ballpoint

You really know how to socket to 'em, or is it just all torque? (Alright, I'll get my coat and make a bolt for the exit).

Flushed with success.

If I were Putin, I wouldn't even be buying any green bananas, let alone making plans for two years from now.

"Nearly one in three Americans say it may soon be necessary to take up arms against the government". I'd love to see them try. It would solve most of America's current problems, and not in the way the weapons wielding weirdos are planning it to. After all, to paraphrase The Clash: "'Cos it won't get you anywhere Fooling with the gun The US army is waiting out there And it weighs fifteen hundred tons" (White Man) In Hammersmith Palais

So there I was on the beach in the rubber dinghy with my kids, paddling away. Next thing I know, we are being towed into Dover and given a new house and a bunch of money.

Went to the doctor yesterday and told him about my craving for stealing iPads. He said I should take some tablets.

As a child we were so poor that all of my school clothes came from the Army Surplus shop. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

I knocked on my neighbours door. "There's dog mess all over my drive." "Oh yeah, jump to conclusions again," he said, "What makes you think that my dog is responsible?" "Because I'm pretty sure I recognised it was yours just before I reversed over him."

My wife's dad used to live next door to a family of scousers. He said he had to mow his lawn during the night so as not to wake them up.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. Plus, its fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

A toilet cleaner wins the lottery and is being interviewed by the press. “Will it change your life?” he was asked. “Too right it will! Fifty million quid would change anyone’s life, I’m retiring immediately and spend spend spend.” “Does your wife work?” he was asked. “Yes, she cleans the ladies next door” “Will it change her life?” Looking amazed the guy says ”Why, has she won it as well?”

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from that vicinity. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. “What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!” The drunk said “I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!”

A teacher asked her class: "What do you want out of life?" A girl in the back row raised her hand and said: "All I want out of life is four little animals!" The teacher asked: "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The girl said: "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a donkey to pay for all of it."

AT least one Prime Minister actually kept to his word. John Major pledged to make Britain a 'classless society'. A quick look in any Wetherspoons will show that he did a pretty thorough job.

Jesus loves you. Not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison.

Boy, those Ukrainian drones are getting everywhere.