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A. BOOZER

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Posts posted by A. BOOZER

  1. :o

    What happens to his Visa if he has to stay here - does he get an unlimited stay until it is sorted out or will immigration police jump him and hold him just to make it more difficult?

    Now that would be a bugger

    I am glad that someone else thinks along the same lines as me! The thing being that by the time this has gone through the system, he might well be getting an automatic retirement visa.

  2. :o

    this man is horrible !!! ... surely he's not a christian!!

    Am I missing something here, Carol Cohen a tourist from Israel, some how I don't think that this poor woman would have been going to church on Sunday with her husband Eli.

    If this chap has genuinely committed this gruesome crime, hope that his time will come, and very soon! Anybody know, do the Israeli authorities still have the death penalty (as opposed to legalised assassination)?

  3. :o If Dogs Wrote Letters to God

    Dear God,

    Why do humans smell the flowers but seldom, if ever, smell one

    another?

    Dear God,

    When we get to heaven can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old

    story?

    Dear God,

    Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,

    the colt, the stingray and the rabbit but not ONE is named for a dog?

    How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!

    Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler

    Beagle'?

    Dear God,

    If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is

    he still a bad dog?

    Dear God,

    We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,

    whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy

    fields,

    and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

    Dear God,

    More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

    Dear God,

    When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

    Dear God,

    Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

    Dear God,

    Let me give you a list of just some of the things I'd like you to help

    me remember so I can be a good dog:

    I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it.

    I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I

    like the way they smell!

    The sofa is not a face towel; neither is Mom And Dad's laps.

    The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

    My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

    I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's

    driver's license and registration.

    I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the

    toilet.

    I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the

    coffee table.

    I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

    I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across

    the carpet.

    I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch

    when company is over.

    The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes

    those noises I will remember it's not a good thing.

  4. :o Chemical Analysis Of Women

    Element: woman

    Symbol: Wo Discoverer: Adam

    Atomic Weight: accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 -

    160 lbs.

    Occurrence: surplus quantities in all urban areas.

    Physical Properties:

    1) surface usually covered in painted film

    2) boils at nothing, freezes without reason

    3) melts if given proper treatment

    4) bitter if used incorrectly

    5) found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common

    'ore

    Chemical Properties:

    1) possess great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and

    precious stones

    2) able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances

    3) may explode spontaneously if left alone with a male

    4) insoluble in liquids but activity greatly increased by

    saturation in alcohol

    5) yields to pressure applied to correct points

    Uses:

    1) highly ornamental, especially in sports cars

    2) most powerful money-reducing agent known

    3) can be a great aid to relaxation

    Tests:

    1) pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in natural state

    2) turns green if placed beside a better specimen

    Caution:

    1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands

    2) illegal to posses more than one except in certain areas (Saudi Arabia

    etc.)

  5. :o While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

    flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and

    came nose to nose with a United 727.

    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

    crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the ###### are you going?!

    I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned

    right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for

    you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now

    shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything

    up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right

    there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect

    progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I

    want you to go exactlywhere I tell you, when I tell you, and

    how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell

    terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

    Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller

    in her current state of mind.

    Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running

    high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his

    microphone,

    asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  6. :o A young blonde woman in Newport, Ky was so

    depressed that she decided to end her life by

    throwing herself into the Ohio River. She went down

    to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid

    water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering

    on the edge of the Dock, crying. He took pity on her

    and said, "Look, you have so much to live for." I'm

    off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can

    stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you

    and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he

    slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll

    keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to

    lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her

    life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid

    her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he

    brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,

    and they made passionate love until dawn. Three

    weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was

    discovered by the captain.

    "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she

    explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and

    he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the

    Argosy Casino, and we never leave Lawrenceburg,

    Indiana."

  7. :o A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving 20 blocks from the house and leaving the cat at the park.

    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He let the beast out of the car and headed home.

    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

    He kept taking the cat further and further, but the feline would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, cross the bridge, then right again, and make another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

    Hours later, the man calls home: "Jen, is the cat there?"

    "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

    Frustrated, the man answers, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

  8. :o CUSTOMER SERVICE

    This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard

    of in a long time. I think this guy should have

    been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from

    the "WordPerfect Helpline" which was transcribed

    from a recording monitoring the customer care

    department.

    Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was

    fired however, he is currently suing the

    WordPerfect organization for "Termination without

    Cause."

    "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden

    the words went away"

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I

    type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get

    out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the

    screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept

    anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks

    like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you

    when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and

    find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see

    that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me

    if it's plugged into the wall."

    "Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice

    that there were two cables plugged into the back

    of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there

    again and find the other cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged

    securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something

    and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right

    angle it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only

    light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power failure."

    "A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay,

    we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes

    and manuals and packing stuff your computer came

    in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and

    pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then

    take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell

    them?"

    "Tell them you're too @#$%^& stupid to own a

    computer"

  9. :o My favorite expressions are highlighted in colors!

    "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

    "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

    "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

    "I could just slap the taste right outta your mouth!"

    "This'll jar your preserves."

    "Cute as a sack full of puppies."

    "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

    "Gooder than grits."

    "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

    "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

    "Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

    "A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

    "When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

    "If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

    "A hectic schedule keeps you "busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor."

    "She's uglier than homemade soap."

    "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

    "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

    "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

    "I'm just about as welcome at my in~laws as a hair in a biscuit."

    "Don't that just aggravate the horns off your billy goat?"

  10. :o Avian Flu H5N1. The threat of this is now seemingly growing so rapidly throughout S.E. Asia, that even if the Thai P.M. had actually realized that it was not Chicken Cholera, the spread of this was apparently inevitable. However, I am intrigued that Indonesia is suffering from this, surely this is not an airborn virus, can any forum member give any educated thoughts on this?

    Whatever the outcome, there are going to be very many Thais who will suffer exceedingly badly financially, from the largest chicken producer to the villager with a few fowel, the people who transport live birds, the people working in food processing plants right down to the street vendors. This is going to be felt right across the nation for a long time.

  11. :o The Rules by Men

    We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

    from the male side. These are "OUR" rules! And they're all numbered "1"

    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

    down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining

    about you leaving it down.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

    commercials.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

    tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it

    that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

    not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say

    it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

    what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

    fact! all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us

    to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

    makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

    done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it

    yourself.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,

    for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

    no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

    nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

    you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

    Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss

    such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster

    trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

    tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping

  12. PHARMACY

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales

    girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is

    looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the

    correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he ! deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball

    of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for

    your wife?

    He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the

    store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of

    tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

    So..... I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.

    :o

  13. The Mars Rover lost communications with NASA for awhile recently;

    The big question is why did the otherwise perfect rover suddenly go AWOL and then respond to orders only with garbled messages? Here are ten working hypotheses:

    1. Spirit is a teenager.

    2. It went looking for “Opportunity.”

    3. It’s a candidate in the Democratic primaries.

    4. It hates communicating long distance with those automated message menus.

    5. It ran off for a quickie wedding and annulment.

    6. It’s a free Spirit.

    7. It heard about the water at the South Pole and went for some Jim Beam and ice.

    8. It was holding out on contract negotiations.

    9. It went software in the head.

    10. It was roving. Duh!

    :o

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