ballpoint

My teacher at school told me not to worry about spelling because he predicted that in the future we would have autocorrect. And now it's here, I'm eternally grapefruit.

Always lock up your transport when not in use.

Yesterday my Doctor asked me if I find myself becoming indecisive. I said "I don't know, I'm just not sure about that, Doc".

"He recused himself two months ago from one of my cases..." Says it all really.

Girl says to boyfriend "I really really like this Pair of Shoes". "How much are they?" asks the boy. "$350", says the girl, "but I left my purse at home". Boy opens his wallet and the girl gets all excited. "Here", he says, handing her $10, "catch a taxi home, get your purse, and I'll wait here".

Why it's hard for an old man to get hired: Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "My honesty." Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness." Old Man: "I don't give a <deleted> what you think."

Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong also placed a 2-foot wide panel studded with 100 mirrors pointing at Earth on July 21, 1969, about an hour before the end of their final moonwalk. Lasers are reflected off it from Earth providing a highly accurate measurement of the distance from Earth to the Moon. There is no way this panel would be there if the first moon landing hadn't taken place. What Neil & Buzz Left on the Moon | Science Mission Directorate (nasa.gov)

We hear all about the long distance shelling and rocket attacks, but spare a thought for those Ukrainians and voluteers in the International Legion, fighting what is essentially trench warfare on the front line. Further details on the New Zealand soldier who was killed recently, doing just that, have emerged . Corporal Dominic Abelen, who was on unpaid leave at the time, was one of an estimated 100 NZ soldiers volunteering in Ukraine, and has been praised as a "fallen warrier" by a former Defense Minister. "Abelen had been fighting for Ukraine's International Legion on the frontline in the east of the war-torn country. In a joint operation attempting to re-take a frontline trench network during a dawn assault, Abelen was killed in a firefight with the enemy and died instantly, sources told NZ Herald. An American fighter with the Legion was injured during the assault and died shortly after." 'Fallen hero:' Ex-Defence Minister pays tribute to soldier killed in Ukraine as more details of his death emerge (msn.com) RIP to those like him, and the so far unnamed American, who have volunteered for a cause they believed worthy of fighting, and making the ultimate sacrifice, for.

That's no woman. You can clearly see his nuts.

An elderly lady arrives at the train station to find there is a ten minute delay. To pass the time she wanders around and comes across a Speaking Weight Machine. She steps on the scale and the machine says " you weigh 47kgs and need to use the ladies bathroom ". She steps off and sure enough the call of nature needs to be obeyed. When she returns she again steps on to the scale and the machine says " you still weigh 47kgs and in twenty seconds you will break wind ". She steps off and proceeds to leave when Phrumphhhh. Curious she steps on to the scale for the third time. The machine says " you still weigh 47kgs and with all this pissin' and fartin' around you missed your train."