chickenslegs

Maxwell

Tarzan

Baker

What should you do if you're attacked by a group circus acts? Go straight for the juggler. I saw a movie about how ships are put together. It was riveting. A screwdriver sits down at a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver replies, "Who names a drink 'Steve?"

Doctor: "I'm very sorry but you don't have long to live." Patient: "How much longer do I have, doc?" Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" Doctor: "Nine.. eight ... seven ..."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer and come to bed. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other ...

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 2 minutes?

Guitarist

In the deli section?

Prayut's confused reaction is priceless. Mrs P has to lead him off the stage ...

Report the hole to City Hall. Someone will be sent to look into it.

You're right. They'd never be able to lift those roof sheets.????

So, the man deposited his money into her account (presumably for safekeeping) and the police say that it's now her money - as if he gifted it to her. Man needs to get a lawyer to go to court and get an order to freeze that account until the true owner of the money can be established - him (or possibly 50/50).

I was sat in a restaurant when I felt the urge to break wind. Craftily, I let it out in a series of small farts in time with the loud beat of the music that was playing. After I had fully relieved myself I realised that everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. It was then that I remembered I was listening on my earpods.

Andromeda

Hot

He drowned in an Egyptian river? I'll get my coat.

Munde

(in) Blankets

IMO - Hit and run deserves at least an equal punishment as DUI. I understand that it can be dangerous to stop at the scene, where locals could get nasty, but in that case the driver should report to the police as soon as possible. I know this location very well. It is a recently constructed and incomplete part of Sukhumvit road (highway 3) basically an urban motorway with (apparently) 5 lanes in each direction. Although there are not yet any lane markings, and street lighting is very poor . I don't offer any excuses for a hit and run driver, but I do believe that it is unwise to construct such motorways which allow very fast and very slow moving vehicles to share the road.

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (S to Z) (ISIHAC) Alternative definitions for some familiar English words: Scruple Cross between a screw top and a ring pull Tabby A big church in Yorkshire Template The secretary hasn’t turned up Tenure How they describe a decade in the West Country Testicle A boat maker’s first attempt at a coracle Toll Where you try to put the ball in on a Yorkshire golf course Transport Cross-dressing athletes Truculent That lorry you used to rent out Unfettered Without Greek cheese Urinate You’re a size eight Vanish Rather like a van Walnut An obsessive bricklayer Warehouse A person who turns into a house at the Full Moon Wince A setting on Jonathan Ross’s washing machine X-ray Former fish Yodelling Trainee Jedi knight Zucchini Animal park enthusiast

THE UXBRIDGE ENGLISH DICTIORY (M to R) (ISIHAC) Alternative definitions for some familiar English words: Macaroon To leave a Scotsman on a desert island Magenta Here comes the Queen Mishmash What Sean Connery will do if he doesn’t get to church on Sunday Module Christmas with The Who Nose dive Bad plastic surgery clinic Ovaltine A fat adolescent Pantomime Underwear for the hard of hearing Passport Fathers’ race Pastiche What Sean Connery eats in Cornwall Phlegmatic Battery-powered handkerchief Pomegranate Australian for a Englishman made of stone Pretext Letters and phone calls Psychedelia Mental cook Quick Noise made by a dyslexic duck Receipt To sit down again Realist A catalogue of bottoms Reindeer A Michael Winner weather prediction