A. BOOZER

A man goes to the Doctor with botty problems....(Nationality removed to make PC)

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then

a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor.. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and

another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes

out and no more appear

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the man

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

How would you like these people working for you? : Actual quotes taken

from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has

started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a

definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in

a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve

them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the

better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all

together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other

one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing! but the train isn't

coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for

it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

and finally, "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes!

13 Things that I hate about people!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know

where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch

when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire

room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change

the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".

F***ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it

is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people

do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No

tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing

floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?”. Didn't really give me a

choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,

then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,

then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the longest

###### thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come

yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So

what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No

it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an

image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't

insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a

McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have

a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f***ing McTosser.

Man: 'How Much?'

Prostitute: '25 dollars'

Man: 'American Express?'

Prostitute: 'For 25 Dollars you can go as fast as you want!!!'

Einstein, Picasso and George W Bush all die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says: "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

St Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

St Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, St Peter asks for credentials.

"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" asks Picasso.

"Go ahead," says St Peter.

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

St Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then St Peter looks up and sees George W Bush.

St Peter scratches his head and says: "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W Bush looks bewildered and says: "Who the ###### are Einstein and Picasso?"

St Peter sighs and says: "Come on in, George."

> > The Pope is visiting Washington, D.C. and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac sailing on the Presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence. The next morning the headlines in New York Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, Milwaukee Sentinel-Journal, Minneapolis Tribune, Denver Post, Albuquerque Journal, Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle proclaim in bold headlines:

scroll down

"BUSH CAN'T SWIM"

Sex During Breakfast!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"

Salted or unsalted?

A drunk was leaning against a lamppost staring up at a signboard and yelling, "It can't be done, it's too big! Another drunk staggered by and slurred, "What can't be done?" The other drunk answered.

"What does that sign say, 'DRINK CANADA DRY'. "It's just too ###### big, it can’t be done!"

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

Drunks

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

The Old Man and the Sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Tony Blair and George W Bush had been sent to ######. The Devil had prepared two cells for them. Tony Blair walked into this dingy cold room that had rats running all over it. The Devil said, "Tony Blair, this is your eternal punishment!" George W Bush was not looking forward to his cell, so imagine his surprise when he entered a beautiful pink room with Pamela Anderson inside. The Devil announced, "Pamela Anderson, this is your eternal punishment!"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Wolf's response shows the logical train of thought, however this is Thailand! Suppose the best that can be hoped for now, is that the thieves manage to blow themselves up, without hurting any innocent people.

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart alec kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

At the risk of being boring, does the forum operate on GMT only or has no one noticed that the UK is now on BST?

Too much sex is not good for one,

but rather nice for two!

One guy to another, “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”

“Did you see a lawyer?”

“No, I got married.”

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the

morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man

gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in

the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?"

asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push,"

he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did

not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't

you remember about three months ago when we broke

down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you

should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he's told, gets dressed, and goes out

into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello,

are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where

are you?" asks the husband.

!

!

!

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a

flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before

him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a

drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen

whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister,

then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had

a choice."

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a letter

from his girlfriend. In the letter she

explained that she had slept with two

guys while he had been gone and she

wanted to break up with him...AND, she

wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any Squared-away

Marine would do. He went around to his

buddies and collected all the unwanted

photos of women he could find. He then

mailed about 25 pictures of women (with

clothes and without) to his girl friend

with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are.

Please remove your picture and send the

rest back."