A. BOOZER

Have never tasted or eaten sh*t, but thoroughly enjoy eating durian, as I do most Thai fruits and foods. Apart from that available at certain burger chains, what do other forum members regard as the most distasteful food in Thailand?

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of

the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you

religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just

say "Bridge Out?"

a) Go to www.google.com

<http://www.google.com/>

Type in (but don't hit enter): "weapons of mass destruction"

c) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button instead of the normal "Google search"

button

d) READ CAREFULLY what appears to be a normal ERROR message

e) Make sure you read the WHOLE error message! Someone at Google apparently

has a sense of humor.

f) The hot links work also.

Try this soon before someone at Google fixes it!

Thought April 1st was long past!

This was absolutely superb!

Superb!

Seems to be working for me, but it might be worth utilising the free trial of Zone Alarm Pro (available for two weeks evaluation) at this time.

Sandy, I respect your right to smoke, but trust that you also respect the rights of us non smokers. Personally, do not like to see ladies smoking, but it is a free world, at the moment!

Charged with being in charge of a squirter, the obvious defence plea being, " Sorry, I couldn't hold it any longer"

A couple in their eighties just got married and is on their honeymoon. In the hotel room she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits and waits until she can't wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She giggles, "Honey what are you doing? I'm 86 years old and can't get pregnant anymore."

He looks up at her and says; I know but honey you know how dampness affects my arthritis.

Deja Vu - hope that we will not see the unwanted happening!

Bill runs into his brother at the neighborhood pub looking quite dejected.

Bill asks him what's wrong.

His brother Tim replies that he caught his wife and best friend in bed together.

Bill asks him what did he do?

Tim says I told my wife to pack up and get out.

What did you say to your best friend, Bill asks?

I said bad, bad dog.

penzman @ Thu 2004-04-29, 10:52:57

Reminds me of many years ago when I was at school, had a vicar that used to teach Religious Instruction. He had been a chaplain in the RAF, and was giving a lesson, citing a time when he was a passenger in a twin engined aircraft that had technical problems, and managed to land on one engine, and how after landing, and with both feet safely on the ground, he prostrated himself and gave thanks to God. In my innocence, I stood up and asked why he had not thanked the pilot, and got the immediate response " Two hours Saturday detention, that boy!"

MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,

you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,

you must love her a lot and not try understanding her at all.

Thailand deserves to be investigated for human right abuses. Investigations do not mean guilty... that's the point of an investigation. To learn from mistakes. Anyone who is resistant to learning should not be PM.

Does this mean, for example, that America's President should now be investigated after the recent publication of photographs from Iraq? or for that matter Israel's after it's latest actions. As someone wanting to live in peace in the LOS, do agree with Thaksin's actions!

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 08:00. >The next day at 08:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. > >The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. > >The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. > >After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". > >(wait for it> > > > > > > "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". > > >

Thought Miracle Grow was coloured Blue!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the ###### you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, they stink terribly."

"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing".

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1: Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4: Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5: Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6: We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7: The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8: David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9: When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10: We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11: When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me”.

12: The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13: The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14: Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.

At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don’t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That’s when my Dad said, "God, that’s all we needed!"

Three Italian Nuns In Heaven

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you

six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *homosexual* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *homosexual* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sarah Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by

1,400 men in 6 months."

Remember, once you get over the hill,

you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some, like me, just don't have any film.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle but

there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every color.

Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more

than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and

na rrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away

three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing.

It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others.

Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

I've tried!

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was 'celebrate'!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to

use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing

a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the

ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit! , then who is the fool

who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you! noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my

own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said

"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a

moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?"

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get

elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and &lt;deleted&gt;'s.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special

person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive

days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and

50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a

peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see

naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of

jalapenos. What I do today, will probably burn my ass tomorrow.