ravip

1A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says: Hot dog – $2 Cheeseburger – $5 Hand job – $10 He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?" The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!" "How did it happen?" Asks the judge. "Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a rabbit. I swerved into the woods and hit a tree. I managed to escape but all the other people just didn't make it in time and the bus exploded. Everyone but me perished." "Why did you not just run over the rabbit?" Asks the judge. "I tried!" Says the bus driver, "But it ran into the woods!"

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.” “OK”, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!” A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in… Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?” Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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My teacher said, “If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier.” I said, “I don’t know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder.”

A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht. He raises his glass and says to his new wife 'Here's to happiness together' and she replies 'And to our new Yakt'. 'The C is silent' the man tells his wife. His wife replies 'Yes, it is lovely this time of year'

I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”. As if people don't know what a yacht is for.

Did you hear about the cargo ship that sunk while shipping food? Apparently there was a leek in the boat.

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here." the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "i told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."

2 old-west cavalrymen were standing on a bluff. It was late at night, and there was a lot of noise from the nearby Indian camp. One said “Sergeant, I don’t like the sound of those drums.” The sergeant replied “Neither do I, Captain.” A voice out of the darkness said “It’s not his fault; our regular drummer is sick!”

A butcher is serving his customers... ... when a stray dog comes in and starts barking. The butcher is about to shoo him away when one customer says, "give him few lamb chops". The butcher agrees and puts some in front of the dog. The dog eats everything in front of him but is still hungry. He looks at the butcher and starts barking again. The customer now says, "give him 5 pounds of the steak over there". The butcher puts a new bowl in front of the dog who, once again, eats everything in few minutes and starts barking again. The customer now says, "I think he wants some ham". The butcher agrees and puts a large piece of ham in front of the dog. This time, the dog is content. He finishes eating and leaves with a smile. The customer is about to leave as well when the butcher yells, "Hey, you haven't paid for the dog". The customer says, "I never said I would pay for him, I was only translating

Normally they throw the heaving line; to send a mooring rope from ship to shore. (there maybe 'other' uses too ???? )

Women's Anger can change the history of Mankind. US Astronaut Neil Armstrong was the 1st man to walk on the Moon, on 20th July, 1969, 52 years ago. As Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, when Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, his 1st words were: "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind!" That was televised all over the world, and millions heard it. But just as he re-entered the Lunar Lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!" Many people at NASA wondered who that casual remark was directed at. Upon checking, it was found that there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or the US Space Programs. Over the years, Neil Armstrong was repeatedly asked the background to that remark about Mr Gorsky. In response, Armstrong only smiled but never gave any explanation. Finally, on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, a reporter once again asked Neil Armstrong, the 26-year-old question, about Mr Gorsky. By this time, Mr. Gorsky had passed away, so Neil Armstrong felt able to answer the question. In 1938, when Neil Armstrong, as a kid in a small mid-western town, was playing Baseball with a friend in his parents' backyard, they hit the Ball into their neighbours' backyard, below their bedroom window. Neil Armstrong went to fetch the ball & heard the neighbour's wife Mrs. Gorsky, yelling at Mr Gorsky: "Sex! You Want Sex?!? You'll get Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!!!" Women!!!???? In their anger, can change the history of mankind.

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for. Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.” There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation. “Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.” The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

A woman passed her daughter's room and heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked "why?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So please, leave me alone." Next day, the father heard the same buzz and upon entering, he also saw the same scene. To his query, the daughter again said, "Dad I"m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from the living room. On entering, she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "what the f.. are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends." He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please." One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" He said, "My wife found out."

Polar Bear Orders Beer A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks what he’ll have. The bear says “guess I’ll have a ............... ................ ............... beer.” The bartender asks “Why the big pause?” The polar bear replies. “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

Or water got in to the air intake/air filter?

If it's only the gasket, why not get it down from Europe and end this issue? ...or have I missed something?