A. BOOZER

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2 percent milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of

romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she

was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing

behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

The drunk says, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked

at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her

selections she says, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But

how on Earth did you know that?'

The drunk replies, "Cause you're ugly."

A good political decision is just like a miniskirt.

Short enough to sustain the interest & long enough to cover the subject.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip

Of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency

room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by

shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth"

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

*****************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some

fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that in disgust the eye doctor took a paper lunch bag made a hole to see through, covered up the

appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Reminds me of one from the long distant school days -

Sing this old Siamese anthem -

O Wa

Ta

Na

Si

Am

A young couple, with their three-year old daughter, was enjoying their coffee at a local coffee shop when the little girl asked,

"What's that smell in your coffee Momma?"

"Its hazelnut coffee, sweetie.” The mother said,

"There's nuts in your coffee, momma?" said the little girl, to which the mother replied, "Yes, dear, just like your father's coffee, we both like hazelnut coffee,"

with that, the little girl turned to her dad and said, “Daddy, can I smell your nuts?"

A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two

female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous

Louisville, KY race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the

bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and

the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was

waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told

her than none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she

went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the

boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow

away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that

he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was

staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding

Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Absolutely brilliant, and unfortunately so, so true!

What about the other L_ _ _ _ of a team, Leeds, could be going CHEAP!

A woman with a toothache goes to visit her dentist. The dentist tells her the tooth will have to be pulled, she says, "Oh, no! I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled."

The dentist replies, "Well, make up your mind. I'll have to adjust the chair."

Brilliant!

I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills said Gop to Noi.

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Noi responded.

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make

their days interesting. Thought you might like to see what happened to

me last week.

I went downtown the other day. I was only in there for about 5

minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking

ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a

senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I

called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket

for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horseshit. He

finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the

first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more

tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the

corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.

*****

Giorgio had been in this country for about 6 months. He walked to work every day and would pass a shoe store on the way. Each day he stopped and looked in the window and admired a certain pair of Justin leather boots. He wanted those boots so badly; it was all he could think about.

After about 2 months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.

Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.

He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?"

Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?"

He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "

Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?"

Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots

Q: Why do women have their bellybuttons pierced?

A: It's a darn good place to hang an air freshener!!!

Q. What is the difference between men and women?

A. A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

.......A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

..................................................................

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will

probably never be able to support you.

................................................................................

..

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

................................................................................

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife

is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

  Which ex was that?

The first one!

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial

troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom,

he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and

distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from

the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for

$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The

reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were

likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.

Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to

himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little

Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the

reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with

bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their

door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked

Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my

sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 dollars I

collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said,

vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church

is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell

for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest,

confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy

to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28

bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 dollars I collected." The

reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a

professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie,

did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the

reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 dollars in

here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to

door, in just one week? Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional

salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better

explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged.

"I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he

stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us

what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would

y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible

f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you

j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it

t-to y-y-you?

Well it's always nice to spank your monkey in private when stuck in traffic

So that was your black Mitsubishi pick up that was vibrating so badly at the traffic lights the other day!

You wouldn't need air conditioning with my ex-wife, you would be looking for central heating!

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, <deleted>-<deleted>.

A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Zap! She is.

“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Zap! Done.

“And now I wish that <deleted>-<deleted> was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”

Zap! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

Why limit it to Sunday?

Sale of alcohol should be banned at all petrol stations on ALL days of the week.

Love a sense of humour, even sick humour!

A man is celebrating his daughter’s 18TH birthday. And is pondering

“I'm so glad this is my last ###### child support payment.

Month after month, year after year, those ...###### payments!”

So he calls his girl to come over to his house and says,

“Baby, I want you to do me a favor. Take this last check to over to your mom, and tell her this is the last ###### check she's going to get from me.” Later I want you to tell me the expression on her face. The girl takes the check home and the following day comes back to her Dad’s house. He is anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like, so he asked, " now what did she have to say?" His daughter says, she told me to tell you THAT YOUR AIN'T MY DADDY!

Try somtam followed by durian. Double the effect!!

So it's you that responsible for global warming!

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in

a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and

the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my

pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to

his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a

microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he

had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and

went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from

his backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind him and said .... "B-jesus , will you

look at that; I'm getting a fax!!!"