ballpoint

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting. "So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire. "Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!" "An elephant? Are you crazy?" "It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him, too. He's very strong and helps her move things when I'm not around. Honestly, I can't think of a better pet." The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. "That's actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?" "Five hundred thousand pounds. What a bargain, huh?" "Can I buy him for one million pounds?" "What?! I can't sell him. He's part of my family now!" "Okay. Two million?" "You can't put a price on something so useful!" "Three million?" "Fine. I'll sell him for three million pounds, but only because you're my friend." A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging. "The elephant may have been useful to you, but he's a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It's the worst purchase I ever made!" "I don't know what to say," says the second multimillionaire. "But with that attitude, you'll never be able to sell him !!”

I was telling my co workers a joke at coffee break. "What do you do if your mate has an epileptic fit in the bath?" “Throw your laundry in.” One of the co workers said “that's not funny, my brother died having a fit in the bath.” "Oh, so sorry. Did he drown?" “No, he choked on a sock.”

It's that hot today, I saw a scouser take his hands out of someone else's pockets.

My old grandad rang me today to say the local Primary School has installed speedbumps. He said for some reason they've dressed them in school uniforms.

I don't take anything serious in the newspaper, except for fish and chips. And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

Sometimes I call the number on missing dog posters and just bark.

Watching the Tory leadership contest is like watching a pantomime horse with a dozen ar5es and no head.

Stop trying to corner the pie market.

You won't go wrong with this stuff. Available from Shopee and Lazada:

*Deleted post edited out* Funny how that poster, and many others of his ilk, have been trying to tell us, repeatedly, that this was just a peaceful visit by some sightseers, intent on taking some selfies, grabbing some souvenirs, and lynching the vice president. Oops, slip of the tongue, definitely not the latter. Now it seems that they were exercising their "constitutional right" to abolish the government and install a new one. I can't wait for the next chapter of this story, when we'll be told that these people were actually presidentially appointed deputies, sent in to clean up the town, save the nation, and ride off into the sunset with the girl, rather than just presidentially riled up idiots, intent on violence. Also funny that we are repeatedly told that one of the tenets of the right to bear arms is to be able to defend oneself against a tyrannical government, yet when the very section of society historically having most justification for pointing to such a government, namely Afro-Americans and other ethnic minorities, protests against said government, without even taking the step of bearing arms, those who spout the guns, guns guns mantra are the very same people who condemn said protests and demand the law use force and violence, with help from some gun wielding vigilantes to suppress them. It would be laughable if it wasn't so funny.

I strike out on a few, but every so often we kindle a spark. Especially when she's a lighter woman.

Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre One says to the other “What you in for”? The other replies “Endoscopy” “What’s that then”? the first bloke asks. “They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers, or even cancers", replies the second bloke. "What you in for?” “Camera up my bum" says the first bloke. “Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke. “Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”.

I entered an Origami competition. I should have won, but folded under pressure.

A Texan emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Lanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch… Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

My wife came out of the bathroom, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my myself in the bath. You know what that means?" I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"