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord

appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water

and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their

family.

The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden

thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble

ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.

The seamstress replied, "No"

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "YES."

The lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three

thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband

along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and

disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again

appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is an untrue!

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a

misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would

have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have

come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me

all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to

take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel

Gibson."

The moral of this story is: WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD

AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS. THAT'S OUR

STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT!

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside".

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thin" ....the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin".

Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign read "All the men here have it short and thick". This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left.

Wondering what they were missing, they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman"

A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,

"I think Harry can go to Primary 3."

The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two ?"

Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)

Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do." Who am I??

Harry: "A Tent. "

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I?? (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??

Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates I come with a quiver."

What am I??

Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6 ! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself?!?"

There was this guy,Tom, who really loved his girlfriend. He loved her so much that he wanted to tattoo her name,"Wendy" on his dick. So he went to his friend who specializes in tattooing.

His friend then suggested doing the tattoo while his dick is erected so that the name can be tattooed bigger and clearer. Tom agreed and went to erect his dick and had "Wendy" tattooed on it. He was very satisfied, there was a "Wy" on his dick when not erected and he dreamt of surprising his girlfriend by showing her the change from "Wy" to "Wendy" when he gets hard.

So he called her quickly and arranged a meeting that evening. Before their date, he went to the toilet to piss and there he met this American with a "Wy" on his dick too, when he was pissing at the urinal.

Thinking that this American might have tattooed his girlfriend's name too, Tom confronted him. The American denied, saying that it is not Tom's girlfriend's name.

Tom wouldn't accept verbal denial and suggested erecting both their dicks to compare. The American agreed and they both started arousing themselves. Tom was first to erect and was proud to show the American, saying," Look, this is my girlfriend's name, Wendy."

The American soon erected his dick and showed to Tom and said," Look, it is not your girlfriend's name." It said," Welcome to America and have a nice day".

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hel_l is that?

Mabel: A Condom. This way my cigarette won't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (She is after all, over 80 years of age), but very politely ask what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Tony, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The Pharmacist Fainted.........

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."