ballpoint

I dropped a bunch of ice cubes and my wife got mad at me for kicking them under the refrigerator. She wouldn't talk to me for a while, but now it's just water under the fridge.

The second hand is the minute hand, and the third hand is the second hand. Dave Allen - "Teaching Your Kid Time" - '93 - stereo HQ (youtube.com)

I was on my way to catch a flight when I saw a sign saying 'Airport Left' So I turned around and went home.

My father and I were checking out of a hotel in Iraq when I noticed he'd forgotten his suitcase. I said "Don't forget your bag, Dad".

If 666 is all evil. Then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

RISHI SUNAK was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Sunak if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ...'TRAGEDY'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen,... wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor runs ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' 'No', said Rishi - 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skool bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy, 'I'm afraid not', explained Rishi - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss''. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rishi searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane kerryin' you and the Tory Cabinet wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rishi. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a *** accident either!

I was in the pub last night and this woman came up to me and said that she wanted to take me to see a Monkees tribute band in Switzerland. I thought she was joking....Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.