ballpoint

Q: what does a cow have 4 of that a woman only has 2 of? A: Legs Bet you were going to say something else.

I'm getting fed up with people whinging about the price of things. "$3 for a cup of tea, $5 for coffee, $2.50 for a slice of cake, $3 for car parking..." Any more complaints and I'll stop inviting friends round to my house."

Dad: "Say Dada!" Kid: "Mama" Dad: "No, Dada!" Kid: "Mama" Dad: "No, say DA-DA!" Kid: "Mama" Dad (turning away, under his breath): "@#$%!" Kid: "@#$%!" Dad: "WHAT did you say?" Kid: "@#$%!" Mum returns home: Mum: "How's my little sweetie?" Kid: "@#$%!" Mum: "Oh dear, who taught you THAT word?" Kid: "DADA!"

Now what?

After 30 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. “Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit along the aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses. At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the plane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting." "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss." "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" She went on and on, still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more.

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s house and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. The young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant". The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

"To be is to do." --Socrates "To do is to be." --Spinoza "Do be do be do." --Sinatra

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on a plane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.” The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”