chickenslegs

Don't invite me to your place on Christmas Eve.

This morning at 6.00am I was rudely awakened by a voice shouting “It’s time to get up, my precious.” It was my new Tolkein alarm clock. That reminds me about an old friend of mine who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?

An actor friend of mine just got a part in the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs panto. But it wasn’t the part he wanted. He isn’t happy.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole. Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it. Etcetera ...

Crusader

On the other hand the odds of winning the Thai jackpot are 1 in 1,000,000 but the odds of a jackpot in the Euromillions are 1 in 139,838,160 (nearly 140 times lower).

Sirocco

Christmas cracker jokes Q: What music do they play in Santa's workshop? A: Wrap. Q: How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance? A: “Present!” Q: What is Santa’s primary language? A: North Polish.

Let's keep it light ...

Jeanette

Gatling (gun)

I went to a journalist friend’s house for dinner and he’d put stickers over his ketchup and mustard bottles. Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

I've been trying to lose weight recently, with some success. Yesterday I went for a long walk along the Blackpool promenade and lost lost 300 calories. A seagull stole my Mars bar.

My first wife died horribly in a works accident at the Nescafe factory - she drowned in a large vat of coffee – an unusual death but at least it was instant!

It's Panto season - Oh yes it is! Why is Cinderella rubbish at football? Her coach was a pumpkin. A pantomime horse walks into a bar. The barman says “would you like a pint?” The horse says, “no, two halves”. Why does Dick Whittington have a beard? Because nine out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers. I had a job as part of a pantomime horse team once, but I quit when I was a head. I asked the librarian for a book on pantomimes. He said, “It’s behind you”.

Cow

Welsh

Or a Ruby Murray?

When you're too tired to go clubbing with your mates but don't want to look like a wuss.

He declared his intention to "fight to the death" and not surrender to the police. Then he started shooting. Police officers returned fire and he was killed. He already murdered 2 people, so they knew he was capable of killing. Self defence is not extra-judicial killing - not by any stretch. The good news is that all the police and villagers got home safely that night.

Wotsit