ballpoint

(It was also one of the naughty words on here, but it looks like we can now say shag).

When the "new" forum came back online, I had that problem too - I couldn't do a screen shot, crop it and then directly paste it to my post like I used to be able to. I had to save the crop as a file on my computer and then upload it. However, I just tried the screenshot and paste method, and it now works. I haven't done anything at my end, so I assume the forum software now allows it again. This was done by screenshot, selecting the part I wanted in MS Paint, copying the selection and then pasting directly into the post.

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o...s..t........m...a...r...r...i...e..d" The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!" The reply comes, "Y..e..s, .I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o..r......a..n..d. . he...... t..o..l..d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I...... s..p..e...a..k..... s..l..o..w.l..y...... I .... w..o..u..l..d..... n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r." The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e... r..e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r....... p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d.... t..h..e... d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e...... c..a .n...... d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e..... r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e" Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend. "W..e..l..l, .I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h..a..t... .b. .y.....t..h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d .a..t . t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e . w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g .h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s."

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: 'George and the Dragon.' He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Fall was upon a remote reservation when the Indian tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Just got a new job as a church bell ringer. It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied... "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. ...I just lost it...." "CASE DISMISSED!!"