ballpoint

Man goes into a pub and says to the landlord, "Quick, give me a double whisky before the trouble starts!" The landlord serves him up his whisky and the man downs it quickly. "Quick, another double before the trouble starts!" Landlord again obliges and the man drinks it. The man does it a third time. After the customer downs the third double whisky, the landlord asks, "What's this trouble then?" "I haven't got any money to pay for the drinks" replies the man.

Looks like she's trying to smuggle a chihuahua through customs.

I just want to warn members to look out for emails trying to sell tickets to the Eskimo lottery. Do not buy them, you have to be Inuit to win it!

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

Someone I know told me that he wanted to move to Liverpool with his girlfriend and have a baby there. I thought, "It will never work."

Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography. "Shelf E," replied the librarian. "Aye that's the one," said Sean.

The sad thing is, I can't tell if it's a joke or true.

Solved.

I went to the pet shop to buy some breeding birds. The cashier said, "Have you got a store card?" I said, "No, but I did get a budgie excited once."

I've just had 40 winks on the train... I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.