chickenslegs

An Englishman went to Spain to tour the country and learn Spanish.

He hired a Spanish guide to accompany him. The guide was told to speak only in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'

The Englishman looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.

Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to hospital for heart surgery but, as he had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. The call went out for help. Finally a Scotsman, Wullie MacCallum was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Wullie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Mercedes Benz, diamonds and 100,000 US dollars.

A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. Wullie MacCallum was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him, 'I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a Benz, diamonds and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.'

To this the Arab replied, 'Aye Wullie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.'

(with apologies to Oor Wullie and Scotsmen everywhere)

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land. They were lined up against a wall in front of a firing squad. The leader of the captors said, 'We're going to shoot you all in turn.  But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Scotsman responds, 'I'd like to hear "Scotland the Brave" played by the massed bagpipes of the Gordon Highlanders just one more time to remind me of the auld country.

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the green hills of home, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell.

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the valleys, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Englishman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of Scotch whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.

The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it.

The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, the doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.

The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.

When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.

To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

1 minute ago, happy chappie said:

 

I see a red light and two cars stopped at them.im my world red light means stop unless it's clear to turn left.he clearly went through a red light to make a u turn which would be illegal.

At that junction there is a filter arrow allowing the U-turn, or right turn into the RTN area. So it seems possible that the pickup had a green light.

Merry Christmas to all, and a happy New Year ...

People often forget the important religious aspect to Christmas ...

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".