ballpoint

A preacher is working on his sermon for Sunday morning. His wife asks what he will preach about. He said "waterskiing, and being a Christian." Wife said "You don't have any business preaching about that. You've only tried it twice and couldn't get up." But he promised he could do it. Sunday morning the wife was sick, so didn't attend church. The preacher, on the pulpit looking at the congregation, realized his wife was right, he shouldn't preach that sermon. So he ad libbed a sermon he had done before about sex and being a Christian. He got through the sermon with no problem. Monday morning at the doctor's office the wife sees a church lady who said "You missed the finest sermon your husband ever preached!" Wife shook her head and said "I don't understand. He's only tried twice. He couldn't get up, and fell off both times." The church lady fainted.

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. “Fred,” the man replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.

A retired older couple return to a Jaguar dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and tight sweater. "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £35,000 asking price", said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £29,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could was no way you could discount this model." "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman. Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that <deleted> to lower the price. See you later, Dad."

I'm suing my local fish shop for selling undersized shellfish. I'm taking him to the small clams court!

Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: "You know what Shamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder".

The Russians were massed below a hill, from which they saw a sole Ukrainian soldier pop his head up from time to time, giving them the middle finger then disappearing. They sent 10 men to take the hill, none returned. The Ukrainian appeared the next day doing a little dance and sticking his middle finger, which infuriated the Russians, so they sent 20 men. They didn’t come back. Next day, the Ukrainian soldier did his little dance and stuck up both middle fingers. Utterly infuriated, the Russian General ordered 1000 men to assault the hill. A huge battle ensued, smoke and munitions all over the place. Out of the smoke crawled a lone Russian soldier, barely alive. He got to the General and said “it’s a trap…. .it’s not a single Ukrainian soldier… ….there’s two of them!"

A man who installed kitchen worktops for a living was jailed. Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

The missus was in an accident. The doctor said, "Your wife is on life support. She's very critical". I replied, "Oh, so she's still talking then."

I went round the neighbours last night. Had a lovely meal, 3 bottles of red wine and a big cigar. They’ll go mad when they get back from their holiday.

Did you know that Ikea now sells suppositories? Trouble is, you have to put them up yourself.

I read that taking your bike to work is good for the environment. So I thought why not? I'm not using that roof rack for anything else.

Three years ago I sponsored a Panda through WWF. What a rip off. I haven't seen it wrestle once!

Broken Pub Quiz Machine For Sale, Going Cheap - No Questions Asked.

This is what the world has come to?

My mate’s wife has just left him because of his impotence. Still, no hard feelings eh!?

I've just received my bank statement and I noticed that I've had payments go out for a water pistol, a pair of size 20 shoes, a trumpet and a red nose. I phoned the bank and apparently my card's been clowned.

Be careful of fake salesmen currently doing the rounds. Just yesterday, one came to my door offering bargain priced enemas. He took my bank details and then cleaned me out.

My wife says I'm annoying by always wanting to have the 2nd to last word.

I told my mate the doctor that I'm having problems in the bedroom - He prescribed me Viagra. How the hell's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA wardrobe?