chickenslegs

A Catholic Irish boy stands crying on the side of the road, a man asks what is wrong.

The boy says "Me ma just died".

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O'riley for you?"

The boy replies "No thanks mister sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment".

When I woke this morning my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in she turned to me and said “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove.

”How come you're so horny this morning” I said.

”I'm not”, she replied, "The egg timer's broken."

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.

A woman says to her husband: ‘You never take me anywhere expensive anymore’. He says ‘get your coat on’. She says ‘where we going?’ He says: ‘The <deleted> petrol station’.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would lift up her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Lifting up her nightgown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter appears alongside, flying at mach 2.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take a look at what I can do!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look at what I can do!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the plane to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake, chatted up one of the stewardesses and made an appointment with her for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by our employer."

Boy: "Dad, I've been wondering - why is my sister called Rose?"

Father: "Because your mother likes roses".

Boy: "Okay, thanks Dad, that explains it".

Father: "No problem Dick".

Some one-liners from Peter Kaye ...

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.

So this bloke says to me, ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?’ I thought, That’s all I need – a Je-hoover’s witness.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library. He was lying in the road screaming and the driver got out and said, ‘Shh!'

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.'

“The man who invented Cats’ Eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.”