ballpoint

Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were deliberate, and caused by a Suicide Plumber.

Our local supermarket has had a makeover and they’ve created what they call immersive shopping experience. As you walk into the shop, you pass beautifully stacked fruits and vegetables in a light cloud of mist. Go to the oranges and there’s a gentle, sweet smell of freshly squeezed orange juice. Around the potato, there the smell of newly fried chips. Get to the deli counter and your senses are triggered by the sound and aroma of sizzling bacon. The fish counter has gentle sounds of the ocean, with gulls crowing. Go for some eggs and there’s the sound of free range chickens clucking and pecking. The smell in the coffee aisle is amazing; a strong aroma of the finest freshly ground coffee. The checkouts are flat out. There’s queues to park, queues in the aisles and the tills are crammed. They’ve never taken so much cash. On the downside, sales of toilet paper have collapsed.

If you're having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky.

They had to get a translator at the benefits office today. Some cheeky sod came in speaking English.

Corduroy pillows. They're making headlines!

I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said, "I Miss Liverpool." So I smashed the window and stole the radio.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' ..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher. Little Johnny wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Of course," said the little Johnny confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

The straw clutching by Trump supporters has reached ridiculous levels. "All the documents were declassified..." So why, in the request for a special master to be appointed did his own lawyers specifically mention “that it would be appropriate for the special master to possess a 'top secret' clearance."? "All they found were empty folders..." No, as can clearly be seen in the evidence photos, numerous top secret documents were found along with a number of empty folders, which if anything are even more concerning. We know he had these documents because he admitted it on his failing social media app when he said they weren't just scattered about like the photos show, but were in cartons. We know that they were in at least one place open to visitors because one of his lawyers admitted it in a radio interview when she described Trump's office and said that it had frequent visitors. All these points have been brought up already, some numerous times, yet his supporters resort to closing their eyes while sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting MAGA, MAGA, MAGA... and no doubt will continue to spout them, even after this whole sorry saga is ended with his prosecution and punishment. And, to those who realise that he hasn't a leg to stand on, so resort to threats that upsetting the MAGA brigade will lead to riots and worse, I say bring it on. History has shown that it is never worth trying to placate a bully - especially not a treasonous, lying, cowardly, thieving betrayer and purveyor of his own country's secrets. Let them come out blazing so the law enforcers can deal the problem once and for all.

In this case, "like fleas deserting a sinking rat" seems more appropriate.

Exactly. While I believe this will eventually be a good thing for Europe, by forcing it to wean itself from Russian gas - at least until Russia manages to have a civilised human being in charge, it is, none the less amusing to see Putin lovers spouting stuff they know nothing about - like India paying Rubles for Russian gas. The only gas pipelines from Russia go to Europe (the majority and biggest of them), and China (small ones so far, which are already near, or at, full capacity. Even though there is work being done to build a pipeline network from Siberia to China, it is some time off being completed, let alone tested and commissioned). If gas doesn't go via a pipeline it must be shipped, but you can't just pour it into a big empty boat and call it a tanker, it must be liquified at an appropriate facility first, and then poured into specially built storage vessels on specially built ships. Russia does have such facilities in the north Pacific, but, once again, they are already running at full capacity. India is buying crude oil, tanked from Russia, but, until they either build new gas liquification terminals, or a pipeline across the Himalayas, it won't be buying significant (if any) volumes of gas from Russia any time soon. China has ramped up gas supplies from Russia, but, again, there isn't much more volume they can receive using current infrastructure - certainly nowhere near enough to replace the loss of Europe as a buyer. "China spent $18.9 billion on Russian oil, gas and coal in the three months to the end of May, almost double the amount a year earlier, latest customs data show. Meanwhile, India shelled out $5.1 billion in the same period*, more than five times the value of a year ago. That’s an extra $13 billion in revenue from both countries compared to the same months in 2021." Meanwhile, Russia stands to lose roughly €400 billion a year from cutting European pipelines. Sound economics there! *None of it on gas. Putin appears to have cut off his nose to spite his face, by cutting off his cash cow pipeline to spite the West. He obviously only cares about earning enough to continue funding his war and to hell with the rest of the Russian people's needs. Ukraine war: India, China buy Russian oil and gas worth $24 bn in 3 months | Business Standard News (business-standard.com)

The Trump Tower in Manhattan is the home to the "45 Wine and Whisky" bar, where you, and other losers, can soak up Trump's narcisism while soaking up his overpriced beverages, surrounded by memorabilia of his term in office, including copies of the trade and space force deals he signed, a Trump football, and a photo of him holding a newspaper touting his acquital in one of his impeachment trials. Oh, and an empty "classified" folder prominently displayed in a glass cabinet.

I walked into the living room and there was a strange guy in a canal boat by the telly. I said "You can't come barging in here!"

The cost of living crisis has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

My mate was the fittest person I knew. He went to the gym 7 days a week. Entered Ironman contests, he even did back to back marathons once. Then one day he went for a jog in the park and BANG! He met a girl, got married... ...and now he's a fat **** just like the rest of us!

Was at the barbers and noticed a young lad before me having both sides of his head shaved and leaving a neat tuft of hair down the middle, from the front to the back of his head. On my turn, I asked the barber if I could have same haircut. He said no, it was the Last of the Mohicans.