A. BOOZER

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting

their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from

Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a

stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from

the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the

discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn

that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy

lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a

magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face

while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:

"Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow

and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are

many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the

darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played

Cowboys and Muslims yet."

Morecambe Council apologises for the work on the promenade but they have found several chinks in the wall.

That we should be so lucky!

And some people will think that these are all jokes!

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run a marathon.

4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6. Things you buy now won't wear out.

7. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

8. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

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Chapter 2: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc, Doc, Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

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Chapter 3: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.

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Chapter 4: SIGNS OF WHERE...

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

9. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

If you're under 50, this may be amusing. If you're over 50, this is probably reality.

Personally, think that the only sensible this lad has done was to plead guilty, feel sure that otherwise he would have paid the full price. I do think that the old adage "If you don't want to do the time, don't do the crime" is appropriate. What do you others think?

Husband is reading the news paper.... wife comes in and says "honey I love you so much" and then she says “honey I wish I would be a newspaper so that you always hold me in your arms "

Husband replied, "I also wish that so that I can change you every day like that newspaper"

Is this really a girlfriend or a pet monkey!

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late

at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred ,you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Scottsdale, Arizona."

Seen above a pool:

Welcome to my ool, notice there is no p in it,

"Lets keep it that way."

A policeman pulls a lady over for speeding and says, "Ma'am do you realize you were going 75mph in a school zone? “

The woman replies "Oh no I didn’t notice that I was too busy carrying around these big breasts." She pulls her shirt up so the cop could see.

“Well ma'am now I have to give you tickets for 'Indecent exposure' and 'attempted bribery’.

She looks offended rather than worried" Why weren’t you dazzled by my huge breasts?” She asks.

The cop replies, "Well ma'am all I have to say to that is have you ever wondered why male cops always wear such tight pants?’

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost

track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy

together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and

maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit

older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband

that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she

thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked... "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.

An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his camel beer (just WHAT is a camel beer?), throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK 47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!

A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his M-9 Berreta and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. He says "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

The Innocence of Children

Children's Science Exam Answers.

(These are real answers given by children.)

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends

to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and

the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains

the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,

A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said, “We don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. “Uncle Sam said, “That’s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

Letter received from member of senior citizens luncheon club.

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior

citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor

Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am

all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one,

she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The

other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of

pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said screw you!

.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely, Edna Walters

Signs of the Times

On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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At a Proctologist's door

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

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Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

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At a Tyre Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Opticians's Office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come

to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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In a Chiropodist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car

payment."

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Outside an Exhaust centre:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get

fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak

FUNERAL PROCESSION

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when

she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50

feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the

woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I

know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my

husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Funny how now we have a lot of new posters.... Could it be cover up by the Bush administration??????

Now, now, we all know that no civilized country would not dream of any such thing!

I feel that George Bush has no right to critisise any country or politician without first looking at America's own record.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Me thinks poor lady died of chicken flu, and Eli was trying save the government any embaressment by disposing of the evidence!