ballpoint

Today I made some burgers from scratch. My wife refuses to eat any of them, she loved that cat.

My wife suggested I drop my trousers at the dry cleaners, so I did. It got a round of applause, but I'm banned from going back.

I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam. Apparently, the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act.

After months of experimenting at work we have finally invented concrete birdseed. Its not only good, it’s impeccable.

Many, many years ago my great grandmother was in service. It was her job to get the family up for breakfast, so she used to shout jokes at them. She was a teasemaid.

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She looked confused, and quickly said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave must've wondered what the heck was going on.

I woke up this morning to find someone had painted the word LEWL on my front door. I rang the police who agreed it’s well out of order.

When Gene Pitney died, his undertakers said that it would take two weeks to make him a coffin from oak, or twenty four hours from balsa.

Scum. I don't know how these people sleep at night.

Not much point. That would be like making a gun out of arsenic.

Why doesn't he cross the road?

My mate and I were out having dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my mate said. "Why?" I asked. He said, "Because she has no taste."

It's weird, but every time I've taken a flight, no matter what airline, all the pilots are from the same family. It's always Captain Speaking.

Dear Diary, Today my friends asked me to go camping so I made a list of the things I will need: 1. New friends

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the bullbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth... I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. Your loving daughter, Sheila

Three students doing a psychiatry lesson, the first student was asked "What’s the opposite of joy?" She said "sorrow". The 2nd student was asked "What’s the opposite of depression?" He said "happiness". Then Paddy was asked "What’s the opposite of woe?" He replied "Giddy up!"

Breaking news The Pope is leaving Vatican City..... ......and joining Vatican United.

I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships . I took gold , silver and bronze.

My wife was allowed one last visit before I started my sentence. "I've baked you a cake," she winked and lowered her voice, "I've hidden something inside it that might help you in prison." "What is it?" I whispered, "A file?" "No silly. A jar of Vaseline.".