A. BOOZER

Still can't understand why Max Bygraves thought those Dutch ones (from Amsterdam), were the best!

Fan-tastic!

Can't think which wife this reminds me of!

Brilliant!

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Female friends of the family are invited.

A little old man shuffled....... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor,

pulled himself...............slooooooowly...........painfully...........

up onto a stool. After catching his breath..............................

he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

No," he replied, "Arthritis".

Corporate Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which

one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps

herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there

stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked

in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but

excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and

goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks

from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your

shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable

exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He

stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed

her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had

a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily

slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to

remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is

weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and

went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and

looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find

glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #3

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are

walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a

Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant

three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in

Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply

of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the

crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a

sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him

enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth

night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was

promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun

the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.

Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the

slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the

sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass

The Dilemma

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, STORMY night,

when you pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car?

Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is goingto die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

Gawd, I just love happy endings!

=========================================

A man who wants nothing, is invincible!

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb

making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very

uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in

my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an

oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American

flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am

Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No shit?"

No Offence Intended - But!

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?

A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer.

Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red,

white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock

and crumbled in the box.

Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portugese/Germans?

A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes

and still come second! (This is my favourite!!!!!)

Q: What is common between a 3 pin plug and the England football team?

A: They are both useless in Europe!

Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Jimmy Hill. You

have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot Jimmy Hill - twice.

Q. What do you have when 100 English football fans are buried up to their

necks in sand?

A. Not enough sand

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in

a Spanish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the

English FA. Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it

totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a

successful pass to or at anyone."

Did you hear about the UK politician who was found dead in an English

football jersey? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in

order to save his family from the embarrassment. (David Mellor - This could have been YOU!)

A man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since

my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters

the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits

down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

A man was lying on his deathbed, his wife there to comfort him during his last moments. Being a good catholic and a strong believer in confession he began to say something that he felt he needed to get off of his chest before passing from this present life. As he began to speak though, his wife told him not to speak, to save his strength but he would hear nothing of the sort for he knew the end was already near. So his faithful wife listened as he said in his rapidly fading voice, “honey, I love you so I feel like I should be the one to tell you this. I cheated on you with your sister, your sister's friend, and your sister's friend's sister.'' Now the man, having spent the last of his strength lay quietly as his wife looked at him with lovingly understanding eyes and said, ''I know...that's why I poisoned you.''

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...

1) That's not right ........................ ....Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.......... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man.................................. .Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse................................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ...............Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ......... ..Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here .................... ..Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ........ ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone ............... No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight .......................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .........Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .......................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks the

barber about his bill. "I am sorry; I cannot accept money from you. I am

doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the

shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a

thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

Later that day a Cop comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the

barber, and the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you.

I am doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the

shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank

you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

Later that day a Democrat comes for a haircut and when he asks the barber

what he owes, the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from

you. I am doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy

and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are

a dozen Democrats waiting for a free haircut.

A pastor goes to a nursing home to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes

one.

As they continue their conversation he can't help himself and eats one after

another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty.

He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry but I seem to have eaten all of your

peanuts."

"That's O.K," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.

Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put 'em back in

the bowl."

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!”

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?

True Confessions

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth

anniversary of his arrival in the parish.

A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation, and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business, and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled.

But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived here," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS

NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

FOR THE SAME REASON

A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd never have to testify in court.

When the Boss goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Boss asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about."

The attorney tells the Boss: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Boss pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Boss asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have it in you to pull the trigger."

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing

surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist

lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later

he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and

legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold

medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a

cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a

freight train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with

was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United

States."

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “ Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

So did Shamus, by the sound of it!

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his

wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which

she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that

there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he

should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause

I've just ! shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an

ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police

caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT...