ballpoint

All right. Who forgot to water the turbine?

I rang the Emergency Incontinence Help Line. They asked me where I was ringing from. I said “the waist downwards.”

Two blokes are walking their dogs. One has a labrador the other a jack russel. One suggests going for a pint but is worried they wont get in the pub with the dogs His mate suggests a pub nearby that lets guide dogs in, so they decide to try it by pretending to be blind. The one with the labrador goes in and orders a pint. The barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed unless they are guide dogs. The man says but I’m blind. The barman apologises and gives him a pint. The second one walks in with his jack russell and the barman says, sorry mate, no dogs allowed only guide dogs. He says but I am blind. The barman says, I’m not being funny mate but guide dogs are usually labradors. The second man replies, “Why, what have I got?”

My friend told me he felt sad because he didn’t know the lyrics to ‘YMCA’. I said ‘Young man there’s no need to feel down’…

David Beckham’s son arrived for football training. He asked the coach: “What number shirt am I ?” The coach said: “Wear four out there, Romeo”.

I bumped into William Hill the other day. What are the odds on that happening?

Just how many sex toys can you smuggle in one ring?

I’ve fallen out with my neighbour. He reckons his front door bell is better than mine, but I disagree. We had a right ding-dong about it.

My doctor asked me to strip off. ‘Where shall I put my clothes?’ He pointed, ‘Over there if you like, on top of mine’.

I’ve been going to gamblers anonymous for three years now - my mate Dave only lasted two and a half. So I won that one.