A. BOOZER

What happens to his Visa if he has to stay here - does he get an unlimited stay until it is sorted out or will immigration police jump him and hold him just to make it more difficult?

Now that would be a bugger

I am glad that someone else thinks along the same lines as me! The thing being that by the time this has gone through the system, he might well be getting an automatic retirement visa.

this man is horrible !!! ... surely he's not a christian!!

Am I missing something here, Carol Cohen a tourist from Israel, some how I don't think that this poor woman would have been going to church on Sunday with her husband Eli.

If this chap has genuinely committed this gruesome crime, hope that his time will come, and very soon! Anybody know, do the Israeli authorities still have the death penalty (as opposed to legalised assassination)?

By my reckoning, should be able to have a nice new bick built resort, have a relatively new Merc and that trip to the States to see the family!

If Dogs Wrote Letters to God

Dear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom, if ever, smell one

another?

Dear God,

When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old

story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,

the colt, the stingray and the rabbit but not ONE is named for a dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!

Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler

Beagle'?

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is

he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,

whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy

fields,

and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I'd like you to help

me remember so I can be a good dog:

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I

like the way they smell!

The sofa is not a face towel; neither is Mom And Dad's laps.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's

driver's license and registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the

toilet.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the

coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across

the carpet.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch

when company is over.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes

those noises I will remember it's not a good thing.

Chemical Analysis Of Women

Element: woman

Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 -

160 lbs.

Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1) surface usually covered in painted film

2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason

3) melts if given proper treatment

4) bitter if used incorrectly

5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common

'ore

Chemical Properties:

1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and

precious stones

2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances

3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male

4) insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by

saturation in alcohol

5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

Uses:

1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

2) most powerful money-reducing agent known

3) can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests:

1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state

2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution:

1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands

2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas (Saudi Arabia

etc.)

While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and

came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the ###### are you going?!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned

right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for

you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now

shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything

up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right

there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect

progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I

want you to go exactlywhere I tell you, when I tell you, and

how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell

terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller

in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running

high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his

microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

A young blonde woman in Newport, Ky was so

depressed that she decided to end her life by

throwing herself into the Ohio River. She went down

to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid

water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering

on the edge of the Dock, crying. He took pity on her

and said, "Look, you have so much to live for." I'm

off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can

stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you

and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he

slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll

keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to

lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her

life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid

her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he

brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,

and they made passionate love until dawn. Three

weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was

discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she

explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and

he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the

Argosy Casino, and we never leave Lawrenceburg,

Indiana."

Pigs will start flying on Feb 3rd also.

I do hope not, Avian Flu is bad enough!

Does anybody want to buy KFC shares and franchises?

As a matter of interest, do Thai politicians have to declare business interests and shareholdings in corporates such as CP and Saha Farm? Am sure that would make interesting reading!

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Takes me back to my school days. Teachers used to call me a fatherless so and so, then took a hearing test and found that I was only illiterate!

CUSTOMER SERVICE

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard

of in a long time. I think this guy should have

been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from

the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed

from a recording monitoring the customer care

department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was

fired however, he is currently suing the

WordPerfect organization for "Termination without

Cause."

"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden

the words went away"

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I

type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get

out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the

screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept

anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks

like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you

when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and

find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see

that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me

if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice

that there were two cables plugged into the back

of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there

again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged

securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something

and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right

angle it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only

light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay,

we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes

and manuals and packing stuff your computer came

in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and

pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then

take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell

them?"

"Tell them you're too @#$%^& stupid to own a

computer"

Political language is the same worldwide, but do the speakers ever actually believe what they are saying, or are they all linked to a Worldwide Minister Of Misinformation?

My favorite expressions are highlighted in colors!

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"I could just slap the taste right outta your mouth!"

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

"A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

"When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

"If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

"I'm just about as welcome at my in~laws as a hair in a biscuit."

"Don't that just aggravate the horns off your billy goat?"

Avian Flu H5N1. The threat of this is now seemingly growing so rapidly throughout S.E. Asia, that even if the Thai P.M. had actually realized that it was not Chicken Cholera, the spread of this was apparently inevitable. However, I am intrigued that Indonesia is suffering from this, surely this is not an airborn virus, can any forum member give any educated thoughts on this?

Whatever the outcome, there are going to be very many Thais who will suffer exceedingly badly financially, from the largest chicken producer to the villager with a few fowel, the people who transport live birds, the people working in food processing plants right down to the street vendors. This is going to be felt right across the nation for a long time.

The Rules by Men

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are "OUR" rules! And they're all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining

about you leaving it down.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say

it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact! all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us

to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it

yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss

such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster

trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping

Shame he has been so busy that he has been unable to appoint a lawyer.

Is there any truth in the rumour that G.W. and Tony Blair were buying all Thai chickens to export to Iraq, so that WMD might be found there?

When I was a youngster, used to watch westerns, where the "Injuns" were alway quoted as saying "White man speak with forked tongue", which I now understand to refer to most politicians.

PHARMACY

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales

girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is

looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the

correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he ! deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball

of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for

your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the

store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So..... I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

The Mars Rover lost communications with NASA for awhile recently;

The big question is why did the otherwise perfect rover suddenly go AWOL and then respond to orders only with garbled messages? Here are ten working hypotheses:

1. Spirit is a teenager.

2. It went looking for “Opportunity.”

3. It’s a candidate in the Democratic primaries.

4. It hates communicating long distance with those automated message menus.

5. It ran off for a quickie wedding and annulment.

6. It’s a free Spirit.

7. It heard about the water at the South Pole and went for some Jim Beam and ice.

8. It was holding out on contract negotiations.

9. It went software in the head.

10. It was roving. Duh!

Just seems to me that all politicians talk the same language, whatever their nationality!

Could understand your lack of typing ability if you have had a good session on Chang or Singha, what is your excuse?

In response to PNUSTEDT's mailing, was it the eggs or had Edwina just fallen out of John Major's bed - sorry - nest!